“He just completely gaslit me in front of the entire group. And then created a smear campaign to paint me out to be some crazy b**ch. And, by the way, you’re gonna get crazy b**ch when you’re giving me crazy b**ch. Idiot!”
For context: Joel didn’t gaslight her. He simply disagreed with her claim that he called himself “the star of the show”. What he actually said was “you don’t see the star in me” – which is different, though admittedly still tragic. But Juliette’s convinced she’s the victim of a smear campaign, despite being the one who spent an hour publicly humiliating Joel before dropping the C-bomb.
The truth of the matter? Both of these people are annoying – just in very different ways. Yes, Joel has the personality of that guy from the Shamwow infomercials. Still, at least he’s not a big meanie.
“Tonight, I’m hoping the experts see Joel for what he truly is. He wants to be perceived as the star of the damn show!” Juliette spits. “And he was not giving ‘stardom’. He was giving ‘loser’. He was giving ‘meanie poop’.”
And you, my love, are giving ‘insufferable’.
The look of … love?
Anyway, the experts are less concerned with semantics and more concerned with the fact that Juliette called Joel a C-word on national television – and how she is now bizarrely demanding an apology. (This is one of two absurd twists tonight. Hang in there …)
“YOU should apologise to ME,” she declares.
Juliette doubles down on her allegations and tells the experts that Joel launched a “smear campaign” against her at the dinner party.
Huh. That’s … interesting. Do you happen to have any specific examples of Joel’s so-called smear campaign?
Juliette takes a minute to think.
“Umm …” she looks up at the ceiling, trying to think of a single insult Joel flung her way.
She can’t remember any. Mainly because none exist.
“You’ve been putting me down, you’ve been rejecting me – and you’ve been very nasty,” Joel tells her, staying calm and rational despite the weeks of ridicule.
“Are you actually listening to yourself?” she shoots back, trying to mock him into silence.
Joel looks at the floor. “The way you speak is vicious and with venom.”
What Juliette seems to be forgetting? Her every move is documented by a crew of at least five TV cameras. When she cut sick and went feral at the dinner party, the show’s experts were watching it all unfold on the CCTV monitors in the basement.
And now is the time for these experts to finally step in and deliver their Gogglebox reviews.
“I find it breathtaking, Juliette, that you want an apology from Joel for last night,” John Aiken begins. “Your behaviour last night towards Joel was ugly. And it was mean. And cruel. We’re not sure we’ve ever seen someone on the attack in such a way as you did to Joel last night.”
Yeah! Not since … well, not since two weeks ago when Gia and Brooke attacked Alissa until she cried. Or last week, when Bec attacked … well, everybody.
Come to think of it, this level of attack happens pretty regularly.
But we’re not going to let facts get in the way of a thunderous monologue.
John Aiken delivers his Gogglebox review to Juliette’s face.
Sexpert Alessandra piles on.
“What we witnessed last night was so incredibly vile. If that’s the way you speak to Joel in public, I shudder to think how you speak to him behind closed doors,” she winces.
The experts back Juliette into a corner until she’s forced to apologise. But first, she tries to justify her behaviour with a laughable excuse.
“When we’re fighting, I do say mean things in the heat of the moment. But, like, that’s normal – everyone does that,” she shrugs.
No, Juliette. Everyone does not call their husband a C-word on national television. That’s … that’s not a universal experience.
Eventually, under extreme duress, she caves.
“Ugh. Um. Look, last night … I obviously involved all of you guys,” she turns to face the other MAFS freaks, seemingly apologising to them instead of her husband. “I’m very sorry.”
The experts demand she redirect the apology to Joel. She pivots begrudgingly.
“Joel … I don’t feel … THAT much hatred towards you,” she snips.
Wow. Truly from the heart.
I’m going to buy some calligraphy pens and start selling a line of handmade anniversary cards on Etsy featuring the line: I don’t feel THAT much hatred towards you.
Say wot?
Joel’s unmoved: “I don’t accept your apology. I think it’s insincere.”
All this is building up to decision time. Clearly, Joel will not be staying to cop any more cruelty.
“I have too much respect for myself,” he announces, choosing to leave.
Juliette should be thankful. After weeks of huffing and puffing about being stuck with Joel, he has set her free from what she claims is her own personal hell.
Now comes the second twist of the evening.
“I DECIDED TO STAY!” she beams, flashing her decision card.
Girl, what?
Ya trapped!
As veteran MAFS viewers know, when one of the freaks decides to leave but another chooses to stay, the couple is automatically trapped in the experiment for another week.
Joel lays down the law – or attempts to. He tells Juliette she must show him basic kindness and respect. Oh and, like, don’t call him a c**t on TV.
She tunes out. Then admits she wasn’t listening to anything he just said.
For the next week, it only seems fair that Juliette is punished with daily performances of Joel playing the drums with dildos.
Married at First Sight screens Sundays to Wednesdays on Three and Three Now