Shades of grey? Parents watching locally made sex in the 21st century doco likely to be alarmed

Russell Brown

Columnist & features writer·New Zealand Listener·

15 Aug, 2026 07:05 PM3 mins to read

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Crisp and authentic: Sex and relationship expert Jo Robertson. Photo / Supplied

‘This is a uniquely confusing time,” says Jo Robertson towards the end of What Happened to Sex? She’s not wrong.

What to make of a culture around sexual activity – influenced by online pornography, social media, pop music imagery and even an ascendant genre of romantic fiction – that is
establishing norms that even many of those involved in it don’t seem comfortable with? Parents watching What Happened to Sex? will likely be alarmed by it. Younger people may just be grateful someone’s talking about it.

Robertson, who presents this instalment of the Documentary NZ season, is a genuine expert in the area. Her masters dissertation focused on the impact on adolescents of online sexual content and she works as a sex and relationship therapist. She’s also a crisp and authentic television presenter.

The documentary is creditably willing to let young women and men do a lot of the talking. And it soon becomes clear that consent – the bedrock of healthy sexual relationships – isn’t always the issue here.

“I’d hooked up with someone, and she asked me to hit her, and I was like, ‘I’m sorry, what was that?’ And she goes, ‘No, no, I want you to full-on backhand me,’” says 30 year-old James in the opening minute. “I felt terrible at the time. And I was like, I don’t want to hurt you. She goes, ‘No, I want to be hurt. Hit me.’ And I did.”

“When I first started having sex,” a young woman continues. “I found myself saying to him, “You can be rougher with me. You can choke me. It’s fine.”

The problem may not be rough sex itself – although Robertson’s visit to Dr Kate Taylor, whose on-screen job description is lead clinician non-fatal strangulation, produces the chilling information that even a handful of choking experiences can cause long-term brain damage. It’s part of a “sexual script” absorbed by kids before they’ve had their first kiss.

The expectation that sex will involve transgressive practices – “Otherwise you’re boring and who’s gonna want to have sex with you?” – is such that 27-year-old Izzy says she has begun to opt out of sex altogether.

It is worth recalling that societal views of sexual practices have often changed over time, and that what people want to fantasise about is not always what they do – Fifty Shades of Grey became a global mainstream success with readers who weren’t necessarily practising BDSM themselves – and Robertson does a good job of not tilting over into moral panic.

It would also be foolish to pretend that decades past, when sexual consent was barely discussed (rape within marriage was not a criminal offence in New Zealand until 1985) were good times.

But What Happened to Sex? paints a worrying picture of a media-driven environment that can generate both emotional and physical harm, one that lacks a good social narrative for preventing that harm. Robertson concludes by worrying that the ultimate effect will be generational.

What to do about it? Robertson briefly references Australia’s ban on social media for teenagers without really exploring what a complex argument that is. But just talking about it all in a programme like this seems a good start.

What Happened to Sex? TVNZ 1, Monday, August 24, 8.30pm; streaming on TVNZ+.

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