Shalabh and Zarna Garg early in their relationship. Photo / Zarna Garg via The Washington Post
They say their marriage is healthy due in part to two things: humour and a shared purpose.
They both had the same goals of financial security, building a family and creating a sense of belonging. Starting with a plan from the beginning was clarifying for the young couple.
“We were both poor immigrant kids,” Zarna said. “We wanted to make a life.”
The Washington Post interviewed couples who have been married for decades, and we asked them, apart from love, what ingredients make a marriage last. Here’s some of their best advice about that, and how they work through conflicts.
Learn to argue
Julie Schwartz Gottman and John Gottman, who have been married for 39 years, work together as counsellors and researchers studying what makes a good marriage. They co-founded the Gottman Institute and have become known for watching couples argue, often accurately predicting whether they will get divorced. The ones who are headed for divorce attack each other rather than the problem they are trying to work through.
Julie Schwartz Gottman and John Gottman, who have been married for 39 years, work together as counsellors and researchers studying what makes a good marriage.
Schwartz Gottman said a lot of traditional marriage advice isn’t backed by research, including the classic, “Don’t go to bed angry.”
“Folks can go to bed angry. … It’s not the end of the world. It’s an emotion. It’s hardwired in,” she said.
Sometimes it can even be helpful to take a break during an argument, especially if you are getting worked up. In fight-or-flight mode, it’s difficult to listen thoughtfully and solve a problem.
Don’t just walk out in a huff. Schwartz Gottman offered two pieces of guidance when pausing an argument: agree with your partner on a time to revisit the conversation, and don’t stew about the fight. Try to distract yourself and think about something else.
“We found that 69% of problems that couples have between them are perpetual. They never go away,” Schwartz Gottman said. “You’re always going to have some kind of conflict.”
Often these disagreements are differences in personality or how you were raised. But they don’t have to spell disaster – as long as couples can come to terms with their differences. And avoid what the Gottmans call the four horsemen of the apocalypse: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. If you are stuck in that cycle and unhappy, it’s important to seek help, they said.
The Gottmans said even they slip up sometimes in their own marriage and find themselves being defensive or critical. When that happens, Schwartz Gottman said, they will gently call each other out or catch themselves and apologise.
“We make a repair, just like everybody else,” Schwartz Gottman said. “We’re in the same soup.”
Say thank you. For everything
Pam and Bob Nolan met in a bar nearly 50 years ago when they were both in their early 20s. They have now been married for 47 years.
At first she thought he wasn’t her type. She had always dated tall guys, and he was on the shorter side. She had dated older guys, and he was younger than her. And yet, she said, she had this feeling that this would be an important person in her life.
Pam and Bob Nolan on their wedding day, October 7, 1978. Photo / Pam Nolan via The Washington Post
“I had this little zing,” Pam said. They got engaged two months later.
“My biggest advice is to let your partner know that you appreciate everything that they do,” Pam said. “We thank each other for everything.”
No act of service is too small to notice in the Nolans’ marriage. Bob lets out the dog? Pam says, “Thank you for letting the dog out.” Pam unloads the dishwasher? Bob says, “Thank you for unloading the dishwasher.”
The benefits of gratitude are well-documented, both for relationships and individual mental health. And research shows we often underestimate how much our thanks will be appreciated.
“I think it’s really important‚” Pam said. “I’ve written it in wedding cards.”
Believe your relationship will last
The Gargs sometimes have had conflict about how to raise their children, handle their businesses or other matters. In fact, if you watch their family podcast or Zarna’s stand-up, you’ll learn they often disagree vehemently (and hilariously – a lot of her comedy is about their marriage).
But they always try to be respectful to each other and both say that they believe they are where they’re supposed to be. That’s what carries them through the challenges.
Zarna Garg’s bridal portrait. Photo / Zarna Garg via The Washington Post
“We have a good thing going, but it’s a work in progress,” Zarna said. “I think it’s a decision that you make every day; that you’re better off as a unit than you would be alone.”
Several years ago, Zarna and Shalabh started taking daily walks together, and they were surprised by how much it helped them connect.
“It’s impossible not to feel gratitude when you’re moving,” Zarna said.
She also said it helps that they have always been committed to the idea of their marriage.
“Believing you’re going to make it is going to help you make it,” Zarna said.