This is how often 25 Aucklanders have sex and whether that number is enough for them, in their own words.
(If you’re curious about the amount for readers, keep scrolling to the bottom for a poll).
Woman, aged 59
My husband and I have been married for 20 years. We have sex probably once a month. I’ve never been happier. I absolutely do not wish I were having more sex. Our relationship has just moved from a sexual relationship into a much deeper, meaningful, enriched, beautiful friendship – yes, with some sexual activity, but it’s not as important anymore.
Relationships change as you get older. They grow. They deepen. I’m much happier to hang out and do wonderful things together and be with someone who completely loves you, and you like them. For me, that’s more important. Yes, sex is great when you’re young and hot and everything, but as you get older, it’s actually more important personally to get a good night’s sleep and to be tucked up next to someone you love.
Man, aged 25
I’ve been with my partner for three or four years. We don’t have sex often. Maybe once a month. I’m happy with that; my partner and I are all good. I’m stuck in my trade job all day, and we’ve got two girls. We think we’ll wait for the girls to grow and then we can relax a bit.
Man, aged 44
I’ve been single for about a year. I’m not really having sex. Of course, sex would be good. I’m still young and healthy, but I’m not really looking for quick hook-ups or anything like that. If spontaneous sex happens, it happens. In my previous relationship … we probably had sex three or four times a week. It was good.
Non-binary, aged 23
I’ve been with my partner for three years. Sex varies; it depends on our energy levels. On average, it’s probably once every second week. I’m okay with that. It was more in the beginning, and I think most relationships are like that. When I was younger, I had a lot more drive for sex. Now, as I’ve got older, there’s less novelty to it. My partner and I do talk about our needs fairly often. We’re pretty clear when we’re both keen or not keen, and what kind of vibe we’re in.
Woman, aged 18
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 10 months. We don’t have sex. We’re virgins. We both decided to wait until marriage. We’re Christian. I don’t really know what to expect when it comes to sex. I guess whatever comes, comes.
Man, aged 70
I’ve been married for 32 years. We have sex around once every two or three weeks. It definitely has changed over time. When we were first in a relationship, we had sex several times a week and then over the years, with children and so forth, it’s dropped down. Where we are at now is okay. I’m comfortable with how often we have sex. I think my wife is too. It just changes as you get older. But I think it’s important to still have it than not have it if you’re married or in a relationship.
Woman, aged 29
I was with my husband for two and a half years and we separated nine months ago. I’m not dating or having sex right now. I want to do it with the right partner. Sex was really bad in my previous relationship. It was one of the reasons for the break-up. We had it once every two or three months. I didn’t like that. We did talk about it, and then I figured out he was cheating on me.
Man, aged 50
I’ve been married for 18 years. We have sex once or twice a week. I think the frequency ebbs and flows. We always try to make time to connect. Life gets in the way, so we talk about it, and we make more of a conscious effort – as much as we can, anyway.
For me, it isn’t about how often sex happens or the need for it. I think it’s more the intimacy or the connection that you have as part of it. It’s about spending quality time and being connected with your life partner. Because while it might be a number that’s more suitable for me, for him it could be less or more. Communication about it is more important.
Woman, aged 25
I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a few months. Now we don’t have sex a lot, which is kind of sad. We used to live together, but now we don’t. So now it’s around three times a week. It used to be every day or five times a week. I think every day is a bit much if you’re living with someone, but also, I don’t think there’s any right amount of sex that you should be having. Maybe you’re in a really good mood, and you want that. Maybe you’re tired and stressed with uni, and you don’t. Sometimes I don’t want to have sex at all, and sometimes I want to have sex every single day.
With my current boyfriend, sex does feel mutual. I’ve been in relationships before where I felt like there was an expectation to have sex every single time I saw them. When I was younger, I did feel like, “Oh, maybe I don’t really want to have sex, but I don’t want to hurt his feelings.” For me now, I really want to be having sex from a place of: I really want to be having sex with you, and I’m choosing to have sex with you right now in this moment.
Man, aged 34
I’ve been with my girlfriend for almost a year. She lives a bit far away, so we usually see each other on the weekends. And we have sex around four or five times each time we meet. I’m pretty happy with that. I think how often you have sex depends on the person. I mean, I like sex, so when my girlfriend and I see each other, we have it as many times as we can.
