Greg Dixon’s Another Kind of Politics: Luxon to NZ: your power bill, your problem

PM Christopher Luxon. Photo / Getty Images. Illustration / Greg Dixon

Greg Dixon’s weekly satirical column Another Kind of Politics runs a sharp eye over local and international politics.

Prime Minister Christopher Luxon says the beginning of an election year is the “perfect” time to tell struggling New Zealanders you’ll soon be jacking up their power bills.

Luxon
and Energy Minister Simon “Less Than 40” Watts announced this week the government is planning a “levy” on electricity users to pay for the $1 billion-plus cost of a cargo terminal for the bulk importing of the fossil fuel Liquified Natural Gas.

Luxon claims the “dry year” scheme will lead to lower power bills in the future. However, the brilliant plan would cost households an extra $15-$30 a year in the meantime.

In the year to September, power charges rose by a whopping 11.3%, while Consumer NZ is warning prices could rise at least another 5% this year. Meanwhile, a recent poll showed that public concern about the cost of living is at its highest level since May 2024. Additionally, the government has done nothing to rein in huge profits from power generators and retailers during its two years in office.

One political commentator said the “levy” plan seemed to suggest the government thought the country was populated by brain-dead morons.

“This is a tax on already struggling New Zealanders, pure and simple,” he said. “But the real question is whether anyone in their right minds would believe the government’s wild promise that putting up power bills now will magically bring down power bills at some unspecified point in the future.

“New Zealanders should ask themselves this: when was the last time their power bill went down? Unlike Luxon’s popularity, power bills never go down.

“Instead of sticking it to ordinary New Zealanders to pay for this terminal, why doesn’t the government take windfall taxes from the enormously profitable power companies instead?

“This is a tone-deaf sales job by Luxon and proof the government really does think the country is full of idiots.”

Luxon rejected the claim the levy was a tax. He also said forcing up power prices at the beginning of an election year, in the middle of ongoing voter concerns about the cost of living and with polls showing National was losing support was “smart politics”.

“Look, everyone knows I have an astute political brain. And that brain has told me the beginning of election year is the perfect time to announce a new tax on struggling New Zealanders. Besides, what’s an extra $30 a year? If you can’t afford that, tough luck: it’s your power bill, so it’s your problem, not my government’s.”

Photo / Getty Images. Illustration / Greg Dixon

Nicola Willis announces investigation into John F Kennedy assassination

Minister for Old News Nicola Willis has announced a surprise investigation into the 1963 assassination of US President John F Kennedy.

Willis said yesterday that on top of her cynical election year inquiry into the Reserve Bank’s response to the Covid-19 pandemic five years ago, she had also ordered officials to probe the Kennedy murder in Dallas and discover whether it was the result of a conspiracy.

“The CIA. The mafia. Fidel Castro. Cuban exiles. Grassy Noel. Any one of these could be responsible for the huge waste of New Zealanders’ tax dollars during the fake Covid-19 pandemic. They’re certainly all in the frame for the killing of Kennedy, so it makes sense to investigate both cases.”

One political commentator said the inquiries stank of desperation but were entirely understandable.

“Look, it’s an election year. You have a National party that’s been slowly fading in support for two years, with quite a bit of that support apparently drifting to New Zealand First, a party which unashamedly woos conspiracy wing nuts.

“The Kennedy assassination and the Covid-19 ‘plan-demic’ are the biggest conspiracies in living memory, so it makes sense to drum up votes from the conspiracy loons with headline-generating inquiries into both.

“I’m just surprised Willis hasn’t also announced inquiries into the Canterbury panther, the Kaikoura lights-UFO thing back in ’78 and Moehau, the Bigfoot of the Coromandel.”

Labour’s secret campaign plan: “Indecision 2026”

Dithering on big issues could be the secret to a Labour-led government, party insiders believe.

One Labour operative, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said the party’s stance on National’s draft free trade deal with India was a great example of how Labour intended to spend election year.

“So, first Chris Hipkins seemed relatively keen to support this important deal through parliament. Then he announces this week National should have come to Labour sooner about the details of the deal.

“This is all part of our cunning plan to confuse voters. If we keep blowing hot and cold on big issues then it’s hard for people to object to our position, because voters have no clear idea of what our position is.”

One political commentator said it wasn’t a cunning plan because the overall impression was Hipkins was just dithering. “He looks like a child vacillating over which ice cream flavour to pick. Who wants a child as prime minister?

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