Missed bills, odd investments — when it’s time to talk money with aging parents

A new Bankrate survey finds that money is the topic we’re most uncomfortable talking about with family and friends — after religion (18%), salary (45%), politics (24%) and relationships (51%). And when it comes to discussing finances with aging parents, those stakes feel even higher.

“In general, people often shy away from having hard, but important conversations about their finances in fear of feeling uncomfortable or overstepping boundaries,” says Heather Courtney Quinn, wealth management advisor at Fortuna Wealth Management.

But the good news? Having that talk doesn’t have to feel like an ambush. With the right approach, you can turn it into a productive conversation that brings you closer together. Here’s how to talk to your parents about their finances.

The real reason to have the “money talk”

Many families don’t talk about finances until there’s a crisis. But by then, it’s often too late to make informed decisions.

“The biggest mistake people make is assuming everything is fine,” says Patrick Simasko, elder law attorney and financial advisor at Michigan-based Simasko Law. “They often don’t actually have a clue what their parents have in their bank or how much income they have each month.”

Wondering when to talk about money with aging or elderly parents? Here are red flags that suggest it’s time for the conversation:

Unusual behavior, like unopened mail and late payments. “The signs can be subtle or obvious,” says Pam Krueger, founder and CEO of Wealthramp. “You may notice a stack of unopened mail with missed bills, or realize their credit card, mortgage or utility bills are overdue or late fees have accumulated.”

Missing money or confusion about expenses. They may struggle to track spending — or, worse, fall victim to identity theft, fraud or financial abuse.

Memory lapses or difficulty keeping up with financial tasks. Forgetfulness can signal a deeper issue that requires intervention.

If you’re noticing these signs, starting the conversation sooner rather than later can help prevent serious financial problems.

🔍 Read more: 8 common money mindsets holding you back — and how to break through the barriers

2 things to sort out before you talk

A productive conversation starts long before you sit down with your parents. Taking these steps ahead of time can set you up for success.

1. Set clear goals

Before the discussion, ask yourself:

What do I want to accomplish? Is it making sure bills are paid? Discussing long-term care? Checking if they have an estate plan?

What’s the top priority? You don’t need to cover everything in one sitting. Remember that this isn’t a one-time talk — it’s an ongoing conversation.

How much do I know about their key financial situation? Do they have a will and durable power of attorney? How about life insurance? Where are their important documents and account numbers stored?

2. Decide who should be involved

If you have siblings or other close family, decide whether they should be part of the conversation.

But be mindful of family dynamics: If tensions run high between siblings or adult children, consider appointing a neutral third party — like a financial advisor or elder law attorney — to help facilitate the conversation.

🔍 Read more: 5 red flags to watch out for before choosing a financial advisor

3 tips for starting the conversation right

Discussing finances can make parents feel vulnerable. The way you frame the conversation can make all the difference. Here’s how to talk to aging parents about their future.

Pick the right time and place

A relaxed family visit is better than a high-pressure or emotionally charged situation.

“These conversations need to come from a place of love and respect,” says Cameron Huddleston, author of Mom and Dad, We Need to Talk. “If you let your parents know that you want to talk to them because you’re looking out for their best interests, they likely won’t get upset with you.”

Start with empathy, not control

A common mistake is coming in too aggressively, which can make parents shut down. Huddleston suggests saying something like:

Mom and Dad, you took good care of me while I was growing up. I want to be able to do the same if you ever need help from me. Yes, I understand that your finances might not be any of my business right now. But if something were to happen to you, it might become my business. That’s why I’d like to get some information from you.

Ask open-ended questions

The best way to keep the conversation going is to ask thoughtful, open-ended questions. “Let them know you’re there to help and that understanding what they want to happen in the event they cannot speak for themselves is your objective,” says Krueger.

Some great questions to start with:

“If you were in the hospital, how would I make sure your bills got paid?”

“Do you have a plan for long-term care if you ever need it?”

“Would you feel comfortable sharing where important documents are stored in case I ever needed to access them?”

If they’re hesitant, don’t push. The goal is to build trust, not force them into a conversation they’re not ready for. “How and when to bring up this conversation and asking the right questions is the only way to get the right answers,” says Krueger.

🔍 Read more: Medical debt, forgotten 401(k)s, no care plan: What to fix before retirement hits

The 4 money topics you need to cover

Once the conversation is rolling, focus on the most important financial matters as your parents age.

1. Daily money management

How do they pay bills? Are they taking any debts into retirement? Do they receive scam calls, texts or emails?

“I regularly talk with my mother about scams I’ve heard of and listen when she talks about spam texts or emails,” says Brian Seelinger, an attorney at Knox, McLaughlin, Gornall & Sennett, P.C. “This communication helps remind her to ask me if she’s not positive about some type of mail, email or text.”