Woman, aged 48
I’ve been married for 23 years. We usually have sex a couple of times a month, but it’s been pretty infrequent the last six months or so. I’ve had a hysterectomy recently, so due to that and a whole lot of health issues, it’s put things on the back burner. I’m still in the healing stage. They say to not have sex for at least 12 weeks after the operation.
My husband’s been really understanding … but I think we would both like to have everything settled down so we can resume having sex. I’ve been noticing changes with hormones at this age, mostly due to irregular cycles. But my sex drive has stayed exactly the same.
Having sex once a week would be great. After so many years of marriage, you go through peaks and troughs, but I think he would be quite happy to do it more often. We’re pretty good at communication, but we definitely could talk about it more.
Woman, aged 34
I’ve been married for three years. I’m heavily pregnant with my first baby, so at the moment we’re not having sex. Before the pregnancy, we were having sex once or twice a fortnight. It’s always been like that, and I’m happy. Sex is something my husband and I openly discuss – it’s no issue.
Man, aged 21
My girlfriend lives in Wellington. She’s 20. We’ve been together for about a year. I’ve never had sex. I don’t know if I want to have sex. It’s not something I ever think about. My girlfriend is also a virgin, and she’s never brought it up with me either.
Man, aged 34
I’ve been with my partner for nine years. We have sex two or three times every other week. It’s definitely slowed down a little bit, but we’re still very comfortable with each other regardless. In the beginning, it was a lot more, for sure. And now, I still love him to absolute pieces. The hugs are still the same. The feeling and the cuddling up are still the same. And when we do have sex, it’s still the most amazing feeling.
I think sex becomes more of an emotional thing. If you abuse it, you start to lose that kind of affection and fun for it, and then it starts to feel a bit forced. It has to come from a place of genuine connection.
Woman, aged 20
My partner and I have been together for three years. In the beginning of our relationship, we used to have sex quite a lot. Every time we saw each other. And we saw each other around five times a week. But now we’re quite busy, so we do it two to four times a fortnight. I’m okay with how often we have sex because it’s not a priority right now. And our drives aren’t as high as other people’s. We’ve never spoken about any details of our sex because it feels natural.
Man, aged 75
I’ve been married for 38 years. We don’t have sex very often. Less than once a month. But frequency is not really one of those things I set parameters for.
Menopause was the beginning of the issue. My wife and I don’t talk about our sex life, and therein lies the issue. You’ll understand it when you’ve been with one person for 44 years. Familiarity breeds contempt. I have friends my age who are in a very similar situation. Nobody feels bad or good about it. It’s just the way it is.
I still have the desire to have sex. It doesn’t go away. I look back on the last 20 years and I see where the changes occurred. There’s nothing you could have done to prevent them from occurring. It’s just the natural progression of life.
I guess when you’re younger, it just is so much easier. And as you get older, it’s not as easy and other things take priority, like looking after your health.
I think I’m married to my best friend. People can love in lots of different ways.
Woman, aged 23
I’ve never had an official boyfriend, but I have had sex. I’m living with my parents at the moment, so it’s hard to have sex right now. But last year I wasn’t living with them, and I was having sex monthly, at least. I had sex with around five different people that year. I did use Tinder once, and I hated it. I’m not horny or outgoing enough to put myself online like that. I basically just met people at the nightclub I worked at.
I have a really low libido because I’ve been on a lot of medication. If sex comes to me, awesome, but I don’t actively go out looking for it. I won’t be the first one to make the move. I’ve just gone back to studying this year, and I’m locked in.
Man, aged 75
I’ve been married for 53 years. We have sex almost every week. At the beginning of our relationship, it was full on. Sex is more spontaneous when you’re younger. It was maybe three or four times back then. And as you get older, you’re so busy with work and stuff like that, and you’re tired coming home, and the wife is tired. And sex is not a thing to demand. It’s just how you both feel.
I’m happy with our sex life. It’s not always about me as a man. You have to look at the woman as well; how she feels, how her body reacts. Sometimes men get mad when they don’t get sex, but there are a lot of other ways to get affection, like by holding, cuddling, and stuff like that.
