Who invented this rule? I consulted a few books. De Civilitate Morum Puerilium, penned in 1530, was not a light read. Better luck with the scholarly musings of a young George Washington. Before he became the first American President, he was a schoolkid practising his cursive on The Rules of Civility – a comprehensive list of 110 ways to become a better human.
Sample rules: don’t pick your teeth with a fork. Don’t cut your bread with a greasy knife. If others talk at the table, “be attentive, but talk not with meat in your mouth”. (It occurs to me there might have been bigger hills to die on, but this is not the first time I’ve struggled to understand a presidential point of view).
Elbows off the table. Don’t start until everyone is seated. We all know all these rules. In 2026, we might add a new one – don’t film yourself breaking them.
Earlier this year, Piha-based chef and restaurateur Lucas Parkinson struck a chord on Instagram.
“What the f*** happened to don’t talk with your mouth full?” he asked. “Every time I go on social media it’s people stuffing their faces and talking or, worse, talking while continuously eating, even on videos non-food related. I don’t know about you, but I find it disgusting AF.”
Parkinson’s post was prompted by a video of a man reviewing a pie.
“This guy’s taking a big munch. Hearty bites. And then he just starts talking about the pie – there are bits flying out of his mouth. It’s disgusting. His mouth is slapping…”
Parkinson suspects he’s “one of the subset of humans who just can’t stand the sound of mouths slapping”.
Add visuals, and “Bro, stop that. You are not a dog and that is not a dog bowl”.
The chef says good table manners were paramount to his childhood. He learned from his grandmothers, mother and four sisters.
“My oldest sister…I got into trouble with her once because I was eating an apple. My mouth was closed but it was crunching. There were sound effects…”
He was 8 years old. He never forgot. At his restaurant Aryeh, he avoids watching diners eat.
“I love feeding people, but the watching part… I will look at the pass, talk to a waitress, do some orders, hyper fixate on the plating…”
Aryeh restaurant’s Lucas Parkinson wants you to swallow his food before you start talking about it. Photo / Babiche Martens
Parkinson encourages food prep that minimises the risk of ill-mannered visuals.
“If the carrot is cut too big, the diner won’t cut it down. They’ll just try to shove it in their mouth. I’m like ‘look guys, when you break down the potatoes, break them down so they’ll fit in a small woman’s mouth. Your chef does not want to see that mouth open. And that woman will shove half a potato in there.‘”
Parkinson is correct. I am not a small woman, but I do love potatoes and I am definitely guilty of opening my mouth before I have finished my mouthful.
It’s wrong and it is rude. But it is also, I venture, absolutely necessary.
Attention spans are shrinking and conversations move apace. A diner must speak now or forever be overlooked. The smart operator does not slow down to swallow steak. In a dog eat pie world, table manners are for people who are content to subsist on the crumbs.
Kim Knight joined the New Zealand Herald in 2016. She works as a senior journalist on its lifestyle desk and holds a master’s in gastronomy.