“A video popped up of you that my friend sent me,” she tells her husband.
“What video?” Joel croaks, rubbing the crust out of his eyes.
“Um … you playing the drums with dildos,” Juliette snips.
Joel refuses to be shamed for his dildo drumsticks.
“And that bothers you?” he replies, offended by his wife’s lack of appreciation for the arts. “It’s just harmless humour. I’m using dildos as drumsticks.”
Oh, Joel. The problem isn’t the dildo drumsticks, per se. It’s what the dildo drumsticks represent: your at-any-cost mission to go viral.
“It’s weird,” she says. “The facial expressions you were doing were … odd.”
We imagine the facial expressions were something like this:
Exhibit A.
“I’m icked out. I’m so icked out,” Juliette cringes.
We don’t know the full details of the video. In our minds, we like to think it’s perhaps a twisted skit satirising that old Cadbury commercial with the big gorilla playing drums to the Phil Collins song In The Air Tonight.
“I can’t help but feel embarrassed,” Juliette confides in us. “That has pushed me over the edge about whether I find Joel attractive.”
We totally understand her frustrations. It’s concerning. No one wants to live in fear their intimate bedroom accessories will be used for prop comedy skits on YouTube.
Juliette is forever haunted by the tribal beats of Joel’s dildocore album.
Meanwhile, Scott and Gia have decided to merge their lives further by inviting some friends and family over for lunch. It all seems nice and polite until one of Scott’s mates zones in on Gia.
“Scott, is Gia a better version of ya ex?” he grunts.
Gia immediately goes in for the attack.
“You wanna be controversial? I’ll give it back because that’s what I’m like. I don’t think you can compare because I would never start an OnlyFans for $8,” she snaps, seemingly suggesting her husband’s ex dabbles in amateur porn. “I haven’t slept with a bunch of people.”
Yeah, Matt! There’s a huge difference between being a Playboy Bunny and being on OnlyFans!
Scott tries to play down the tension and laughs it off. He doesn’t even talk to that ex anymore, he says. But Gia’s clearly agitated. So, later that night when she suddenly disappears, we assume they might be feuding about Scott’s lack of support over lunch.
But not quite.
“Gia just walked out,” Scott sighs to us.
We cut to shaky handheld footage of Gia storming through the lobby with her luggage.
“I’m done with the experiment, man. He can f*** off. I’m done,” she yells.
She clamours into the back of a Kia Carnival and screeches away from Trash Tower.
It’s hard to pull off a swift dramatic exit in a Kia Carnival.
Was it because of Scott’s mouthy mate? No. A fight broke out because Gia found a photo of Scott’s ex on his phone – and he refused to delete it. Was it a photo of the OnlyFans variety?
We can’t say for sure.
But is the photo worse than, say, a video of Scott playing air drums with two dildos?
Married at First Sight screens Sundays to Wednesdays on Three and Three Now