Woman, aged 46
I’ve been married for 15 years. We hardly ever have sex. Maybe once a month, if that. We have a 6-year-old who sleeps in bed with me, so that’s one of the big hindrances, and I’m going through perimenopause. My hormones are all over the place. I’ve just had uterine surgery. I’ve been on [prescription hormone] patches, and now I’m on the gel. I don’t really have much of a sex drive at all at the moment, so I’d be happy with not having sex at all right now.
My husband and I do talk about our sex life a little bit. I feel like he doesn’t really understand; he’s from an older generation, and the way he was raised is probably a little bit different. He’s 53. He’s not as empathetic as I’d like him to be. I think he probably feels a little bit rejected, but then at the same time we’re so busy with work and everything and with my daughter sleeping in my bed.
Man, aged 20
I’ve been single for the past two years. How often I have sex depends, but around every week or two. When I do have sex, it’s mostly with the same person, but not always. I meet people by going out to town or pubs. But mostly the people I have sex with are friends of friends – they’re in my course or in my clubs and associations in university. Things happen after a night out together.
In my last relationship, we had sex every two days, and we were together for three years. The first year, it was crazy how often we had sex.
I don’t really have the time to be having more sex than I am, to be honest. I’m happy where things are for me. I have time to focus on other things in my life. I have priorities, and sex is not at the top.
Man, aged 71
I’m single. I’m gay. I’ve never married. My last relationship was around 12 years ago. Because of the way things are with gay culture for older people, I’ve come to terms with the fact that sex is not necessarily important anymore.
The gay scene today is very much geared towards young people and is something much more superficial, compared to what I was doing, fighting for gay rights, back in the 70s, 80s and 90s. It seems like people my age are seen as dinosaurs.
I don’t find value in casual hook-ups anymore. I want something more. In this period of my life, I’m really content to be with friends and to have more platonic relationships because I think there’s a lot more value in them now, having been through everything that I’ve done in the past, and I’m content with that.
I had a great time in my younger days. It was a very different world then – we had to fight a lot. I lost a lot of friends in the Aids epidemic, including a best friend, and I’ve also been very lucky. I’ve survived a lot of things too. So, sex just doesn’t become as important for me now.
The other thing is that Auckland’s a small city. It has a culture based on a small city. So I adapt to that as well.
Woman, aged 35
I’ve been with my boyfriend for one and a half years. We have sex once a week. It changed after we started living together three months ago. I work, cook and clean. By night time, I’m tired. He works as well, and comes home late.
When we were not living together, I felt like I wanted to have sex with him more, because we barely saw each other. Now, we see each other every day. He’s the first partner I’ve lived with after a long time. I think having sex three to four times a week is ideal.
Man, aged 63
I’ve been single for 12 months and am not currently having sex. I’m not looking for casual hook-ups either; I’ve just done 40 years of monogamy. But I had to do some personal growth and learn how to function outside of a relationship. I was married for 27 years, and then in another relationship for 13 years. In my last relationship, when we were feeling close, it was around a couple of times a week and when we were feeling not as close, maybe once a fortnight or a bit less. Then sometimes we had those difficult patches where we weren’t having much sex it all.
Woman, aged 34
I’ve been single for six years and haven’t had sex in that time. The last time was right after I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. In my previous relationship, we were having sex around three times a week. I wouldn’t have minded if it were less. It’s more about the emotional intimacy during intercourse. As long as that’s there, even if it’s once every so often, that’s more important to me than how often I have sex in a relationship.
I am deeply content and fulfilled, so I’m not looking to have sex right now. If I were in a relationship, then sure, but for me, sex is the physical manifestation of an emotional connection, and since I am not in a relationship, it’s almost as if that carnal part of me is non-existent. I am capable of taking care of my own needs without the assistance of anyone else.
Woman, aged 21
I’ve been with my boyfriend for about a year and a bit. We have sex about four times a week. I’m pretty happy about that. Honestly, it’s been pretty consistent throughout our relationship. We don’t really talk about frequency with each other because it just always feels comfortable anyway.
Read more: How much Aucklanders really earn, in their own words
Varsha Anjali is a journalist in the lifestyle team at the Herald. She is based in Auckland.