Early dating, especially on the apps, is often about seeing what you want to see. Few of us are immune from this kind of wishful thinking. My patient, for instance, seems undeterred by less-than-promising behaviour in the early stages. And I’ve seen even my most unsentimental patients giving chance after chance to people who respond to them tersely, belatedly or even not at all. Few heed Maya Angelou’s warning, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
This kind of self-deception has a name: projection. A defence mechanism where what we perceive in others is actually what we are denying or uncomfortable with in ourselves. It is usually unconscious.
I encourage my patients to hold on to their hope but also to let go when hope becomes self-delusion. The sooner we realise a relationship is wrong, the sooner we can find one that’s right.
After hundreds of therapy sessions about online dating, I’ve been able to zero in on four reliable signs that it may be time to pull the plug, or at least pay close attention.
Love bombing
Love bombing is over-the-top affection early on – think constant texting, excessive compliments (especially if they feel boiler plate), premature talk of what’s to come, like moving in together or marriage (also called “future faking”) and extremely generous gift giving.
It might feel intoxicating in the moment, but the intimacy it creates is like candyfloss – full of sweetness and gone in an instant. When someone idealises you, it’s not a question of if they will then devalue you in equal proportion – it’s when.
Love bombing is often used by manipulative or narcissistic people to secure admiration and control. They use it as a strategy to create dependency and make it harder for you to leave later when problematic behaviours emerge.
Some key phrases to be wary of are: “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before” (said very early); “I’ve been waiting my whole life for you”; and “Everything about you is perfect.”
Also look out for isolation disguised as devotion: “I just want it to be the two of us” or “Your friends don’t understand what we have”.
The key red flag is if a statement comes with pressure, it’s designed to overwhelm you more than genuinely connect with you.
Breadcrumbing
Breadcrumbing is the opposite of love bombing. The person gives you just enough encouragement – sporadic texts, plans to meet up that they cancel at the last minute and other mixed signals – to keep you wanting more.
People who breadcrumb might have commitment issues or are keeping their options open. They also may like the ego boost of knowing someone is interested in them without having to reciprocate. In any case, breadcrumbing reveals a potentially controlling nature, prevents authentic connection and doesn’t allow you to assess true compatibility.
Lack of curiosity
Learning about each other requires curiosity on both sides.
Here are some questions that can help you evaluate if the person you are dating is into you: do they ask follow-up questions about personal things you’ve shared? Do they remember details about your stories? Do they listen when you bring up your thoughts and feelings or change the subject? Do they talk with you rather than at you? Do the conversations seem two-sided or seem to circle back to them? Do they take the time to understand before giving advice?
Lack of curiosity often means that the person is just looking to fill a hole, rather than build a real connection. If they don’t care about your story now, they probably never will.
Negativity in profiles
Profiles filled with complaints, demands or bitter commentary about past relationships reveal an unstable emotional mindset. And if in their profile they harp on what they don’t want, instead of what they do, pay attention. Look for phrases such as “No drama,” “Tired of games,” and “If you’re like my ex, swipe left.”
If you see a list of dealbreakers, break the deal. Negativity like this often means there is unresolved baggage. Remember, people who are ready for a healthy relationship usually focus on what they are looking for, not what they’re avoiding.
All four of these behaviours are impediments to true intimacy. But spotting them in therapy is often a lot easier than seeing them in real life. Red flags are rarely flown at full mast – they are often subtle and disguised, or lost in a fog of our own wishful thinking. Not recognising them clearly leads to confusion in how to respond.
Dating tips
Here are some tips on how to date with your eyes wide open.
Know that you are not in control of someone else’s behaviour
Don’t try to fix a person. It’s not your job to change someone’s behaviour when you see red flags; it’s to simply bring them into your awareness. If you value honesty and they are evasive, for example, that’s information, not a summons to pin them down and make them tell the truth.
Look for patterns, not isolated moments
Try not to get carried away by grand gestures or perfect first dates, and resist the urge to fast-forward the future. Try to see past the frothy surface to the deeper character underneath.
How do your prospective mates treat service workers? How do they handle frustrations, stress, unexpected changes, or boundaries? Do their actions match their words? Do they communicate respectfully and take responsibility when conflict arises, even in minor ways?
Listen to your gut on these issues of character: if something feels off, it probably is.
Listen to what they tell you about themselves and others
When someone says, “I’m not good at trust,” or “I’m not good at relationships,” believe them. Don’t assume you’ll be the exception, even (or especially) when they say, “it’s different with you”.
Similarly, listen to how they talk about exes, friends and family. Someone who consistently paints others as “crazy” or problematic is showing you how they may come to frame you.
Have compassion for yourself
Kindness towards yourself is essential. And remember that when you experience rejection, it’s often as much about other people’s insecurity and cycle of maladaptive patterns as it is about you.
Be conscious of your values
Dating requires self-reflection. Be aware of your values and what you are looking for.
Consider working with a therapist or a dating coach
A therapist or coach can help you explore more effective approaches that take into account your own attachment and relationship history. An outside person can also help you build self-esteem and self-worth, vital ingredients in any healthy relationship.
Online dating can be discouraging. But there are many gems to be found. The key is to recognise patterns in others and yourself. Believe in love, but before that, believe in yourself.
Sarah Gundle, PsyD, is a clinical psychologist practising in New York. She is an assistant professor in psychiatry at the Icahn School of Medicine, Mount Sinai Medical Center.