“When I’m with these people, do I get to be who I truly am? Am I accepted? And do I feel like I get to be the best version of me when I’m around these people? And if not, then perhaps I’m trying to fit in somewhere that I don’t actually belong.”
For parents who don’t know how to start these conversations with their children, Coulson suggests filling what he calls the “relationship bucket” with connection, not constant correction and direction.
Coulson also urges families to shrink online noise that fuels comparison.
“Get rid of your social media accounts and apps from your telephone … by reducing your access to those platforms, you will find that your wellbeing will increase.”
Resisting the urge to pressure children is another way parents can help anxious kids. Working in high-achieving schools, Coulson sees many students struggling with perfectionism.
“This is usually the environment where we do see the most anxiety and where we do see the most depression and we do see the most kids saying, ‘I can’t go to school today and do that exam or that oral presentation because I’m so anxious’.”
Releasing the pressure valve can be surprisingly simple.
“Our kids need to know that we love them no matter what. The three most important words that our kids can hear are not, I love you. It’s the next three, no matter what.”
Listen to the full episode of The Little Things for more from Dr Justin Coulson on:
Why gap years can supercharge maturityHow establishing a culture of 15-minute “tricky talks” can unlock conversations about consent, alcohol and porn The importance of giving children choices.
The Little Things is available on iHeartRadio, Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts. The series is hosted by broadcaster Francesca Rudkin and health researcher Louise Ayrey. New episodes are available every Saturday.