Readers Respond

The previous question was from a reader who wondered whether he should tell his religious parents that he had lost his faith. He wrote:

I’m in my late 30s and grew up in Pakistan in a devout Muslim family. My parents and sisters still organize their lives around faith. … I left home at 17 for university and have lived independently ever since. I later moved to Europe and married a Christian woman, and I now have a 3-year-old daughter. Over the past 20 years, I have stopped practicing and no longer believe as my parents do. When they ask whether I pray or fast, I usually say yes, though it is untrue. … Recently, my mother sent me a long voice message saying she believes I no longer pray, and that this hurts and disappoints both her and my father. She also implied that my wife may have led me away from Islam, though my beliefs changed long before I met her. … What do I owe my parents ethically? Is protecting their peace of mind reason enough to keep lying, or do I have a responsibility to be honest about who I am, even if it hurts them? — Name Withheld

In his response, the Ethicist noted:

There’s a meaningful distinction between deception and withholding, between actively misrepresenting yourself and simply not volunteering certain details. … You might be tempted to lie about your faith — pretending that you’re fasting on Ramadan, going to mosque and so on. That’s a temptation to resist. … But I’d also resist the temptation to blow things up in the name of transparency. A middle way may be best, if it proves possible. That entails avoiding discussion of religion as much as you can, and not flaunting your skepticism. (Emotional openness isn’t everything.) Anxiety about your commitment to Islam may well cause your parents less suffering than the certainty that you are on the road to eternal punishment. The bonds you have with them may never be the ones either of you imagined. They’re partial and imperfect in all sorts of ways. That doesn’t mean they aren’t worth tending to.

(Reread the full question and answer here.)

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The Ethicist’s response was excellent, as far as it went. But he left out one thing: what to say when the parents bring up religion. I suggest saying, “I know you are concerned, but I don’t want to talk about religion.” And then change the subject. If they persist, repeat the same sentence. Do not explain or justify. As the Ethicist said, you are a grown man with a life of your own. You are not responsible for taking away their distress. — Barbra

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As someone who has, in the name of transparency and openness, dropped such an honesty bomb on my family, I can’t say that I recommend it. About 20 years later, I am still reconciling with the ways that my openness traumatized my religious family. At the time, I could see no other way. My family’s shock sent me into a kind of trauma and overcorrection — I became an atheist-leaning agnostic, moved to Polynesia and built a career in evolutionary biology. (I was raised to not believe in evolution.) I don’t know if another path would have led to more closeness, I only know that the one I took did not. In hindsight, I might have been open with my family about my doubts as they were accumulating, rather than waiting for the point of no return. — Jill

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I agree with the response, but I would add to it: The son should make clear to his parents that his doubts preceded his meeting his wife, and she is not responsible for them. Letting them blame her is both unfair and unhelpful moving forward, especially as their daughter gets older and the daughter’s own faith, or lack of it, becomes an issue. — Naomi