Public Music Blasting: Should You Speak Up?
If you enjoy the column below, please subscribe to my newsletter! You’ll get each new issue in your inbox for free. I love having new email friends. Let’s open your letters!
I’m a chronically single, straight (sorry) man living in the Midwest. Now that I’m in my 30s, I’m realizing that the societal clock ticks faster here — everyone is seemingly married with kids already on the way. Due to my (apparently advanced) age and DINK aspirations, my dating pool is tiny.
Further complicating things: I’m allergic to cats. This isn’t a “pop a Benadryl and suffer” situation — I genuinely can’t be around them. Whenever I see someone on dating apps with a cat, I swipe left. My friends think I’m crazy for eliminating potential dates based on a pet. However, I think of pets as part of the family, and I’d never want to force my date to choose between me and the cat.
What do you think? Should I take a second look at cat ladies?
There’s a lot of life to live between matching with a woman on Hinge and moving in with her cat. So instead of assuming this will be an issue, why not put that chatbox to work and find out? Do it gently and tactfully, without rushing to your bottom line. “Cute cat! What’s their name?” is a solid way to start.
You might learn that his name is Freckles, and he’s actually her mom’s cat. Or you might learn that his name is Gumball, and he died last year. Or you might learn that his name is Disco, and he’s extremely antisocial and will never come within 20 feet of a human. Etc. etc. etc.
And sure, you might learn that his name is Tortellini, and he’s her best friend who snuggles in her bed every night along with her seven other cats. That would be a fair point at which to explain your severe allergy, and wish her well.
My point is that a photo can only tell you so much about your future together. And also that I’m pretty good at naming cats.
Every time I go to the laundromat, someone is loudly watching videos or listening to music on their phone. I even hear people playing music out loud in grocery stores and walking in the park.
When I go to the laundromat, I bring quiet things to do like a crochet project or a book to read. In the park, I want to relax and enjoy the sunshine and quiet. The grocery store is already playing music; I don’t want to hear more music on top of it.
To me, it seems inconsiderate, but it feels more rude to call people out on it. Am I just old and boring, or are they really out-of-pocket for playing videos and music aloud in public spaces?
This is my all-time biggest pet peeve. The other day I was writing from a coffee shop and the man next to me watched a solid 45 minutes of Gladiator II at full volume on his laptop. I kept hoping Paul Mescal would leap through the screen with his sword and impale him.
So here’s a PSA for everyone reading this: When you are listening to music or watching videos in public, please wear headphones. And the same goes for your iPad-addicted kids in restaurants. No headphones? No Bluey!
As for whether it’s worth confronting these offenders, I think it depends on how easily you could extricate yourself from the annoyance on your own. Like, Gladiator guy was driving me nuts, but it was easy enough to switch tables. But if I’m stuck on a flight next to someone doing that, with no escape? I might say something — if I’m feeling brave.
And to respond to your feeling that it would be “rude” to speak up: it doesn’t have to be! You can always ask nicely.
Here’s a drawing I did, inspired by the previous letter. This is what the world would look like if I were president:
Let’s open our last letter of the week…
My question is inspired by your recent conversation with Stonewalled, who felt like they were being ignored by their friend. I feel like I am that friend. I have this friend who had a baby three years ago. During her pregnancy and after her baby was born, I visited her a handful of times, and occasionally shipped presents and UberEats to her door, all of which she enjoyed because she would hint or even straight-up ask for them.
Things were not the same when I got pregnant and had my baby. Not only did my friend not visit me nor send me anything tangible (although she did offer lots of advice via iMessage and FaceTime), she claims that I should be visiting HER, to get a break or change of scenery from my life. Stephen, I think you can tell I’m feeling somewhat resentful. Should I tell her? Save our relationship? Or stop being her friend?
Dear Aspiring Stonewaller,
Well, I want to say you should try to save the relationship, but is there anything about it worth saving? I don’t think friendships require perfect reciprocity — you might be better in some areas of support, she might be better in others. But in the long run, there should be relatively equal amounts of give and take. Clearly, she’s comfortable taking from you. What does she give?
For example: Maybe she’s a total cheerleader for your career. Or maybe she’s a social butterfly who drags you off the couch and into the world. Or maybe she’s great at talking you off a ledge after a rough day. If this is a person who shows up for you in real ways, just not every way, then I do think you should try to push through this — either by telling her what you’re feeling, or by accepting that postpartum support is one area where she is deficient.
But if she’s just an all-around user who wants food, gifts, and hangouts delivered right to her door, then there isn’t much of a friendship to save. You have my blessing to stonewall.
Well, that’s all the advice I’ve got for today. But if you enjoyed this column, I hope you’ll subscribe to my newsletter! You’ll get each weekly issue right in your email for free. Give your inbox a little weekly treat.