What’s the point in being a national treasure if you can’t even have a mini-break in a beautiful Scottish castle without worrying about your personal security? The traitors have really done it this time. “What a mean one!” Celia told us after learning she’d been murdered in plain sight. “It’s been gorgeous and I’m devastated,” everyone’s favourite former faithful added, but imagine how she’ll feel when she realises she was taken down by a goblet-brandishing, Shakespeare-quoting Alan Carr. It’s simply beastly.
But Celia wasn’t the only casualty of this penultimate episode. Still high on the excitement of catching a traitor in a big-dog trap last night, the So Gullible Crew returned to their default position at the round table and banished another faithful, this time the long-suffering Kate. She was either the greatest traitor of all time or an obvious faithful in the headlights — once again, the gang called it wrong and “curiosity Kate” shuffled off, all smiles and wonderful memories.
The episode started with the castle-mates sitting down on a full stomach to a fire hazard of a banquet with wine, cheese, wreaths and candles all over the shop. They say if you notice incidental music it’s too loud, and we were almost deafened by OTT strings and woodwind as we endured the saccharine-sweet “what a journey it’s been” sequence designed to make viewers feel everyone has grown by playing the game. David told us he had been changed by his time in the castle. Kate felt truly inspired, and Celia said they’d all really been themselves. Life-affirming stuff, I’m sure.
• The Traitors is rigged, just not how you think it is
After watching a scenic car ride beside a loch, we found out why yesterday’s challenge (crossing a bridge with a sack) was so lo-fi: the BBC had been saving up for — yes, you heard it — lasers! And not only had the production team recreated an iconic scene from the 1999 Sean Connery action movie Entrapment in a shed somewhere in Inverness-shire, they’d bought a load of mannequin heads that in some cases vaguely resembled castle-mates past and present. And while Alan Carr slinked through the lasers à la Catherine Zeta-Jones (minus the catsuit) in the movie, while holding a rubber effigy of himself, we all collectively told ourselves this is a thinking man’s reality show. It’s high-brow. It’s all OK.
Back at the castle, Joe reverted to staring at people for a few seconds longer than is considered polite in order to see the traitor in their soul, and the group started to realise that both Cat and Alan could be traitors. However, as is customary, they didn’t act on their instincts and went off on a new tangent, which involved narrowing down the banishment to one of two faithful: David or Kate.
At the round table David delivered a devastatingly calm and polite attack on Kate, which perhaps sealed her fate. Nick and Joe strengthened their alliance, and Cat and Alan looked a little wobbly when the finger of suspicion turned to them.
We left our final five summoned to the darkened castle gardens by the sound of a cloaked cyberman drumming. Met by Claudia, they were told that they were the finalists and from there on in it will be all about instinct (good luck with that), as there will be no reveals when players are banished.
And so the die is cast. The final (which is next Thursday, confusingly) is on a knife edge. Joe and Nick seem to have sussed it out, leaving Alan and Cat in seriously hot traitor soup. But what will David do? The mild-mannered historian is about to play the most important role in BBC1’s most watched show of the year. His agent must be delighted.
But as we count down the days to the final, there’s nothing left for me to do but wheel out my devastatingly accurate and informative player ratings before hibernating for six days.
• The secrets of The Traitors’ success — by its unlikely Dutch creator
Nick Mohammed 
BBC/STUDIO LAMBERT/EUAN CHERRY
Rating: 9.1
I’m calling it. I think the faithful are going to win, and when they do it’ll be because of the persistently excellent gameplay of Nick. In the first episodes he perhaps overplayed his intelligence and general nice guy credentials, but as the game has gone on he’s settled into his role as Mr Reliable for the faithful, contributing to every task and earning himself the title of Joe’s most reliable “hundie”. His bold move to team up with Joe and admit that he’d thrown the chess game has paid off, earning him a pivotal ally as we enter the endgame. Nick has been suspicious of Cat for some time, and broke cover late in the game; now it’s too late for her to murder him. He doesn’t think that David is a traitor, which should leave him to follow Joe to the Cat and Alan conclusion. There is a slight wrinkle, though. Does he trust Joe as much as he claims? Could there be one last twist in that relationship that plays into the hands of the traitors?
Joe Marler
David Olusoga with Joe Marler
BBC
Rating: 8.8
Joe has grown and grown as a character throughout the game, using his big personality and influence to cement himself as an arch-faithful and traitor hunter-in-chief. His decision to be brash, confrontational and bold has panned out brilliantly, as he has made himself unmurderable by the traitors because his demise would almost certainly have led back to them. He was the only person who suspected Jonathan from the start, and finally managed to get his man. Despite a wobble with the banishment of Kate in this episode, the penny has now dropped and Joe realises that Cat and Alan are a team. He’s been close to Cat up until now and so it might still be a surprise for her when he finally turns on her. He’s asked David face-to-face to follow him, so if David follows and Nick doesn’t think he’s being played, Joe should pull off a fantastic faithful victory.
• Why we’re all copying Claudia Winkleman’s Traitors style this autumn
Cat Burns
Rating: 7.6
Cat has managed to keep below the radar throughout the entire game despite being allied with two of the biggest characters in the castle. This is a great skill that’s got her into the final, but could this now be her downfall? The fact that she’s been so quiet and noncommittal at the round table and tried to stay out of the drama is now coming back to haunt her. Her greatest ally on the faithful team, Joe, now thinks she’s a traitor, and Nick has his suspicions too. Once again it will probably come down to which way David swings as to whether or not Cat gets caught. There remains enough division among the faithful that Cat could still be left in the group at the end of the game, but it feels less likely now than at any point in the game previously. Could she end up being a cat with nine lives, like her traitor colleague Jonathan?
Alan Carr
The remaining traitors, Alan and Cat
BBC/STUDIO LAMBERT/EUAN CHERRY
Rating: 7.3
Despite no one quite connecting Alan with the plain-sight murder of Celia, he is the traitor with the most heat on him going into the final. The arch-traitor-hunter Joe has had his eye on Alan for a while, and Nick seems to have moved into the same orbit of thought. When Alan was asked to vow his faithfulness with Claudia at the end of the episode, his inability to look everyone in the eye without laughing won’t have helped his case. Alan has played a brilliant game and has shown the most development of character in the series; from gibbering wreck on day one to smiling assassin by the end — if anything he has become too confident. The other players have realised he deflects using humour and they’re on to him. It’s hard to see him making it through the final banishments.
David Olusoga
Rating: 7.1
It’s so hard to place David in the rankings because, despite his being so quiet and considered, he really is the pivotal piece in this final puzzle. If we assume that Alan and Cat stay unified in their treacherous alliance and that Joe and Nick go for them, David’s decision will shape the game. Remember, only one traitor needs to remain standing at the end for them to win, and so he must block-vote with the faithful to avoid catastrophe. David has stated that he doesn’t think the traitors are working as a team, which means he may go for the offbeat choice of Joe and throw a spanner in the works — especially after Joe’s late attempt to bring him into the circle with Nick. His propensity to overthink the strategies and alliances could send him down a dead end. It’s too close to call. Good luck, David — you’re going to need it!
Banished
• Kate Garraway
• Jonathan Ross
• Stephen Fry
• Mark Bonnar (by tie-break)
• Clare Balding
• Tameka Empson
• Niko Omilana
Murdered
• Celia Imrie
• Lucy Beaumont
• Joe Wilkinson
• Charlotte Church
• Ruth Codd
• Tom Daley
• Paloma Faith