Your husband’s stance also reflects a common marital belief: parents should always present a united front. That works well with young children, who might otherwise play parents against each other. But with adult children – especially ones willing to cut off contact – a united front often backfires. What feels like principled resistance to him may strike your daughter as a refusal to accept what she sees as reasonable limits and boundaries.
Generational differences in parenting
The truth is that every generation raises children differently. Grandparents often think their children’s rules are too rigid, and adult children often feel disrespected when their rules aren’t followed.
What’s new is the degree to which today’s adult children feel empowered to enforce their boundaries, even to the point of estrangement. That may feel extreme, but in today’s family culture one fact remains: they are her children, and she and her husband make the rules. Those rules are unlikely to change, and challenging them has already proved costly.
The marital stalemate
You’re also caught between two powerful loyalties: your grandchildren and daughter on one side, and your husband on the other.
Your daughter has shown she’s willing to cut contact if her rules aren’t respected. Your husband insists that apologising means surrendering. He also feels left behind because you reestablished the relationship – and resentful that you “chose her side”.
He’s carrying two kinds of pain: the hurt of feeling wrongly accused by your daughter and the hurt of feeling abandoned by you. From his perspective, you betrayed him; from yours, you saved the relationship for him and you. Both views make sense depending on where you stand – but only one keeps the door open to your daughter and grandchildren.
Reframing an apology
At present, your husband sees an apology as admitting fault. But in family estrangements, apologies are not about straightforward guilt or innocence. They’re about repair. An apology signals: I value this relationship enough to take responsibility for my part in the rupture.
You might tell him: “I understand why you feel like you would be caving to her demands, but this isn’t about who’s right. It’s about what works. My apology opened the door. Refusing keeps it shut. Let’s work on this together.”
An apology can also be reframed as an act of strength. It takes courage to admit that you have hurt someone, even unintentionally. It takes maturity to put a relationship above pride. Humility is not humiliation. What feels like “losing” to him is the only path to regaining his daughter and grandchildren.
Practical steps forward
– Acknowledge his hurt. Let him know that you understand how wronged he feels and that he loves his daughter and grandchildren.
– Clarify your intentions. Emphasise that your apology wasn’t about choosing sides – it was about keeping the family connection alive.
– Offer partnership. Suggest helping him draft a letter of amends where he acknowledges that he did cross her boundaries with her children and promises to not do that in the future. Even better would be for him to say that he can see how she and her husband felt disrespected and he’s sorry.
– Set boundaries in your marriage. Make clear that while you respect his feelings and are willing to help, you won’t allow his refusal to cost you the relationship with your daughter. You’re allowed to make different choices about how to respond to her.
– Consider couples therapy. Divisions like this can erode a marriage if left unresolved.
In today’s families, the power lies not in asserting authority, but in opening the door with love and compassion. Pride may protect our egos, but only humility protects our relationships.
Joshua Coleman, PhD, is a clinical psychologist in California and a senior fellow with the Council on Contemporary Families. His newest book is ‘Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict’. His Substack is Family Troubles.