David and Alissa are fighting. Since their trip to Adelaide, Alissa has started inventing problems with her marriage. She’s irritated by everything her husband does, from the way he breathes to the swish-swish-swish sound his pants make when he walks.
“I feel like I’m at the end of my tether,” she complains. “He has been snoring louder than usual! It’s just an emotional rollercoaster.”
If the show’s producers really were cruel, they’d lock Alissa in a room and make her listen to David’s unreleased rap demos on repeat.
We’d rather hear the snoring than the unreleased rap demos.
Meanwhile, Bec’s still trying to convince us that she and Danny are the show’s power couple.
“We’re the best we’ve ever been! He’s going to move to Adelaide! Danny and I are the strongest in the experiment,” she brags.
Huh. Interesting. It didn’t seem that way 24 hours ago when you two were swearing at each other on your suburban patio in Adelaide.
Shall we ask Danny how he feels about this allegedly spectacular union?
“I’m drained. I felt uncomfortable in her house,” he mutters.
Yeah. Us too, doll.
At the dinner table, the first topic of conversation is Sam and Chris, who, despite breaking up in a rural paddock surrounded by cattle just days ago, have returned. Why? To take passive-aggressive shots at each other while chewing on stale bread rolls.
Surprisingly, Chris has managed to win over most of the group. The wives are firmly Team Chris. Probably because he has given them a family-and-friends discount code to his cosmetic injectables clinic.
But Bec steps in to defend Sam.
“Sam sat there in tears by himself … because the person he has these feelings for was quite aggressive to him …”
“Babe, you’ve been aggressive too at the dinner parties!” Chris cuts her off.
If he could move his face, he’d scowl.
“You’re in no position to be giving someone feedback about their behaviour, honey,” he snaps. “So pipe down.”
Chris is revoking your family-and-friends discount code.
Chris suddenly starts regretting how nasty things have become.
“I don’t want this to be yucky,” he says.
“I don’t want it to be yucky either,” Sam agrees.
“It’s not yucky! It’s not yucky!” Danny assures.
STOP SAYING YUCKY.
Next order of business? Danny and Bec’s argument in Adelaide.
Danny tells the group he’s not sure if he can go ahead with Bec’s fantasy of him moving into her house.
“In the sense of moving forward … I don’t know how I’d wanna navigate …” he stammers. “If I was to move to Adelaide, how the logistics of it would look, as a man. I feel like … it’s more Bec’s house …”
He ums and ahs, trying to find the words.
Bec glares at him. What’s his problem?
Eventually, he spits it out.
“Because I feel like, if you move in with a woman … From my point of view, it makes you feel like a bit of a b**** moving in with a woman.”
There it is. The theory we’ve all been waiting for. Men who live in women’s houses? B****es. All of them. It’s a slippery slope. One day, you’re a man. The next, your missus is paying the bills while you’re down at the salon getting a perm.
The Government will be introducing new legislation requiring all real estate agents to add a new field to their listing forms: “Warning – female owner. May cause emasculation.”
Danny, please show some respect to your landlord.
Cue mass destruction.
“What are you on about?!” Bec shrieks.
We cut to the experts, who are cringeing as they watch it all unfold on CCTV from the basement. We immediately feel sad, knowing this is one of the final times we’ll see Mel Schilling issuing a no-nonsense slap down.
“He’s talking about feeling emasculated if she was the one who owned the house,” she sighs. “And let’s not use the term ‘b****’ in that way either, Danny. Not cool.”
We’ll miss these reaction cutaway shots to Mel.
On one hand, Bec’s furious at being told she can’t own property without emasculating men. But on the other hand, she relishes the chance to brag about her real estate portfolio.
“We’re on 800sq m, five minutes from the city with a $97,000 mortgage and a $3 million house! F*** me!” she howls.
Um, we’d like to fact-check this, Rebecca. Please provide relevant documentation, council rates notices, and a recent property valuation.
“Women have worked really hard to make sure we’ve got this multimillion-dollar home in the most affluent suburb of South Australia,” Bec continues. “So … yeah, ya not gonna be a B**** movin’ into MY house.”
Danny’s terrified of what the Adelaide townsfolk will think of him if they find out he lives in a house owned by a woman.
“I hear he’s the girl in the relationship,” one nosy local will whisper.
Another will nod. “I hear he sits down to pee.”
Danny is not giving in. “It made me feel de-masculated to, like, be in HER house … like a bit of a b****.”
Danny, you’re the one who wears a brooch whenever you leave the house, like you’re Julie Bishop attending a brunch for International Women’s Day. Get a grip.
All the women are enraged. The table erupts.
But Scott? He thinks Danny has a point.
“You like to be a provider!” he grunts. “I’ll be honest, I couldn’t go to Gia’s. I’m gonna buy the house and I’m gonna pay for everything – that’s just a manly thing.”
This sparks a movement among all the insecure men in the room. It’s like watching a support group for fragile egos.
David pipes up: “If I moved to Adelaide, I’d be getting my own spot! As a man, it’s just something I’d do. As a man, I believe the man should be the man of the house and take care of the big bills.”
Steven joins in: “I’m old school too, I’d feel more comfortable if Rachel moved into MY place so I can feel like a provider!”
Filip nods along: “It just works like that – females feel more secure when it is like that. It’s just how it is.”
Ah yes. Because nothing makes women feel more secure than being told they’re not allowed to own houses.
Honestly, just wait until these big burly men find out women can also be doctors and lawyers.
They’ll squeal.
Married at First Sight screens Sundays to Wednesdays on Three and Three Now.