“I looked like I was living this amazing life. But inside, I was dealing with constant nausea and flashbacks. It was always there, sitting at the back of my mind.”
With police concerned her attacker might try to find her before the trial, they advised her to stay out of the country and return only once a court date was set.
Heartbreakingly, the defendant repeatedly delayed proceedings and, after failing to attend his fourth scheduled court appearance, became a fugitive.
“I felt like I was constantly looking over my shoulder,” she recalls. “It was terrifying.”
Thankfully, Zoë remained persistent and last year he was finally convicted. Reading her victim impact statement in court, she detailed the toll the experience has taken.
“I almost didn’t survive,” she shared. “There were many times I didn’t want to be here. It took me to the brink.”
Even now, the effect is ongoing – she experiences PTSD and periods of intense exhaustion triggered by situations that take her back to that night. Simple things, like going into the city where it happened, can leave her depleted.
“I’ll come home and feel like I’ve run a marathon. I’m on the couch for the rest of the day.”
Zoë was sexually assaulted by a stranger at 22. Photo / Carmen Bird
She’s frank about how her body has carried the trauma in unexpected ways.
“I’ve had health issues out of nowhere, including inflammation, gut problems, allergies, even anaphylaxis.”
Her severe PTSD was exacerbated by the court process. Given she was advised not to revisit her memories before the trial, Zoë says she could only work through the trauma of it all once the court case was over.
That’s meant returning to the one thing that’s brought her comfort and healing – making music.
“What I’ve noticed about trauma is it gets stuck in your nervous system,” Zoë explains. “When I play and sing, I can feel it moving through my body in a safe way. It brings me to tears sometimes, but afterwards, everything in my brain feels settled.
“I sleep better and I don’t have as many nightmares. My therapist notices I’m way more grounded when I’m making music.”
The result of her healing is a five-track EP that traces different stages of her journey. Song 12 Feet Under, written after the guilty verdict, is about how Zoë won the trial, but her life was still a mess, while Dizzying explores the pressure she placed on herself to appear “normal”.
Zoë recording Live Harder. Photo / Woman’s Day
But it’s the EP’s title track that’s her reclamation song. She explains, “I’ve been through hell and back, and I’m not letting that be for nothing. I’m going to live harder in spite of it and absolutely thrive!”
For her album art and our Woman’s Day photoshoot, Zoë wears the same suit she wore to court as a way to restore her identity.
“It felt like trauma armour at the time, but now I get to wear it outside the courtroom,” she explains. “I wear it while sharing my story – while he’s locked away in prison.”
Until recently, Zoë worked as an ED nurse, a job she started during Covid at Middlemore Hospital.
“They say if you can work at Middlemore, you can work anywhere in the world,” she smiles. “I love that with nursing, you often get the opportunity to help people on the worst day of their life. The best days are when I’ve had a deep connection with a patient.”
Creating that bond is also her driving force for sharing music. She knows her “sad songs” aren’t for everyone but hopes they’ll resonate with the people who need them.
Zoë asserts, “I don’t need a sold-out tour. I used to google songs to find those that spoke to what I was going through just to feel understood. If my music helps one person feel less alone, that’s worth it.”
To listen to Zoë’s EP, go to zoeveramusic.com. If you or someone you know has experienced sexual assault, call 0800 044 334, text 4334 or visit safetotalk.nz.