“Pass it here!” I scold, reaching for the remote as my now tepid soup slops over the side, and I accidentally hit a button near the top of the remote. Something strange begins to happen.
The screen flashes, and I briefly consider the possibility that I am time travelling.
Nobody Wants This stars Adam Brody and Kristen Bell and I do not recommend you watch it. Photo / Netflix
A woman in a psychedelic pashmina named Kirstie and a man named Phil appear in my lounge and ask me if I’m going to love it or list it.
I feel something strange, a warmth in my soul, indecision removed, a moment’s peace and it was like I was back in the womb.
“Love it!” I scream as I get my first taste of a dish long forgotten, entertainment’s comfort food: linear television.
For those unfamiliar (welcome Gen Alpha), linear television is what happens when you push the “TV” button on your remote, and is free scheduled content with ads you cannot pay to remove (gasp).
On day one I watched for hours, consumed by the novelty of it all. There were only a few things to watch, and I had so little control. I was childlike with glee.
After a day of making decisions, at work, at home, as a parent, it was bliss to have some decisions taken from me and not have to pick what to watch.
I felt like I was back in the 90s, watching Jerry Springer on a sick day off school. Because when it came to entertainment options, you just got what you got. And in the case of 7-year-old me, I got a man breakdancing with joy on stage as it was revealed he wasn’t the father of the sweet, now fatherless, baby on stage.
On day two, I came back for more linear goodness.
What would they dish up for me today? I was shocked to find it was the same shows as yesterday, at the same time. But television leftovers still brought relief in the warm form of consistency.
Then I left the room during The Chase after hearing my washing machine’s dulcet tones beckon me, and I bellowed from the hallway, “Can you pause it?”.
But pause we could not. I’d have to wait until the ads to hang the washing. Was this what delayed gratification looked like? Was I meditating? Namaste right here and hang it up in the ad break.
Can the Chaser catch our team? Or can I catch my washing machine?
On day three, I was home during the day and turned it on for background noise. I soon found myself considering purchasing an extendable hose that a freight truck carrying a blue whale could drive over, just in case.
Later that day, streaming wasn’t even suggested; my partner had already turned on linear telly, and I watched him interact with Deal or No Deal more than he has with any streaming show, telling a contestant they were a moron for turning down $30k when they were currently living in their car.
When they walked away with $7500 instead, I swear I heard him whisper, “That’s what you get”.
“We must tell people about what we’ve found,” I told him of the new/old world we’d unearthed, but it turns out we weren’t alone in Narnia; the people knew it was there.
A recent Where Are The Audiences report from NZ on Air shows Kiwis are returning to linear TV in droves, and for the first time in half a decade, traditional broadcast viewing has overtaken paid subscription streaming.
The report stated the cost of living was a factor, with the increase also aligning with audiences leaving paid streaming services. But decision fatigue also played a part and audiences, like me, were simply overwhelmed by too much choice.
It also found local relevance was a huge drawcard, with 81% of Kiwis saying they valued seeing local faces on their screen. That doesn’t always happen with international streamers.
Guy Montgomery’s Guy Mont Spelling Bee. I do recommend you watch this. Photo / James Gourly
And I agreed, as I sat down to watch Guy Montgomery’s Guy Mont Spelling Bee and saw familiar faces making fools of themselves, the nostalgia factor hitting as classic Kiwi chaos ensued.
I watched The Traitors Australia, local comedy Settling, and it turns out Paddy Gower still had issues. Because this is the f*****g television.
At times, pickings were slim and even Say Yes to the Dress couldn’t scratch the itch. But I’d just turn it off and go do something else. I felt like I was living off-grid.
So will I go back to the bright lights and big city that is streaming?
Absolutely, it still has a place in my entertainment diet, but from now on I shall seek it with intent. And when the new season of Dutton Ranch airs, or I get a recommendation for a great show, I may even gluttonously binge it.
But in an age of endless choice, and food growing cold from indecision, there’s something comforting about linear TV.
Maybe it’s television’s version of a hot bowl of soup.