🔍 Read more: 5 practical ways to keep your financial information and identity safe online

2. Healthcare costs and insurance

Medical expenses and other care costs can quickly drain savings in retirement, so ask your parents about their health insurance, including Medicare or Medicaid, supplemental insurance policies and long-term care insurance. If they don’t have a plan for covering unexpected medical expenses, now is the time to discuss options.

Many aging parents assume they won’t need long-term care, but 70% of people over 65 eventually do. Planning ahead of time can make care more affordable and less stressful.

“I just had a 73-year-old woman with muscular dystrophy come in and tell me she cannot afford $60 a week for physical therapy,” says Simasko, elder law attorney and financial advisor. “If her family had gotten involved sooner, she may not have had any issues covering her copay costs.”

3. Estate planning and wills

Make sure your parents have:

An up-to-date will — legal document stating you want property and other assets distributed after your death

A power of attorney — legal document authorizing a person to make financial and medical decisions on your behalf

A living will or advance healthcare directive — legal document outlining your medical preferences and appointing another person to make care decisions on your behalf, especially for end-of-life care

“The two most important documents families should have in place before an emergency arises are medical power of attorney and financial power of attorney,” says Patrick Simasko, elder law attorney and financial advisor.

If your parents don’t have these documents yet, encourage them to meet with an estate planning attorney. It’s far easier to get things in order while they’re healthy than to deal with legal red tape during a crisis.

4. Future housing plans

Many parents assume they’ll stay in their homes forever, but aging can bring mobility challenges or health issues that make independent living difficult, affecting their well-being.

Ask such questions as:

Do you have a plan if you need home care or assisted living?

Are you open to help from a caregiver, such as a support worker?

How do you feel about downsizing or moving to a senior community?

🔍 Read more: How healthy are your finances, really? 4 money questions to ask yourself

What to do if the conversation becomes difficult

Talking about money can bring up a lot of emotions — pride, fear or even embarrassment. If your parents become defensive, try these approaches.

Acknowledge their concerns

If they say, “I don’t need help. Everything is fine,” try responding with:

“I trust that you’ve got things under control, but I just want to make sure I can step in if there’s ever an emergency. This is about making things easier for you — not taking anything away.”

Use real-life examples

If they’re reluctant to talk, sharing a real-world story can help:

“I know someone whose parents didn’t have a will, and it created a lot of stress for their family. I’d love to make sure we don’t end up in a similar situation.”

Bring in a trusted third party

If emotions run high, ask if you can bring in a financial advisor, attorney, certified financial planner or family friend they trust:

“Would you feel more comfortable talking to a financial advisor together? They can walk us through what’s important without any pressure.”

🔍 Read more: ‘You call that an emergency fund?’ 5 money basics most adults are failing right now

How to create a financial care plan together

Once you’ve started the conversation, create a simple plan to keep up with your aging parents’ finances and financial health.

Monitor accounts for unusual activity. Many banks and financial advisors allow you to establish a trusted contact person to receive alerts. “This is someone the parent has named not to access their money, but to be the first person called if there is any reason to believe they’re being scammed,” says Krueger.

Plan regular check-ins. Even a simple, “Anything on your mind financially?” can be a good way to keep dialogue open.

“A big mistake when speaking to aging parents is attempting to change a significant portion of their financial lives all at once,” says Peter Hoglund, senior vice president at Wealth Enhancement Group.

“Most of those financial habits are built over many years and provide comfort in familiarity. Try to identify and suggest changes to only those financial items that are truly harmful, and not simply different or archaic,” says Hoglund.

🔍 Read more: 5 practical ways to keep your financial information and identity safe online

Resources and financial support for families

Need extra support? These trusted resources can help you figure out how to talk to aging parents about finances and support you with services:

2-1-1 hotline. This FCC-supported hotline is your three digits for information and social services that can help with food, finances, transportation and other necessary support through more than 200 local organizations, including United Way, Goodwill and community action partnerships. Simply dial 2-1-1 or search for help by ZIP code.

🔍 Read more: Top 15 financial scams targeting older Americans — and how to avoid them

Other stories you might likeAbout the writer

Cassidy Horton is a finance writer who specializes in banking, insurance, lending and paying down debt. Her expertise has been featured in NerdWallet, Forbes, MarketWatch, CNN, USA Today, Money, The Balance and Consumer Affairs, among other top financial publications. Cassidy first became interested in personal finance after paying off $18,000 in debt in 10 months of graduation with an MBA. Today, she’s committed to empowering people to stand up and take charge of their financial futures.

Article edited by Kelly Suzan Waggoner

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