A psychologist’s guide to navigating a New Zealand family Christmas

We asked Dr Kate MacKrill, health psychologist and University of Auckland lecturer in health psychology, how to handle some of these common dilemmas around the holidays. Here are her tips for navigating your family Christmas.

I’m juggling work and travel and can’t spend a lot of time with my family this Christmas. How can I manage their expectations?

The key here is prioritising the quality over quantity of time with family. Clear communication is important for setting expectations, including your own. These conversations need to be had before Christmas Day, so you’re not walking through the door with your laptop already saying, “I can’t stay long”.

Explain you’ll be arriving or leaving on particular dates/times, or that you will need to block out some hours for work while you’re there.

Think about how you can spend your time in the most meaningful way, such as prioritising a particularly important family tradition. Maybe you can’t see family at all and instead want to pencil in a proper catch-up at a less-hectic time.

It’s the first Christmas since a major life change in our family. How can we navigate this?

There will be a lot of these “firsts” after a major loss, a personal or life-changing event. I remember the first Christmas after the deaths of two family members in the year. We kept expecting them to walk through the door at family lunch saying, “Sorry I’m late”. Also, because this is considered the “fun and festive” time of the year, people think they can’t mention a person who has died, and that doesn’t help.

This time of year can bring a lot of painful reminders, but also reflection. It’s helpful to acknowledge this Christmas won’t feel “normal” and that’s okay. Don’t force it to be normal and you could even lean into the non-normalcy.

If someone has died, how would you like to include them in the day? Maybe lighting a candle or displaying their photo. Or you might want to change the Christmas tradition completely. Maybe the idea of the usual sit-down dinner with an empty chair is too painful, so switch to a casual event instead.

If there’s been a falling out in the family, try to focus on the people who are there and why you’re there. Or if there’s a risk of something kicking off, there need to be some non-negotiable ground rules for the Christmas ceasefire.

Dr Kate MacKrill is a health psychologist and University of Auckland lecturer in health psychology. Photo / Supplied

Some of my extended family members have different political views from me and are vocal about it. How can we spend time together without arguing?

No one is going to come out the winner in a political argument on Christmas Day. You can’t control what people say, but you can control how you respond. Maybe your sign of victory is keeping a sense of calm and control or de-escalating any tension.

If you have vocal family members, have some neutralising responses ready that show you’ve heard them, even if you don’t agree, like “Hmm, that’s a thought”, and then pivot to a non-controversial yet engaging topic: “What do you think about …” or “Where’s your favourite beach or holiday spot”?

I’m worried about the mental health of a friend or family member I’m seeing this Christmas. How can I support them?

Christmas can be overwhelming and isolating, and the stress can really exacerbate mental health struggles. If you’re concerned about a friend or family member, the best thing they can know is you’re an open and non-judgmental support.

Gently reach out and acknowledge the situation. Not with a vague “How are you?” that lets people reply with “Good”. Instead, something that lets them feel understood: “I know things have been tough and Christmas can be stressful, so I was wondering how you were feeling?”

When it’s someone we really care about, we have a tendency to put our “fix-it” hat on. Instead, the most helpful thing can be to listen.

How can I stop myself from reverting to my teenage self or embracing old family dynamics when I arrive home for the holidays?

The first and most helpful step is often simply being aware of old patterns and recognising when they’re playing out. What role do you always fall into? The peacemaker? The angsty teen?

By knowing your triggers and noticing when you’re falling into these roles, you have more ability to consciously decide not to play into them. For this, and lots of confronting Christmas situations, try the STOPP strategy:

Stop – pause what you’re doingTake a breathObserve – pay attention to your thoughts and feelingsPull back – consider the situation from a broader viewpointProceed – decide on the most appropriate responseYour in-laws may have different traditions when it comes to gifting at Christmastime.

I’m bringing my new partner along to their first Christmas with my family. How can I help them navigate it?

All families have quirks and these are apparent to a new partner at their first family Christmas!

