“If she’s a woke person, I don’t really stand for any of that s**t.”
“ … Does that come with cheese?”
Okay, fine — that last quote isn’t real. It’s just a question I ask every day.
As tradition dictates, the premiere launches with the hens’ and bucks’ nights, where we induct all the freaks into this year’s circus. There’s more vanity, ego, desperation and body augmentation than The Substance.
The bucks’ night is always a dick-measuring contest. Or, more accurately, a veneer-measuring contest.
In the near-future, all MAFS contestants will be manufactured by a 3D printer. Photo / Nine AU
Cue the “bad boy” music. Annnnd enter Chris.
“People really love me or hate me,” he tells us.
Hot tip: If someone says this, the truth is everyone hates them.
He begins listing his turn-offs: “Fake tan, needy and fat people”.
Huh. A little rude. Who would go on national television and say that? Eh, maybe we misheard him.
… Or maybe not.
“Overweight, for me,” he begins to double down on the fatphobia.
“I don’t walk down the street callin’ someone fat, but if I have a general interest in someone they’ve generally gotta be fit and healthy.”
As the old adage goes: If you don’t have anything nice to say, go on prime time TV and say it repeatedly.
“Fat people, no-go,” he declares, just to ensure we all understand his point.
Of course, all of this is a ruse to rage bait the masses and build a following so he can launch a brocast filled with antagonistic generalisations.
Can’t wait to see Chris stand at the altar with a set of scales and a measuring tape to weigh-in his new wife, like she’s on The Biggest Loser.
Meanwhile, across Sydney Harbour at the hens’ night, we’re introduced to some of the ladies entering the experiment. Please meet Julia!
Julia is a … ah … well …
Okay, lemme try typing this with a straight face.
Julia is a Confidence and Charisma Consultant.
Of course, we all take her career incredibly seriously and we don’t think it’s at all ridiculous.
Everyone who works in the healthcare industry should be shown respect. Rumour has it, Julia even trained under the tutelage of Lucinda Light.
Julia, under which category would your services fall in our private health extras cover?
Someone who will not be needing Julia’s tips on confidence and charisma is Gia.
“With men, I always get my way. And it’s easy to know why: beautiful fake tits,” she states.
Viewer warning: Gia has boobs — and she’s not afraid to use ’em.
‘Mirror mirror on the wall, who has the most beautiful body of them all?’ Photo / Nine AU
Producers then find it necessary to play b-roll close-up footage of Gia’s breasts bouncing as she drains San Remo pasta in a plastic strainer.
“I’m not here to live ordinary – I wanna be remembered. I’m not a basic b***h, ya know?”
She enters the hens’ night and quickly establishes her position in the hierarchy.
“I’m seeing some sweet girls. Like … they’re pretty … But I’m not, like, ‘Wow! She’s f*****’ hot’, ya know?”
As all the other ladies trade war stories about heartbreak and being dumped, Gia issues an assessment of her new peers: “They’re just so basic”.
While one lady drones on about her past relationship trauma, Gia decides to interrupt with a more interesting story.
“I moved to LA in my early 20s. I did Playboy. I was at the Playboy mansion every weekend!” she regales.
“Every Sunday we’d have the buffet with Hef.”
Bec – a bride with a goofy girl-next-door temperament – can’t help but react with a strange look.
Gia can’t believe her exceptional tale about eating room-temperature deli meats at a decrepit sex mansion would be met with such contempt.
In retaliation, she issues some words of wisdom to Bec: “You’re a five-out-of-10, so f*****’ chill”.
Then the oldest bride in the room – Rebecca, 51 – decides to shift the mood of the party by making a speech to empower all the ladies. She ends it with a warning to them all: don’t steal my husband.
This prompts Gia to serve an insult that whacks Rebecca all the way back to the olden days of 1975 when she was born.
“Old Rebecca, do you think any of us hot b*****s at 30 and 20 are gonna f*****’ try and take ya 50-year-old, babe?” she mocks. “Relax.”
Gia! Show some respect. You can’t go around talking about elderly people like that. That’s not the kind of class we’d expect from someone who spent every Sunday with a horny 100-year-old reptilian man in a threadbare satin robe and boat captain’s hat.
The following day, it’s time for the first two weddings: an unhinged wedding, and a wholesome wedding. As a public service to all readers of this recap, the latter has been excluded.
Please meet Alissa. Her job? “Nurse and social media manager”. Her duties include streaming all your colonoscopies on Instagram Live.
She’s paired with David.
“I’m an e-commerce product manager,” he explains. “But I was a rap artist for 10 years.”
Ah yes. Tupac embarked on a similar trajectory. A lot of people think he died. But the truth is he got out of the hip hop game to pursue a lifelong passion for digital data entry.
How many more talented lyricists are we gonna lose to e-com? Photo / Nine AU
At the altar, David falls in lust with Alissa immediately. But how does Alissa feel?
“I’m really sorry. I don’t think I can marry you,” she snips.
This girl knows how to make the weekly promos. Photo / Nine AU
Her stern face then gradually softens and her pursed lips rise into a smirk.
Psych!
It’s just a prank. Well … sorta.
“Not until you get on your knees and propose to me first,” she stipulates.
David doesn’t want to. After all, hasn’t he endured enough embarrassment for today?
It’s always fun to play with people’s vulnerabilities! Photo / Nine AU
“I’m not gonna marry you until you get on one knee and ask me to marry you,” she warns.
He eventually submits and drops to a knee. It’s the most humiliating moment in Married At First Sight’s 12-year history – and that’s including the toilet toothbrush scandal.
Alissa’s demanding, high-maintenance ways get David’s friends off-side. They feel like they’ve just met a woman who possesses all the worst qualities of every Reese Witherspoon character.
“I don’t think Alissa’s the one for David,” one mutters.
“No. Nup. I agree,” another whispers. “Looks only get you so far.”
They pledge to destroy her at the wedding reception.
But before they can, Alissa attempts to backtrack on her domineering behaviour.
“I wanna say sorry. I didn’t mean to put you on the spot,” she tells her new husband later that night. “I’m not a mean girl. It was just something that I needed to know you’re all in. So, sorry if it came off the wrong way.”
He accepts her apology. And, as punishment, Alissa is summoned to a lifetime of listening to her new husband’s unreleased rap demos.
Married At First Sight Australia screens tonight, Wednesday and Thursday this week, then Sundays-Wednesdays from February 15 on Three and Three Now.