We had the incredible honour of getting to share Kim Crossman’s pregnancy journey here at Capsule through her column, Pretty Pregnant. Well, Kim is no longer Pretty Pregnant – 10 weeks ago she welcomed her precious first baby: a darling little girl. And, just 10 weeks ago, Kim – staying true to her Type A personality – handed in a story just a day after giving birth, sharing all the twists and turns of her birth (that went completely differently to the way she expected) and, sharing a first look at her gorgeous little girl: Coco Joan.
Pretty Pregnant has become Pretty Postpartum and Kim has been generously sharing all the ups and downs and startling discoveries of postpartum with us. If you haven’t read her updates you can read her story about Coco’s birth here to read it now! Her update at two weeks here, a month in, here, at six weeks, here, eight weeks here and ten weeks here, 12 weeks here, 14 weeks here and 16 weeks here.
Now, this week is a special one. Kim now has a four-month-old and it’s exactly one year ago that she first saw the words ‘Pregnant’ come up on the digital pregnancy test she took, confirming Coco was on her way. For those of us who have been closely following along on this journey with Kim, we know this pregnancy didn’t come easily – and, although it was everything she wanted, this pregnancy was full of fear. Here Kim so beautifully – and again, generously – reflects on the journey to having Coco, plus, all the wonderful updates she has to share about motherhood…
Welcome to four months of motherhood.
These past two weeks I have been back in New Zealand as we welcomed in the milestone of four months of Coco. It also marked one year since I found out I was pregnant. It prompted a bit of a pause for me and a moment to reflect on what life has been like since that moment, and to also be able to look back with a new perspective on the months leading up to it.
I am always acutely aware when posting about Coco and our journey that there will be some people who feel hurt when they see these posts. I remember how part of me always hurt a little when I so badly wanted to be pregnant or have a baby and experience those things. It is not jealousy in the traditional sense because you want that person you are watching to be happy, but it does open the tab of ‘why not me ?’or ‘when will it be my turn?’
When I was diagnosed with very low AMH and it looked like IVF might be our only hope – and even then we were given some honest and undesirable statistics – it was extremely hard to cling to hope and optimism. I secretly hated my body. I felt like it was working against me. I hated my past. I wondered if years of self abandonment had led to emotional blocks preventing me from being able to conceive. All these thoughts and many others filled my brain while I was simultaneously trying to live in hope and flow and joy and abundance. I clung to the word nourishment as something that would embody everything I needed.
Ultimately I did get that positive test result. I look back at that video and I see myself overwhelmed with relief more than joy, with gratitude more than excitement, and with fear and love as I worried, like all women who have experienced miscarriage do, that I might lose it. That moment almost immediately robbed me of the ability to fully feel excited.
Gosh Kim, what a fun and slightly depressing way to start this blog haha. I will get to the fun. But on this milestone of one year since conceiving, I did feel reflective of my journey. While it is not the journey I would have chosen to get my sweet Coco, it is the journey I had and the one that has made me a good and grateful mum. It is the extra bit of power I pull on when I feel tired or overwhelmed. There is always more in the tank because I know all too well the moments I dreamed of being tired because I had a baby who needed me. It is that perspective that has really shaped and coloured my motherhood journey these last four months.
I will say I am proud of myself that I have reached that stage of motherhood where I can decipher the difference in a cry. Early on, people would say, “you will know if she is really not okay or if she is just tired”. I remember thinking how on earth will I know that. She is crying, it all sounds the same and it all sounds distressing. But now, older, wiser, and with more cries under my belt, I do know if she is really upset, just getting the last of her energy out before sleep, or genuinely distressed. It seems the car and getting her shots are the environments that really distress her.
Part of our doctor visit was also to get Coco’s hips checked. She has two bum creases on one side, which apparently can be a flag for hip dysplasia, so when she reached sixteen weeks we had a referral to get her checked out. The doctor reviewed her and gave her the tick of approval that no further action is needed at this point, but it is something we will keep an eye on.
And while we are on the topic of doctors, I am getting a follow up exam for my prolapse this coming week, and my fanny weights have arrived in the country. Keep an eye out for what I think will be a very funny unboxing video on my stories.