Explain the general vibe of the Christmas event – is your family talkative or reserved, is there an unspoken dress code, what’s the gifting situation, are there any specific traditions.

You don’t need to create a full dossier on every family member, but a brief background can be helpful. Are there any similar interests between your family members and partner that could be a good icebreaker and conversation starter on the day?

Also, act as the conduit between family and a new guest to avoid initial awkwardness and make it enjoyable for everyone.

My in-laws’ Christmas is different from my family’s. How do I deal with that?

Variety is the spice of life! Your in-laws’ Christmas traditions aren’t “wrong”, they’re just different. That’s a helpful mindset to take in and be open to the experiences, respectful and ideally, appreciative.

I’m experiencing financial stress in the lead-up to Christmas. How can I manage people’s expectations on gifts and contributions to costs?

Christmas is an expensive time of year and, coupled this year with a financially tough time, that makes for a lot of stress.

I’m not saying get rid of presents, Christmas dinner or your usual celebrations, but it’s important to discuss with your family about how you can keep the Christmas magic without perhaps having to buy a gift for 20 family members; or it falling to one person to buy and prepare the feast.

For example, lots of families have switched to a Secret Santa and potluck meal. Once again, communication is key, so agree in advance what you’ll do this year, so there are no surprises or embarrassment on the day.

I struggle with my relationship with food and/or alcohol at Christmastime – how can I prepare for the season?

If you struggle with your relationship with alcohol or food, then Christmas is the perfect storm. It’s not called the silly season for no reason when there’s a general theme of indulgence.

An important thing is to show yourself some kindness. The goal isn’t to be perfect – that would probably be setting yourself up for failure and disappointment. Instead, aim to get through with your self-esteem intact.

Focus on what you want out of the festive season – to connect with family or friends, to wind down with colleagues after the year – and hold this at the centre of what you do. And if you feel stressed, use the STOPP strategy above.

More practically, be prepared to be a broken record when you’re asked if you want more food or another drink – people stop asking if they’re constantly met with “no thanks, I’m good”.

Statistics show New Zealanders have really embraced the move to lower and non-alcoholic beverages, so mix these into your celebrations and summer events. Having a few activities or games also takes the focus off eating and drinking, and you’re sure to feel better the next day.

Have a plan for what you are going to drink or eat, but also savour it. When we slow down and pay more attention to what we’re putting into our body, we enjoy it more, it tastes better, and we get satisfied faster, compared with mindlessly eating and drinking.

Christmas can be tricky to navigate if you’re not drinking alcohol.

How can I look after my mental health and avoid overwhelm during the holidays?

We often put a lot of pressure on ourselves at Christmas. We’re not usually the “perfect” version of ourselves at the best of times, but for some reason we expect this of ourselves at Christmas – that we’ll be a super-host, amazing chef, social butterfly, Santa’s elf, all while wrapping up the work and school year when everything suddenly becomes urgent, plus squeezing in a summer holiday.

And then we come out the other side and wonder why we feel stressed, exhausted, and like the festive season was a blur.

You don’t need to turn into a Zen Buddhist monk doing an hour-long meditation three times a day. Instead, practise what’s called informal mindfulness – rather than constantly being on autopilot, bring your attention back to the present moment without judgment. This can be as small as making a cup of tea and instead of letting your mind wander to your to-do list, using all your senses to notice the smell, colour, temperature and, eventually, taste of your tea.

I guarantee you’ll feel calmer and it will be the best cup of tea you’ve had.

Gratitude is another helpful practice. Our brain has a tendency to focus on the negatives in life (evolutionarily, it helps keep us safe) and sometimes we have to consciously remind ourselves of the positives.

At the end of a stressful day, note down three things you’re grateful for – friends or family, your partner, the sunshine, your pet, the funny joke you heard, the good coffee you had … anything big or small. It’s a perfect little reset to do in the holidays.

Bethany Reitsma is a lifestyle writer who has been with the NZ Herald since 2019. She specialises in all things health and wellbeing and is passionate about telling Kiwis’ real-life stories.