After injury and Korihi’s birth, Shiray admits she has some unfinished business with rugby and is planning her comeback.
As part of the Herald series “How we make it work”, the Bay of Plenty couple explain the method of the madness.
Shiray and Gillies navigated a long-distance relationship while he was playing rugby overseas. Photo / Facebook
Shiray Kaka (Ngāti Maniapoto), 31, rugby player
Things with us started after seeing each other at tournaments – those quick little windows of time between training and matches. My first impression of him was that he was older than me, but cute.
He messaged one of my mates asking about me first, but I’m the one who ended up asking the age-old question, “What are we?”
Now we’re married. We ended up having two weddings. The first was in Vegas, with Elvis Presley walking me down the aisle and three strangers we’d met the night before watching us say our vows.
The second was the complete opposite: a beautiful, chaotic, joy-filled day in front of my whole family in a small country town called Marokopa. Both felt very us – fun, a bit random, but full of love.
Rugby has always shaped how we make things work, and long distance was one of our biggest challenges. During Covid, he was living in Japan and we went months without seeing each other. It was a lot: lots of video calls, lots of tears and a lot of trying to keep busy.
Then came trying to figure out when to have kids, while we were both still chasing our sporting goals. We always knew we wanted them; it was just the timing, and then actually getting pregnant, which was tougher than we expected.
Shiray Kaka was part of the gold medal-winning Black Ferns Sevens in 2021. Photo / Photosport
Now we’ve got our 9-month-old son, and life looks a little different. At the moment, because he isn’t sleeping very well, most days feel like we are just trying to get our lives together.
Between training, playing with our boy, studying [Samoan] and cleaning, we somehow get through the day. We’re lucky, though, as we’ve both taken time off, so we get to do this together.
Most of our energy is spent on him, but we still try to find small moments for us, like going to the gym together or playing fun games while he naps.
With practical relationship stuff, we approach things differently, especially arguments. Gillies likes to go off, cool down, and then come back to talk. I’m more the type to run it straight like a bull and sort it immediately. So we meet somewhere in the middle. These days we ask ourselves, “Is this actually an issue, or are we just sleep-deprived?” and honestly, that question solves a lot.
At home, it’s not perfectly balanced, but it works. He does most of the chores (apart from vacuuming – that’s mine), and I take on more of the things around our son, like making his kai and cleaning up after him. It probably sits at about a 60/40 split, but Gillies didn’t get the clean-freak gene like his siblings.
He’s the only person in the world who knows how to wind me up, but he’s kind, sometimes funny, an amazing dad, and not afraid to do things differently.
I’m excited for what’s next with him: building our dream home, travelling as a family, and just making more memories together.
Shiray and Gillies have a new show coming out on Whakaata Māori and & MĀORI+.
Gillies Kaka (Ngāti Kahungunu, Te Arawa), 36, ex-rugby player, teacher aide and stay-at-home dad
I still remember my first thought when I met Shiray: ”Wow. Why does someone that beautiful play rugby – she should be a model.” Somehow, that same woman ended up being my person.
It kicked off when she messaged me on Instagram, and about a month later she was moving to Hawke’s Bay to live with me. Things moved pretty quickly, but it was right for us.
In 2018, we got married, and it rained on the day, but apparently that’s good luck.
Rugby schedules haven’t always made things easy. I spent a couple of years playing in Japan, and long-distance was tough. We got through it with video calls and trips back and forth whenever our schedules allowed.
These days, life looks pretty different. I was an ex-rugby player and teacher aide, but right now I’ve been promoted to fulltime stay-at-home dad.
If our son doesn’t sleep well, we don’t sleep well, so most days we’re just plodding around like zombies trying to get things done, but we wouldn’t change it.
We try to find time for each other where we can. Lately, it’s been playing games together – cards or something on TV – just simple, fun things while our son is asleep that remind us we actually like hanging out together.
When it comes to arguments, I keep it pretty simple: I just apologise. Happy wife, happy life. Same goes for chores: I just do what I’m told and everyone’s happy.
Life with Shiray is anything but boring. She brings great energy to everything, even though she has a habit of leaving her dirty dishes around for me to clean up.
Having our son was the next step for us, and we are lucky enough to be spending lots of time with him and seeing what kind of parents we become is an interesting and exciting chapter in our lives.
Shiray & Gillies: Full Noise starts at 7pm, June 9, on Whakaata Māori & MĀORI+.