Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Pay Dirt,
My wife and I aren’t rich by any means but we have a good life. We have a paid-off house and three healthy, happy boys. But ever since our youngest started school last year, my wife has become obsessed with watching a certain type ofTV show—and it’s ruining her life, and mine.
She will watch hours and hours of home decorating and renovation shows and continue to scroll on her phone way past our bedtime. It makes her depressed and she continues to complain about the look of our house and how ugly and out-dated it is. I tried to be supportive like repainting the kitchen and our bedroom or getting new covers for our furniture, but it only makes her happy for a moment. Then she is back to complaining and wanting projects that cost too much.
I make a good living but we are on one income. Our emergency funds are for fixing the truck or repairing the pipes, not adding on a mudroom or walk-in shower. It really hurts me when my wife acts like our lives are somehow horrible and that I am failing as a provider. I tell that to her and she says that isn’t what she means. For her birthday, I found a fire pit on sale and my buddies helped me expand and spruce up our patio with some free bricks we found at a construction site. I added fairy lights and new flower beds. My wife always talked about having a better outside area to entertain and I thought I pulled it off. She was very surprised and happy—for about three days. Then the complaints came rolling in.
I finally had enough and we had a huge fight. I told my wife most women would kill be in her place and living her life. But even if we won the lottery and went to live in Beverly Hills, it wouldn’t be enough for her. Nothing ever is. I ended up leaving to spend the night with a friend because I was this close to telling my wife to leave if she was that unhappy in our marriage.
I don’t know what to do here. I love my wife, but her unhappiness with everything is hurting us. I tried every method I could think of: encouraging her to look for a part time job or volunteer work or taking up an active hobby, but nothing sticks. Counseling is out of our price range. What is left? Even if I got rid of the TV, she would still scroll on her phone.
—House Sad
Dear House Sad,
Like a lot of us, it sounds like your wife is hooked on aspirational lifestyle content. It can be fun to zone out and dream about a more aesthetically pleasing life, but it can quickly lead to feeling like your own life just isn’t good enough. It sells the illusion of having it altogether, and if you’re already dissatisfied with something, that illusion can highlight your dissatisfaction and make you feel like the solution to your problem is a perfectly decorated living room or brand new granite countertops—or a fancy new fire pit.
That’s the consumer trap in a nutshell, and considering this has become such a sticky issue for your family, it sounds like that might be what’s going on with your wife. Clearly, these shows are hitting on something else, and, ideally, the two of you could get to the bottom of it together. You mentioned therapy is out of the budget, so the key is to have an open-minded conversation with her about your concerns. Talk to her about the issue in a way that doesn’t feel condescending (“you’re obsessed”), belittling (“nothing is ever enough for you”), or contemptuous (“most women would kill to be in your place.”) I know this might be hard to do because you have your feelings, too, and I can see how this would make you feel the way it does. But think of this issue as something that you both need to solve to save the relationship—not a problem she’s creating to destroy the family.
There’s a saying: It’s not you versus me, it’s us versus the problem. That’s your mantra, and that’s likely the fundamental lesson you would learn in therapy. How do you do this? Many therapists suggest using “I” statements. So instead of “Your behavior is making me feel X,” you would tell your wife, “I feel inadequate and hurt by this whole situation.” Or “I feel disconnected and it seems like we’re chasing perfection.” You can follow it up with something like, “I want to understand what the goal is, and how you’re feeling about all of this.” The key is to ask her questions in a non-judgemental and genuinely curious way so the two of you can get to the bottom of this. “What do you think our home is missing right now?” or “What part of this feels important to you?” might open that door.
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If there’s nothing deeper going on here and she truly just wants to make some changes to your home, maybe the two of you can agree to a “home improvement” budget. Come up with one or two projects you want to take on, then save into the account every month until you get there. This could give you something to look forward to and work toward together. Try making it a SMART goal so that you actually stick to it.
Also, she might get more enjoyment out of content that isn’t so heavy on consumerism and that’s more inspirational rather than just aspirational. There’s The Minimal Mom, Zero Waste Home, Peppercorn Place, and Restyle Living, just to name a few. Could you gently suggest some of these? You don’t want to present them as a criticism, maybe just as a suggestion of other types of content you’ve come across.
But mostly, it sounds like the two of you need to have a more serious conversation. Especially if this issue came on suddenly, there’s a good chance she’s hooked on these shows because it’s triggering something deeper: a change, a longing for control, or even a sense of safety in a world that feels chaotic. Find a time to talk, make “us versus the problem” your new mantra, and get to the bottom of it.
—Kristin
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