“Some [goals] are shared and some are more personal. Every good relationship is going to have that balance of autonomy and communication.”
Hartmann said a lot of money conflicts are not actually about money.
“It’s up to us to figure out what they’re really about. There can be resentment about the past or it can be simply because we’re approaching things in a different way,” he said.
“We need to overcome those hurdles to discussing money. Part of that is supporting each other along the way. It’s sort of the art of helping your partner to get to where they want to go.
“It really comes back to communication. That money conversation is not easy but it’s a series of conversations and you want to make it as easy as possible.”
James Blair, wealth director at Lighthouse Financial, said most people don’t enter relationships aligned on money, and issues like spending habits, debt tolerance, risk appetite and long-term goals are often not discussed.
“We all have different money personalities and based on my experience, I would say nine out of 10 couples marry someone with a different money personality to them,” Blair said.
“If you don’t have the conversation, it only gets worse over time and leads to more conflict.”
Blair recommended setting out money goals over three steps.
“Each of you tell the other what you would like for your future … where will you live, what lifestyle do you want now, when do you want to retire and who do you want to help over time (eg kids).”
Blair said these goals should be Smart – specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, timeframe.
Secondly, try to bring those goals together, he said.
“This is where you work together to understand what is the most important to each of you, so you are walking away with joint goals.”
Lastly, Blair said to reverse-engineer those goals.
“I want a $2 million house sounds unachievable and maybe it is. But how long are you willing for this to take and what steps each payday do you need to take to get there?
“Now the question is – are you willing to do what it takes to achieve these goals or are you not willing to make the sacrifices required to get there? Either way it is fine but if you can’t do it then change the goal.
“What destroys relationships isn’t unrealistic dreams. It’s unspoken expectations.”
Cameron Smith is an Auckland-based business reporter. He joined the Herald in 2015 and has covered business and sports. He reports on topics such as retail, small business, the workplace and macroeconomics.