The Valley of the Damned
Season 3
Episode 18
Editor’s Rating
2 stars
**
Janet and Danny hitting a stalemate for the millionth time in the finale sets up the reunion and the future of the series for failure.
Photo: Griffin Nagel/Bravo
Yikes, this finale fell as flat and dully as Janet’s solo cup hit Danny’s head. I will admit, though, I did love how the hollow sound of it ricocheting off his head and hitting the ground was the equivalent of a “womp womp womp.” For their stalemate to have eclipsed an entire season, it’s disappointing that this is the climax of it all. But what else can we expect from someone as uninspired as Janet (I do admire her effort, poor thing) and someone as inarticulate and sloppy as Danny? They’re two personalities so devoid of charisma it’s a shame the entire season orbited around their grievances.
At least Janet has the wherewithal to understand how reality TV works (hello conflict, meet resolution), whereas Danny is too dimwitted to grasp not only what he did but also how to repent for it. For the episode to end with Danny looking dead into the camera, saying he’s “actually a really, really good guy,” and that this sentiment is backed by “people of wisdom” (a.k.a. Hillsong Church) sent a literal chill down my spine. He continues with: “I know who I am; I’m a man of character and integrity.” Whoa. Slow down, evil Kelvin Gemstone.
Danny Booko’s behavior has forced every cast member of The Valley to wrangle with their personal value system in a way no one has the range for. I fear this cast is more concerned about being on their perceived “right” side of history than actually understanding and learning from the nuances of the situation. Unfortunately, this is another way the show mirrors our modern culture, as Dame Moylan pointed out last week. We’re still trying to figure out how to deal with the Dannys of the world — how do we coexist with men (and the people who support them) who still have one foot in the boys club? How do we hold these people accountable while also allowing room for growth? But is there room for growth without true contrition?
These are important questions (and probably better directed to people a bit more cerebral than Brittany Cartwright and co.), but you’ll find none of the answers by watching The Valley. Here, you’re either Team Janet or Team Danny, the future of the show be damned. The lines are so rigid that at Brittany’s party, Kristen lies through her teeth about slipping information to Team Janet, regardless of whether the information was as innocuous as saying Nia “guilt trips” Zack into not being Janet’s friend (although, through a game of telephone, it gets back to him that Nia “manipulates” him). Lala and Brittany gasp at Kristen’s ability to change her tune with such conviction a mere three days after their conversation, but Zack firmly aligns himself with Kristen because for him, the thought of conceding to team Janet is likely to lead to even less control of his bodily functions than he had at Chili’s.
Most of the episode takes place during Brittany’s vampire-themed finale party, which is ironic because the cast of this spin-off is sucking the last bit of life out of its predecessor while lacking the vitality to carry the show on their own. Although they do put up a fight at the beginning of the episode. I especially appreciate seeing Brittany’s journey as the parent of a child on the spectrum. I loved Cruz’s nonverbal friendly trick-or-treat basket and seeing his sensory play room come to fruition throughout the season. Meanwhile, Jesse accompanies Lacey to an egg-freezing consultation, showing us a rare glimpse at the more tender side of their relationship, and Kristen and Luke continue to be candid about the good, the bad, and the ugly (Luke’s misogyny and Kristen’s hormone-exacerbated lack of emotional regulation) of their postpartum journey as they break down their therapy session.
However, no amount of personal story can pluck out the thorn in our side that Janet versus Danny. To the show’s detriment, every other storyline has become secondary to this divide, putting the finale in a precarious position as it must somehow tie all this discord into a neat narrative bow. We get a moment of hope when Lala and Nia try to find common ground. I’m starting to believe that we can predict Nia’s demeanor by the size and tightness of her prairie dress sleeves. Maybe it’s a secret tradwife code she learned watching Mormons on TikTok. Here, they’re dainty and loose, almost as a signal to Lala that she’s ready to put down her weapons for a woman-to-woman chat. Nia’s vulnerability helps further disarm Lala, who seems to actually want to meet in the middle. With Adelaide firmly in her lap (I swear she’s had more screen time than Melissa and Benji combined), she discusses her chaotic childhood that included bouts of homelessness and an emotionally distant father. She talks about her desire for unwavering love and stability, which she claims she gets from Danny (ew, I pray that type of “love” never finds me).