We have been making jokes as a family because that is how we approach most things that feel uncomfortable or heavy, about all the things I will be able to do once I have super strong pelvic floor muscles. I have no real idea how the weights work or what I will be capable of, but we have had fun joking about it. I will be sure to keep you posted if I take a life pivot and become some sort of circus performer.
We are so close to getting a proper giggle from Coco too. As an entertainer I am really trying my hardest to get more than a two second chuckle, using my best material and facials. We are so close and I am so excited. I can feel it is right on the cusp of breaking through.
My slightly controversial thought for this blog is around what to say or do when a mother is holding a crying baby. Let me start by saying I believe everyone is very well meaning here. I liken it to when I was diagnosed with depression and people would immediately start prescribing exercise without asking further questions. While well intentioned, when you are in a dark place one of the last things you want is a list of things to do. What it can sound like is this is your fault and you need to fix it, even if that is not the intention.
The most helpful thing someone can say is do you want to talk about it or can you describe what it feels like so I can understand. Then listen.
So here is my motherhood version. When Coco is crying and someone says do you want me to take her, I feel triggered. I understand some mums might feel relieved by that, but for me it can feel like someone is saying they can do a better job or know what to do. I know that is not actually the case, especially with family, but it is how it lands for me. I feel like my baby and I need each other in those moments and regulating her emotions is literally my job.
I actually started a mum chat thread on my Instagram about this, and it was so interesting because I realised I am statistically on an island here. Almost everyone who voted in a poll I put up said they really appreciate it when someone offers to take the baby. Which honestly I can completely understand too, and it reminded me how different we all are in what support feels like.
Perhaps a better way to approach it could be asking is there anything I can do to support you right now. That way it empowers the mum to ask for what she needs, whether that is someone to take the baby, a drink, a quiet room, or simply space.
That said, there have been moments where I feel myself getting overwhelmed and I know it is best for Coco to have fresh energy for a few minutes. So both things can be true. I would love to know your thoughts on this.
I do not want to jinx anything, but I am yet to experience the four month sleep regression that Instagram loves to warn me about. I feel like we are doing well. Coco is amazing. For a baby who is moved from location to location, she is very accommodating. I am feeding on demand, which I did not realise was even a thing people felt strongly about. I love that my milk supply is strong enough that I can feed her myself and I have lost all nerves about feeding in public.
We are not married to a strict routine. Instead I have embraced the idea of rituals. Every night we have a bath and stories, and in the morning her first wake window is just us with tummy time, a walk outdoors, and a front pack contact nap. Outside of that, things are flexible. It feels predictable but not rigid, which is working for us.
It is funny because I am usually quite type A, very Monica, yet in motherhood I feel more Phoebe. Hopefully you get my Friends reference. Maybe I am a Monica with a Phoebe cloak. I am not the mother I thought I would be, but listening to Coco and responding to her is where I am finding the most flow.
My family jokes that I give Coco first class treatment because I hold her so much, and that is why she does not love being put down. Before anyone worries, she does get plenty of time on the play mat for tummy time and independent play. She is just happiest over a shoulder and in motion. Am I creating a monster? Possibly, but right now connection feels more important than perfection.
I am in awe of women’s capacity. I look at my friends with multiple children and jobs and genuinely cannot comprehend how they do it all. They are superheroes. My friend Albie reminded me that the beautiful thing about capacity is that the more you stretch it, the more you have.
I have started keeping a notepad on the counter. When I remember something I need to do, I write it down. Then when Coco is asleep, I work through the list. It sounds simple, but it has changed everything. If it is not on the list, it will likely be forgotten.
With our first Easter done and four months of motherhood under my belt, I am sure everything is about to change again, as it always does when you get comfortable. And I am here for it.
In the coming weeks I will be meeting with my therapist Gwendoline Smith. Her book The Book of Overthinking helped me so much in my recovery. I have noticed an increase in negative self talk, so I want to check in and reassess where I am at now that things feel more hormonally balanced. I am also seeing Hayley for my pelvic floor exam and hoping to create a plan to move forward with my prolapse.
Next month is Maternal Mental Health Awareness Month. I thought it could be a beautiful idea to share advice that has made a positive impact on your journey, whether you are a mum, hoping to be one, or navigating loss or fertility challenges. My hope is that the comments become a space full of practical, tangible support so anyone who comes across it feels less alone. You have all had such an impact on my journey and I do not want to gatekeep that love.
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