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When is it OK to go “no contact” with a family member? And what even is “no contact,” really?
Oprah Winfrey explored these questions on “The Oprah Podcast,” in an episode released Tuesday, Nov. 25, ahead of Thanksgiving. In the episode, audience members opened up about cutting off all contact with close relatives − even their parents.
“I know this is a tender, hot-button topic,” Winfrey said in the episode. “My hope is that we can open up the heart space and really listen. I’m not on anybody’s side. I just want to hear what everyone has to say.”
As with many relationship dynamics, going “no contact” is often complicated. For some, it’s a crucial way to preserve one’s mental health and distance from abusive people. Relationship experts previously told USA TODAY, however, that it is possible for “no contact” to go wrong, particularly when it’s used as a form of manipulation, rather than as a form of self-protection.
What is ‘no contact’?
“No contact” is pretty much exactly what it sounds like: You cut off all communication with someone. This means no meet-ups, no phone calls, no texting and no interaction on social media. If you happen to run into each other, you either avoid them or keep the interactions short and emotionally neutral.
Going no contact is often recommended for dealing with narcissists, who, as experts have previously told USA TODAY, are highly unlikely to change. Those caught in their midst, therefore, are often faced with a tough choice: Either continue putting up with the narcissist’s mistreatment or cut them off entirely.
Throughout the episode of “The Oprah Podcast,” people gave Winfrey various reasons for cutting out family members.
One man shared how his parents ostracized and mistreated his wife, leading him to go no contact with them. A woman explained how she knew from a young age that, eventually, she would have to cut all ties with her abusive family.
“When I first made the decision to go no contact, I felt so alone,” the woman told Winfrey. “So this conversation means the world to me.”
When ‘no contact’ goes wrong
Mental health experts previously told USA TODAY that “no contact” often goes wrong when it isn’t done with the proper intention. If you go no contact, do so with full acknowledgement and acceptance of not having any contact with that person ever again. Going no contact in the hopes of getting someone to miss you is not the way to do it.
The latter often happens when people go through a breakup. While going no contact is a great way to heal from heartbreak, grieve a relationship and move on, it can easily become toxic if it’s done as a way to punish an ex or guilt them into getting back with you.
“Going no contact is one of the most effective ways to move on from an ex,” Amy Chan, a dating coach and author of “Unsingle: How to Date Smarter and Create Love That Lasts,” previously told USA TODAY. “However, if no contact is coupled with plotting ways to win them back, vilifying or idolizing them in every conversation and obsessing over their social media, it won’t help in moving forward. It’s not just about cutting off contact; it’s about processing the new reality that the relationship is over and committing to moving forward, even if you miss them.”
Chan strongly recommends going no contact after a breakup, for neurological reasons. Doing so, she says, gives your brain space to rewire itself and phase out the chemicals and hormones that bonded you to your ex.
“During a relationship, neural pathways become connected together,” she previously told USA TODAY. “After a breakup, even if the heartbroken person is cognitively aware that it’s over, the brain and body remain in a state of shock, still craving the dopamine and feel-good chemicals associated with the ex. Communicating with the ex only strengthens old neural pathways instead of allowing them to prune away. Even rereading old text messages, stalking their social media will reinforce those old neural pathways.”
If you want to go no contact to get your ex back, however, Stephanie Sarkis, a psychotherapist and the author of “Healing from Toxic Relationships: 10 Essential Steps to Recover from Gaslighting, Narcissism and Emotional Abuse,” encourages you to investigate that feeling. It might point to something deeper going on within yourself that has yet to be resolved.
“The question is why would I want them back?” Sarkis previously told USA TODAY. “What’s my motivation for wanting them to want me back?”
Want to go ‘no contact’? Here are some tips:
For those intending to go no contact, Chan previously shared with USA TODAY the following advice:
Cease all communication. “Delete them from social media, remove their number from your phone and block them if necessary. You need to set yourself up for success, and if that means eliminating temptation, then do it.”Take no contact in chunks. If going no contact permanently feels too daunting, try doing it for one month first. After that month, see if you can add another. Thinking of no contact in chunks can make it more palatableSet clear boundaries. “If the ex keeps reaching out, you can send a message to let them know that you are focusing on your healing and self-care and that you’d like them to respect your wishes for no contact,” Chan said. “This doesn’t mean the ex will listen to that boundary and if they continue to message, block them.”Find connection in other ways. “Strategize ways to get your ‘dopamine hit’ and needs for connection met when you’re feeling lonely and most vulnerable,” Chan said. “This can include friends that you go to, exercise, volunteering, etc.”