First they came for our arms, which needed to be toned. Then they came for our abs, which needed to be taut. Now, looking at the latest crop of red carpet photos, they’ve come for our boobs and God help us all. Did Gwyneth Paltrow and Kristen Bell choose the SAG awards to prove that theirs do not? Perhaps. But what they did prove beyond reasonable doubt, with their V-shaped cleavage exposed from neck to navel, was that even their boobs are better than ours. They give good veavage, and no amount of crunches will help us now.
The mission creep for midlife women started with our arms, and the year was 2009. Before that there used to be a time, somewhere north of 40, when women could view bingo wings as a fact of life and something for which cap sleeves were helpfully invented. Then came the magnificent Michelle Obama, who, in her official portrait that year, proved that toned arms were not only possible but necessary. Anything else was letting yourself go. Obama was the first lady of the United States, after all. She was a former high-powered lawyer with two small children and a president to run. If she could find the time to do all the weights and Pilates and press-ups and pull-ups it takes to work a sleeveless shift dress at 45, then so could we. We owed it to the sisterhood. And so, with a sigh, we raised our game and started work on our triceps.
Jennifer Aniston
JEFFREY MAYER/MEDIA PUNCH/ALAMY LIVE NEWS
Then they started showing off their abs. Gwyneth Paltrow — again — almost everywhere, and Lily Collins at New York Fashion Week in a top with no middle. Jennifer Aniston showed us how she achieved a six-pack aged 57 in the gym, furiously working away on her Pvolve regime with its mysterious mats and balls and promise of “total body transformation” if you pay hundreds for the kit. Did anybody mention that achieving a stomach like that is basically impossible if you have a full-time job because you have to do crunches 9-5 instead? They did not. Did anyone point out that even looking at a slice of toast when you’re Aniston’s age will give you a belly roll? They did not, and nor did the small print say “for best results, hire a personal trainer and a chef as well”. Instead, we’ve been shown how side abs can be sexy and stomachs can be something to celebrate, and if you aren’t wearing something cut-out or cropped you’re effectively giving up.
And now, inevitably, the makeover mission has reached our cleavage. We’ve lived through side boob and under boob, and now it’s full frontal boob on the SAG red carpet. JLo at a gala in Beverly Hills in December, Halle Berry at a London premiere in January, with apparently not a bra to their name. Gwyneth and co just this weekend at SAG. You used to know where you were with your boobs, which was safely stored in a balcony bra where nothing bad could happen to them. The veavage, though, raises the bar because it’s completely impossible if you haven’t got biddable breasts. Either by accident or design, veavage calls for them to be small and perfectly formed. Unlike with abs or arms, no amount of diet or exercise will make a difference, or render big boobs little or saggy boobs pert. What a time to be alive and possessed of a pair.
Jennifer Lopez
EMMA MCINTYRE/FILMMAGIC
For what it’s worth, I think all those dresses would be better with a bit more up top. Just because you can wear a dress that’s slit from your navel to your neck doesn’t mean there isn’t a more flattering alternative, called “a top half”. Kate Moss was on the runway in a Gucci thong just last week, flashing her bum crack at 52, and good for her. It’s her job. Was it a nice look? No. Would it work on the school run? No.
The bottom line — I’m sorry, but I had to — is that Gwyneth and co are genetically blessed and you and I are not. Or at least I’m not, and there we are. I swim every day, I do Pilates a few times a week, I can crunch my own bodyweight, to mix my gym metaphors, and I still don’t have a six-pack. I never will. I could wish for small, perfectly formed breasts, and I do every time I look wistfully at a delicate little A-cup bra, but again, there we are. Life’s a bitch and it’s better than the alternative. So, Gwyneth, I wish you joy of your veavage. I apologise, Michelle, but I’m sticking with the cap sleeves. Lily, I will never wear a crop top. I have an unfashionable cleavage and veavage is for ever beyond me. Hey ho.