Rhaenyra has a tough first week on the job.
Photo: Ollie Upton/HBO
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The House of the Dragon Scorecard is an accounting of the events of this week’s episode, in which points are awarded to characters on a scale of 0 to 10. Points will be awarded for any or no reason
So far, the third season has been all swords and dragons. There have been naval battles and beheadings and aerial battles and, well, more beheadings. It was all in service of getting Rhaenyra on the Iron Throne, the culmination of the plan she and Alicent hatched at the end of season two. Very little worked out smoothly, as per usual on this show, but there she is, sitting on the throne, planning coronations and doing queen things, with the violence of revolution in her rearview.
But, as exciting as swords and dragons are, that’s not really what his show is about. This show is about scheming, the weight of the crown, and incompetent brats who want to scheme to get their hands on the crown. That’s where we are now. The time for stabbing is winding down, and the time for backstabbing is upon us. It’s the politicians’ time to shine. Larys would be thrilled if he weren’t off traipsing through the woods with an exiled king who just got declared dead.
The focus was tightened a bit this week, too. We stayed with Rhaenyra, mostly, as she dealt with the annoyances of leadership. It was a little refreshing after two episodes that bounced throughout the realm to check in on every character you barely remembered from last season. Sylvi is back, too. And we have a fake prince flimflam. No complaints from me there, either. To the points.
Responsibility is a tricky thing. You think you want it. You see other people messing things up, and you think, “I bet I could do that better.” You start getting ideas. It looks great, this plan you’ve concocted in your head. Everything will go smoothly because you’re smart and kind and fair, and everyone will see that and praise you for how great you’re doing.
But then you get that responsibility you’re looking for, and… there’s just so much other stuff you didn’t think about. Everyone wants something. Your trusted advisors are snapping at each other in the strategy meetings. Someone stole the gold. The rats ate the candles. Your husband got duped into taking a fake prince hostage, and now it’s a whole thing. You can wear jewelry because it’ll send the wrong message. You can’t carry a sword because it’ll send the wrong message. You’re seeing visions of your dead son as you shuffle through the hallways of your castle. You know, managerial stuff.
That’s how you end up wandering around a castle in your nightgown with one of the realm’s last candles in your hand and saying things like, “The air is thick with ghosts” and, “I am awash in dilemmas and deficiencies” in between getting yelled at by a sea captain about your dead bastard son.
Tough first week on the job.
While most of Alicent’s situation right now is not something any rational scorekeeper would consider a positive (held captive with the daughter she was promised she could flee with, won’t be released until one or both of her sons are murdered, just saw her dad’s disembodied head on the ground, etc.), consider two important factors:
There really are few better feelings in the world than seeing something that used to be your responsibility (rats in the castle, everyone wanting something from you, making unpopular but necessary decisions bound to leave many people furious at you), realizing it isn’t anymore, and announcing “not my problem” to whoever’s problem it is now, especially if that person is also the one who just chopped your dad’s head off.
I never once claimed to be rational.
See, this is the problem with Daemon. He’s fine when there’s action, when there are battles to fight and guards to gut with a sword. But once things quiet down, then he starts thinking. And talking. And saying things like “let the people starve” and “incinerate everyone” and slipping into Valyrian to make the case for global dragon-based domination with the end goal of becoming gods.
I choose to believe this is why Rhaenyra sent him to search for the missing gold. He’s like a kid on summer break who might set the shed on fire if you leave him to his own devices. Give him some chores to do, for everyone’s sake.
There’s not really a good case for giving Helaena points at all this week, let alone nine of them, considering she’s being held hostage in a castle and not really doing a lot other than pointing out that it’s not fair.
But I like Helaena. She doesn’t want any of this. She just wants to raise chickens and maybe pet some sheep. I want that for her. I can’t give it to her, unfortunately, at least not until I develop the ability to alter the plot of television shows telepathically. What I can do is give her points.
I like that Mysaria has a mission now. She’s a good advisor, sure, and Rhaenyra stuck up for her when Daemon dropped that little “no one cares what you think” like a jealous older brother, which was nice. But I really am excited about watching extended chunks of episodes where she’s running around rooting out Hightower loyalists. Hell, make it the whole show, for all I care. Make it a spinoff. Have her work hand-in-hand with the guards, give her fun outfits, and let her do one quirky investigation every week. I realize, as I’m typing this, that I’m basically just pitching Elsbeth but with Mysaria.
Mysaria, coming to CBS this fall.
I’m giving Corlys four points because he’s accepted Alyn and Addam, which is nice. I’m not giving him any more than that because, like, give it a minute, guy. Sheesh. Rhaenyra has been Queen for 15 minutes, and he’s already making requests to legitimize his secret kids and bellowing things like “YOUR DEAD SON WITH THE FLOWING HAIR WAS A BASTARD ANYWAY” when he doesn’t get his way immediately.
I might be editorializing on his quote a little. It’s close enough. Corlys is playing with fire here, either way. Literally, too, given the dragon of it all.
Corlys wants to name Alyn his heir. That’s sweet. It might tear apart the whole damn government, but it’s sweet.
The temptation here is to give Addam fewer points than I gave Alyn. He was passed over as heir and kind of made a little face about it at the dinner table. He didn’t get legitimized and found out during the damn knighting ceremony, which had to be a really weird combination of emotions to feel in a moment he couldn’t outwardly display them.