Lala is able to respect Nia’s perspective, though she still can’t quite get past her disdain for Danny’s bad behavior, leaving things between her and the package deal that is the Bookos back at square one. By the time we get to Brittany’s party, there’s still little resolve between the two sides, but the cast knows they’ve got to land this plane somehow, so, like the vampires they’re dressed as, they sink their teeth into anything with pulse in an attempt to keep themselves and the show alive. They start with a softball before Janet and Danny face each other head-on. Lala relays to Janet the conversation she had with Kristen at Brittany’s photoshoot. She says that despite the progress Janet thinks she made in their friendship, according to Kristen, Zack is still talking shit.
Janet tells Zack that it sounds like Kristen is throwing him under the bus to ensure he doesn’t make up with her. Zack doesn’t waver, saying in his confessional that he finds it more frustrating that Lala and Brittany are “plotting” to make it seem like Kristen is stirring the pot. Frustrated with talking in circles, Janet candidly asks Zack if they’re actually moving forward with their friendship. But before they can dissect anything further, Jesse enters from stage right, ready to play his favorite game: whack-a-mole with Janet’s head. Janet walks away as he starts spewing his hate, but since the cameras are still rolling, Jesse stays clocked in, leaping at the chance to rile up Michelle. He confronts his ex-wife about the comedian she’s dating, accusing her of introducing Isabella to him.
Jesse effectively ruins the progress he and Michelle have made toward amicability. Truthfully, I think having a Bravo paycheck is worth more to Jesse than a healthy relationship wth Michelle. He calls Michelle’s behavior hypocritical because she made such a big deal about how quickly Isabella met Lacey, while also throwing Michelle’s breakup with Aaron in her face to make it seem as if there’s a revolving door of men in Isabella’s life. Michelle claims the only reason Isabella met the comedian is that she happened to be there while Michelle was showing him a house. Whether this meeting took place before or after Michelle started dating him is unclear — and I honestly don’t really care. What I do find interesting is Michelle’s new beau, Dr. Dre, and her creepy insistence on WWHL that he’s a “wonderful man,” which is a descriptor I’ve never heard associated with the guy who has a whole section on his Wikipedia titled, “Violence against women,” but I digress.
Jasmine, taking a hint from Jesse about keeping her check from the show (especially with those wedding invoices piling up), leaches off the tension and gives us her first and only decent line of the season with, “Comedian? But she doesn’t even laugh; how is she dating a comedian?” She’s not wrong! Michelle’s grown on me outside of Jesse’s shadow, but she’s still a bit of a wallflower who needs a bigger personality to latch onto (this is why I could never take her and Schwartz seriously; two bottoms never work out). Thankfully, she has that in her emotional support bestie Natalie, who jumps to her defense when Jasmine messily tries to stick up for Jesse. Natalie and her voice (I’m still laughing at when Schwartz met her earlier this season and said she sounded like an “oracle”) come on a little too strong for Jasmine’s tastes, and it turns into calling each other bitches. Michelle separates the two, and the spat between Natalie and Jasmine ends as fast as it began, bringing us back into the inescapable trenches of the Danny vs Janet war.
As all of this finale drama is happening around him, Danny gets increasingly drunker, foreshadowing absolutely nothing good coming our way. Jason, “looking for a place to rest his leg” (lol, heavy on the air quotes because we all know production told his ass to go over there), finds the inebriated Danny lounging alone in a corner probably attempting to keep the spins at bay. He immediately demands that Danny apologize to Lala for their altercation in Mexico. “Apologize” is one of Danny’s trigger words, so he strikes back defensively. It’s not really Jason’s place to mine for atonement on Lala’s behalf; however, the lawyer in him is clearly, albeit clumsily, trying to lay out a pattern of bad behavior that includes speaking to women disrespectfully.
Production herds over Lala and Janet to get them to join the conversation because we have to try and find an ending. Danny butchers his way through his testimony, saying he doesn’t owe Janet an apology because she’s “never apologized for anything.” He goes as far as to argue that since Jason has blacked out from alcohol before, there’s no way to know if he’s grabbed an ass before (???). They keep going with Jason threatening to beat Danny’s ass and Danny childishly retorting, “What’re you going to do with your bum leg?”
Danny is so drunk and self-righteous there’s no point. Seriously, Janet, let Danny drink himself into a ditch. I promise his character speaks for itself, and it will again and again. But instead of letting him show his ass on his own, Janet wanted a moment, so she cringily threw the drink at Danny. The fan in her couldn’t help it. Sadly, with both parties walking away from the finale more divided than ever, only a miracle reunion could revive the season after they’ve sucked the life out of it.
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