Greg Dixon’s Another Kind of Politics: Artemis II crew say Trump “still audible on far side of moon”

Photo / Getty Images. Illustration / Greg Dixon

Greg Dixon’s weekly satirical column Another Kind of Politics runs a sharp eye over local and international politics.

Artemis II’s astronauts were forced to block their ears while travelling from the Earth to the Moon and back, NASA has revealed.

A spokesperson for the space agency said
one of the many mysteries the mission had hoped to answer this week was what space sounded like, particularly on the far side of the moon.

“It turns out we may never know. All the crew could hear, including during the 40 minutes behind the moon, was President Donald Trump raving about ‘crazy bastards’, his new ballroom, whether it was steak and fries night, the curtains in the Oval Office and something about the end of civilisation.”

Trump’s constant droning-on even kept the four astronauts awake during the first six days of the 10-day mission.

“They rang us to tell us, ‘Houston, we have a problem with sleeping ’cos of Trump’. The trouble was no one here had thought to pack some disposable earplugs for them and we couldn’t figure out what to do. Frankly, it was like Apollo 13 all over again.”

The spokesperson said the astronauts themselves had eventually found a solution. “They’d taken this giant jar of Nutella with them for a giggle. It turns out it’s not just delicious, but that if enough of it is spooned into your ears you can block out Trump as well.”

Nostradamus predicted Winston Peters holding balance of power for all eternity

Photo / Getty Images. Illustration / Greg Dixon

Researchers believe the 16th century prognosticator Michel de Nostredame – commonly known as Nostradamus – foresaw NZ First leader Winston Peters holding New Zealand’s major political parties to ransom until the end of time.

A spokesperson for a team re-examining Nostradamus’s prophesies said that this week’s Taxpayers’ Union-Curia poll showing NZ First support at a whopping 13.6% was a “terrifying sign” that Nostradamus’s more than 400-year-old prediction that Peters would be New Zealand’s political kingmaker for ever and ever was coming true.

“Nostradamus was definitely on the money with the death of Henry II, the Great Fire of London and the rise of Hitler,” the spokesperson said. “So who wouldn’t be afraid he’s got it right about Peters as well?”

There also appeared to be a reference to the same phenomenon in the Bible’s Book of Revelation, the spokesperson said.

The two Nostradamus quatrains re-examined by the team appear to confirm that Peters would be the key player in returning the National-led coalition to power after the 2026 election, and that the undying Peters would never leave government unless there was an Armageddon.

Nostradamus’s four-line stanzas that are thought to be about Peters read:

“When twice-ten and six of the century’s turn is done,

The elder of NZ First shall weigh crown against crown.

‘Listen, sunshine,’ says he, as the blue and red houses kneel,

As the woke tide recedes once more, the old fox controls the wheel.

From northern winds the undead fox returns once more,

To guard the realm as in the days and years before.

‘Listen, sunshine,’ he says, ‘none else can save this shore’

Thus ages turn, yet still he will be kingmaker evermore.”

Trump’s ego sets his dementia new deadline after threatening to bomb it back to Stone Age

US President Donald Trump’s out-of-control ego has issued a series of crazed, expletive-laden threats on the Truth Social platform apparently threatening to bomb his growing-in-strength dementia if it does not give his ego what it wants.

The first post from his ego read: “Tuesday is steak and fries night. There will be nothing like it!!! Open the F—kin’ Restaurant, you crazy bastards or you’ll be living in Hell — JUST WATCH! Praise be to Onion Rings. President DONALD J TRUMP.”

A further post from his ego said: “If you don’t surrender control of the restaurant by 8pm, I’ll bomb you back into the stone age. Praise be to KETCHUP. President DONALD J ONION RINGS.”

Hours before the deadline expired, Trump’s ego announced it would extend the deadline to his dementia for another fortnight following an intervention involving an Über Eats delivery.

Inspirational leader reassures his nation in the face of huge cyclone and worst oil shock in history

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