But I’m inflating his score a bit here because he has a dragon, and Alyn doesn’t. Like, if things go sideways for Alyn now that Corlys is shouting in the castle, he’s kind of tied to it all on account of being the land-based heir. Addam still has the option of saying “Eh, eff it” and taking his dragon and flying off to whatever their equivalent of Aruba is. I won’t account for it every week, but sometimes, I reserve the right to add three points for dragon-based flexibility.
Every fiber of my being tells me I should hate this guy, and yet…
I really do enjoy that he saw Daemon and that self-satisfied smirk coming so far in advance that he set up a whole Fake Daeron ruse and play-acted a surrender as it all went according to his plan. In this scorecard, we respect both a well-executed ruse and knocking the smirk off of an entitled sucker’s face. There will be plenty of time to hate him later.
Probably not the most important issue here, but… I have a few questions.
How did they give this kid that salon-level blond look out in a battlefield on short notice?
What did they dye it with?
Who did they get to dye it?
How long did it take?
Why aren’t there dozens of people running around with fake blonde hair pretending to be Targaryens?
Is there some kind of local hairdresser in town who does these things?
Would you watch an entire episode set in a salon where the customers gossip ruthlessly about the various scandals the royals are involved in? (I would.)
We see where this is going, yes? The whole thing with Baela and Moondancer being the primary bounty hunters for Sheeperstealer and “his rider,” who we know to be Baela’s sister Rhaena? I see two possibilities right now, both of which will break my damn heart…
Baela discovers Rhaena and Sheepstealer herself, and has to decide in that moment if she’s going to turn in her own sister, which may lead to an aerial battle involving a disobedient dragon who has already attacked a fellow Targaryen against its rider’s wishes.
Addam, also now dispatched as a bounty hunter, discovers Rhaena and Sheepstealer, and Baela needs to make the same decision as the first scenario, but now it might involve killing Addam to save her sister.
Baela is not going to have a lot of fun, is my point.
But Brian, Criston wasn’t even in this episode. Do we really need to include an entry that gives him zero points? Doesn’t that seem like a waste of time and effort?
Leave me alone. I’m having fun.
Legit lol at Ulf asking if he could take the Targaryen name. What a goofball. The countdown until he does something stupid continues apace…
Tick-boom… tick-boom… tick-boom…
It’s thrilling, right?
Hugh wants a house. And his wife back. And he’s getting a little snappy about it right in the Queen’s face. I… do we… do we need to start the clock on Hugh, too? He’s not as much of a wild card as Ulf (who is?), but desperate men can sometimes do desperate things. That can be a problem when they also have a dragon…
Tick-boom… tick-boom…
Slyvi, the brothel owner in town who was also Aemond’s therapist for a while, showed up to get loud at Rhaenyra about the rich people hoarding the food, and her speech resulted in direct action in the form of a banquet food heist trickeroo. I shouted “SYLVI” when I saw her pop up on the screen. Really strong performance from both of us this week.
Underrated funny part of this episode was when Daemon made a vague reference to Alys the Witch and said she was kind of like a maester, and Orwyle got a little huffy, like “Well, I’ve never heard of her.” I love a little sorcerer drama.
I know I just said earlier that I like seeing smug smirks wiped off of spoiled aristocrats’ faces, but I appreciate something about this guy, even if I’m sure he’s going to become a problem in the near future. Right in that moment, just after the banquet where Rhaenyra raided her guests’ homes to win over the populace, he still has a little twinkle in his eye that lets you know he’s up to something. Big Tim Curry energy. We’ll be watching him.
I mean, he does kind of have a point, right? He did just coronate Aegon like two weeks ago. He can’t be out here coronating everyone who swoops in on a dragon and says the king is dead. He’ll never get anything else done.
Get your paperwork right and come back later.
A kingdom with no ratcatchers is a kingdom that belongs to the rats. That’s not a thing anyone has said before, but it sounds like it could be. Let’s pretend it is.
Helaena Targaryen: 19
Alicent Hightower: 18
Corlys “The Sea Snake” Velaryon: 18
Alyn of Hull: 17
Mysaria: 17
Rhaenyra Targaryen: 15
Alys the Witch: 15
Addam of Hull: 15
Hugh Hammer: 15
Baela Targaryen: 12
Ulf the White:13
Daemon Targaryen: 11
Grand Maester Orwyle: 11
Ser Simon Strong: 10
The Rats of King’s Landing: 10
Larys Strong: 9
Sylvi: 9
Admiral Sharako Lohar: 9
The One Guy at Harrenhal Who Saw a Massive Fire-Breathing Dragon Swoop Toward the Castle and Reacted by Shouting “DRAGON”: 9
Rhaena Targaryen: 8
Ormund Hightower: 8
Ser Torrhen Manderly: 7
Gwayne Hightower: 5
The High Septon: 5 points
Fake Daeron Targaryen: 4
Aegon II Targaryen: 3
Otto Hightower: 2
Jacaerys “Jace” Velaryon: 1
Ser Lorent Marbrand: 1
Lord Jasper: 0
Ser Criston Cole: 0
Aemond Targaryen: -100
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