Dear Eric: “Bella” and I met more than 35 years ago as volunteers. We maintained a friendship despite totally different life paths: she had a string of relationships that never went very far; I married, became a stepmom, then had a baby.
She wasn’t able to maintain a career due to increasing mental health issues that also affected her physical health. She became a recluse for two years.
I have deep appreciation for the complexities that mental illness brings. I know that love and compassion are what Bella needs and that they are the basis upon which this friendship has existed.
I set aside my needs because I know that she hasn’t the capacity for anything beyond her own complex needs. I learned this the hard way years ago when she stood me up for a lunch date at a restaurant after I had just suffered the agonizing loss of a late-term pregnancy. She admitted she decided to attend a social affair instead; it never occurred to her I needed a friend and support.
Do I love her? Of course. But … I’m tired. I’ve been doing this my entire life and my tank is empty; I have nothing left to offer this friendship. I feel awful saying this.
Over the last few years, I’ve avoided getting together because it’s emotionally and mentally exhausting, but she keeps asking for us to visit. How do I navigate boundaries with truth for me and compassion for her?
– Want to Be a Friend
Dear Friend: Ask yourself what you need from this friendship, without the asterisk of what Bella can provide. I wonder if, in the past, you pushed down your own needs too many times, in deference to Bella’s needs. That’s going to wear thin quickly because the friendship becomes unbalanced and remains so.
It’s not too late to move this from a service relationship to one that serves both of you. Maybe you need a phone conversation rather than a visit. Maybe you need to talk through some of the things she did in the past and hear her acknowledge that they were hurtful.
You can be compassionate and still advocate for yourself. Part of this advocacy comes with knowing that she may not be able to give you all that you need. But it starts with letting yourself want it and then asking for it.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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