Greg Dixon’s Another Kind of Politics: Parliament stunned as Luxon changes tune on Iran again

Photo / Getty Image. Illustration / Greg Dixon

Greg Dixon’s weekly satirical column Another Kind of Politics runs a sharp eye over local and international politics.

The government’s position on the US-Israel attacks on Iran took a turn for the bizarre yesterday, with Prime Minister Christopher Luxon attempting to sing his way out of saying
if he supports the strikes.

Standing during yesterday’s oral question time in Parliament to address days of criticism that his position on the ongoing military attacks is wishy-washy, weak-kneed, flip-floppy, feeble and muddled, Luxon cleared his throat, hummed middle C and then launched into song, singing:

“And Iran, I ran so far away,

I just ran, I ran all night and day,

And Iran, I ran so far away,

Iran, I couldn’t get away”

Luxon then sat down to silence and began fiddling with his phone while Iran burned, Israel and US continued bombing and US President Donald Trump’s regime offered the world another half dozen conflicting explanations for the timing of the attacks.

Following his peculiar question time serenade, Luxon later appeared to put the song’s lyric into action when he was observed running away, so far away, from reporters seeking clarification on his latest position on the war.

In the Prime Minister’s absence, Finance Minister Nicola Willis later told waiting media that Luxon’s performance in the House had certainly silenced the government’s critics. “The Prime Minister has once again shown the strength of his leadership and communication skills with this heartfelt song about Iran. There wasn’t a dry seat in the House.”

Luxon’s position on the US-Israel attacks on Iran, strikes which have been widely condemned as illegal under international law, has been confounding political observers all week. After first saying his government’s position was to support “any actions” to stop Iran building nuclear weapons, he later walked back this position to only support “actions” to stop Iran going nuclear.

After yesterday’s operatic performance by Luxon, one commentator said that it now appeared that the Prime Minister’s latest position on holding a position on the Iran attacks was to position himself as far away as possible from having a position.

“Following this performance, you’d have to say Luxon is all over the place,” the commentator said. “He’s like a flock of seagulls.”

Photo / Getty Images. Illustration / Greg Dixon.

Trump orders large-scale missile strike on neck rash

US President Donald Trump has announced Operation Epic Scratching in an attempt to eliminate a rash on his neck that he says has been threatening to go nuclear.

Ongoing talks with Trump’s angry rash, which is believed to have sponsored proxy rashes in his crotch and on his cankles, had ended with no deal. The rash’s intransigence had left the United States with no option but to use lethal force to eliminate the unsightly skin eruption, the president said.

“People are saying, so many people, that the most effective way to deal with a rash is to just leave it alone,” Trump said. “But this was an itch I had to scratch. We sought repeatedly to make a deal with the rash. We tried. The rash wanted to do it. The rash didn’t want to do it. The rash wanted to do it. The rash didn’t want to do it again.

“For these reasons, the United States military is undertaking a massive and ongoing operation to prevent this very wicked, radical rash from threatening America and our core national security interests.”

A dermatologist said firing missiles at a rash could lead to complications. “It might kill the rash’s nuclear ambitions, but such a radical treatment comes with side effects, including spreading the rash further and death.”

A United Nations spokesperson said attacking the rash was an act of war, and without UN support it was illegal under international law.

The rash has been approached for comment.

MP Andrew Bayly tells electorate he’s “taking some wine and f—king off”

Infamous insult comic and National MP for Port Waikato Andrew Bayly says he will save his electorate from having to vote Act in this year’s election by not standing in the seat again in November.

However, Bayly said he isn’t retiring from politics, but was “exploring the option of applying to be on the party list”. A National insider said the party was reserving spot number 115 on the list for Bayly, though the party’s list for the 2023 election totalled just 74.

Bayly’s greatest contribution to the government this term was resigning as a minister early last year after calling a Marlborough vineyard worker a loser and telling him to “take some wine and f—k off”.

Bayly said giving up the Port Waikato seat was entirely unrelated to that incident. “In fact, I want to move to the South Island so I can be closer to that loser from that vineyard.” He said following his decision he was looking forward to taking his own advice. “I shall be taking some wine from Bellamys’ cellar and f—king off as soon as I can.”

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Photo / Getty Images. Illustration / Greg Dixon.SaveShare this article

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