Greg Dixon’s Another Kind of Politics: Luxon’s secret plan for handling “Mad Dog” Trump leaked

Photo / Getty Images. Illustration / Greg Dixon.

National Party sources have revealed Prime Minister Christopher Luxon’s confidential fool-proof strategy for dealing with erratic US President Donald Trump — hiding.

With three more years of Trump’s presidency to go, it is increasingly likely New Zealand will face more and more bizarre and frightening demands from the volatile leader,
such as 100% tariffs if we fail to dig up and hand over rare minerals, gifting the South Island to the US or building a giant golden statue of Trump in Parliament’s forecourt.

To combat these threats, Luxon has developed a duck and cover strategy titled Operation Ostrich.

“The plan involves multiple hiding and evasion techniques to avoid Mad Dog Trump noticing Chris Luxon,” a source told Another Kind of Politics. “We’re calling the first approach the Munich Manoeuvre which is where the Prime Minister puts his fingers in his ears and pretends Trump’s attacks on global stability and New Zealand exports and interests aren’t really happening.

“Secondly, if the Orange Wrecking Ball calls Chris’s office, his secretary is to say ‘Prime Minister Luncheon? Never heard of him. This is the Golden Triangle Takeaway.’

“Thirdly, the Prime Minister has worked with the SAS to develop camouflage and evasion techniques to use when he attends international summits and conferences.”

The array of cunning camouflage and concealment tactics includes hiding in the toilets, pretending to be an usher, disguising himself as a pot plant or wearing dark glasses and a wig so President Trump would mistake him for French President Emmanuel Macron and simply ignore him.

“We also discussed disguising the Prime Minister as Ronald McDonald,” the insider said. “However, the strategy was deemed too high risk because Trump might attempt ordering from him.”

Loyal Labour MP Peeni Henare bows out gracefully from politics

Photo / Getty Images. Illustration / Greg Dixon

Te Pāti Māori a legal “kete case” say law experts

Te Pāti Māori’s High Court stoush over an expelled MP could become the country’s longest running case, due to the existence of two versions of the party’s constitution, one in weasel words, the other in gibberish.

The gibberish version is believed to make no sense at all, while the weasel words version appears to leave it up to individual members to do whatever they like.

One legal expert said trying to understand Te Pāti Māori’s governance was like nailing down fog, and that a circus or clown town would be better venues for sorting out the mess than the High Court.

“It is a total kete case,” the expert said. “This will likely dwarf the Whanganui River claim as the longest running legal case in Aotearoa New Zealand because there appears to be no direct translation from the weasel words version to the gibberish of the sentence, ‘When in doubt, just make it up as you go along.’”

Govt promising more clarity on MPs’ progress in learning basics

The government has unveiled a new school report system for its MPs, saying it will give voters clearer information about their representatives similar to the new primary and intermediate report cards.

Chief government whip Stuart Smith said the twice-yearly evaluations would ensure all its MPs’ achievements in three basic subjects — toeing the party line, sucking up to the PM and successfully ignoring the struggles of ordinary New Zealanders — were measured in a uniform way.

The new reports would rank MPs across several aspects of each of the three subjects using a standardised five-point scale — “pointless”, “hopeless”, “still a waste of a seat”, “mostly harmless” and “snivelling toady”.

Smith said in the past coalition MPs have been able to rise through the ranks when hopeless. But from now on it was expected that all government MPs would need to reach the mostly harmless mark to be considered for a ministry outside cabinet and have reached ‘snivelling toady’ to be inside cabinet.

“Obviously the reports’ five-point scale will not be applied to either Deputy Prime Minister David Seymour or former Deputy Prime Minister Winston Peters,” Smith said.

“As leaders of their own parties, they will have a separate three-point scale: “argumentative”, “antagonistic” and “gone batshit crazy”.

Photo / NZME. Illustration / Greg Dixon.

Govt launches new dob-in line for overzealous traffic lights

Following the complete successful failure of the traffic cone hotline, Minister for Brilliant Ideas Brooke van Velden has declared war on the “scourge” of traffic lights.

“The country is being held to ransom by council’s overzealous use of traffic lights,” Van Velden said in a press release. “I have research conducted inside my head that proves New Zealand’s productivity continues to lag behind the rest of the world because of the unacceptably high number of traffic lights found on our roads.”

Van Velden said while green traffic lights were popular with voters, red traffic lights were not. The hotline was for reporting red lights only.

“It is my long-term goal to replace all red lights with green lights and leave it to the public to adopt a risk-based approach to safety at intersections.”

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