I fire up the news app, which is a huge mistake, as I read about all the tragedy and bad things happening in the world, and I feel 100 times worse.
Is this going how it’s supposed to go?
How does your morning routine continue?
My favourite app is the Guardian because I think they’re doing too much. Like I’m already aware of a lot of the problems, like wars, genocides, climate change, but then the Guardian will be doing investigations into how the world’s running out of sand. And I’m like, sand? Oh no, now I’ve got to worry about Gaza, Ukraine and sand.
I’ll skim the articles, and apparently, we don’t have enough sand for building hospitals and stuff now because it’s all gone to Dubai to build, like, islands for David Beckham or something like that.
Next, I check my messages, which is even worse. Messaging friends, family, enemies, starting fights in group chats, that kind of thing. Then around 9.30 or 10am, I’m like, oh s***, I’ve got to go to work.
Guy Williams bikes to work. Photo / Guy Williams
Do you have a morning workout routine?
I get on my e-bike and bike to work. It’s not a long bike (seven to 12 minutes from Freemans Bay to Morningside), but I bike chaotically.
The other day, I was a bit cheeky. I was weaving through traffic, and a car was firing up at me. He was yelling at me and beeping his horn, but then when we got to the lights, he recognised me. He goes, “oh sorry Guy, I didn’t realise it was you”. As if recognising me has any effect on whether you should yell at someone you don’t like…
He looked at my bike and asked me why I can’t afford a car. Which I thought was funny. I have a car, but I like to bike to work, A) because it’s faster and B) it’s a better start to the day. My day, as I’ve described, is terrible until I either walk or bike.
What time do you have breakfast and what do you usually eat?
You may have noticed I haven’t had any food in this process.
I normally forget to eat until about 11 or midday, so when most people are having lunch, I’m normally having breakfast. I love Hubbards granola and oat milk, Vogels and peanut butter; Fix & Fogg if I’m on a health kick, and American sugar peanut butter if I’m feeling normal.
How do you decide what to wear each day?
I throw my phone across the room, and I frantically scramble on any clothes I can find.
I have a spare room with a lot of clothes piled up, and I grab from that.
If me and my girlfriend are going out in the evening, I’ll put a little bit of thought into what I’m wearing and maybe do layers or something like that. But when I wake up in the morning, it’s always slides to save time on socks and tying my laces, and shorts and a T-shirt. If it’s winter, then I’ll put a jersey over the shirt.
I always have on my New Year’s resolutions to dress better, and I have gotten a little better, but I’m still very bad.
How many hours of sleep do you get?
Normally, when I wake up, and my watch says “you’ve done a bad job”, I know I’ve done a bad job, you don’t need to tell me that. But I did well last night. I got six hours and 52 minutes. My average is five hours 52.
Does your partner have the same routine as you?
I’d say she’s a little more organised. When I wake up, I try to text my girlfriend good morning as well if we’re not in the same place.
She’s a dancer, so she often, like me, has unusual hours, working in the evenings or not starting until 3 or 4pm. If she’s doing a night-time show, then she might sleep in with me, or if she’s got to go to rehearsals, then she’ll be up earlier, and I’ll just lie there and pretend I’m dead.
Guy Williams and his partner Lucy have similar but different sleep schedules. Photo / Guy Williams
Is the weekend morning routine the same as the weekdays?
I get up earlier on the weekend at 8am to play social football on Saturday and Sunday, it’s just whatever happens happens.
For football, that’s the earliest I wake up in the week, and I feel embarrassed to say this because most of your readers will probably be jealous of my sleep routine, but I’m an idiot. I go to bed late as well, so don’t think I’m some sort of well-rested savant because I’m definitely not nailing it.
Any non-negotiables in the morning?
Definitely not. I have absolutely no rules. I should get some rules.
I’ve been telling myself for about five or six years that I need to wake up and make the bike first thing in the morning, or go outside for a walk or a run. That’s the absolute dream, to not check my phone and to get out and be part of the world, because I think phones are ruining many people’s lives, and maybe mine to an extent.
If I could get the phone out of my life as much as possible, that would be ideal.
Anything you do the night before to make getting up easier?
No, I’m sorry if anyone’s reading this for guru health tips – they’ve come to the wrong place. Yesterday, my director was explaining to me what meal prep was. I’ve never done meal prep in my life.
I’ve never thought anything through like that in my life, so I just eat simple meals that take no time to make. If I organised them the night before, that would make my life better, but I don’t. Absolutely useless.
Responses edited for length and clarity.
Guy Williams performs the Best Comedy Show On Earth on November 14 at the Bruce Mason Centre. Tickets at comedyfestival.co.nz