If you’re not posting stories and at the top of DMs, you disappear from others’ consciousness. We live in the unfortunate modern world where attention is spread so thinly that unless you’re in somebody’s face, you’re a ghost.
If you’re not visible, you’re forgotten. You don’t need to be an influencer. You just need to be present online. Post occasionally. Interact and reply. Stay in the loop. Don’t be a passive observer of others’ lives.
Mistake 2: I don’t have time or energy
Further emotional self-sufficiency ensues as real-life catch-ups become too difficult to organise. Work/home life schedules overwhelm. Mid-life energy is precious. To get into someone’s diary you need to book them three weeks from Thursday.
“I’d rather be napping on the couch on a weekend afternoon than out for a bottle of wine with mates.” This was a story I told myself often. We say we are tired, and it makes us tired. We don’t think we have spare time, so we don’t make time. All this changes when you become the instigator of plans.
Mistake 3: My partner organises my social life
As we age, we increasingly let our partners organise our social lives. Important events are booked months in advance for us. Weddings are attended, family obligations are logged, and social autopilot gets put on because nobody is sending “what you up to?” texts anymore for spontaneous hangs.
Outsourcing our social lives to our partners is a midlife hazard. It contributes to their mental load and puts a strain on the relationship, whilst also leaving you without mates of your own to confide in. When you start organising your own plans again, you remember how fulfilling an independent social life is. Yes, my spouse and I are a “unit”, but I also take time for myself. The stories when I get home are all the better for it.
Mistake 4: Work is the only friend I need
Work takes over when 40 approaches. When I climbed to management and became responsible for both others’ jobs and sustaining my own position, my time was sucked up completely. Work colleagues are friends, but those relationships are conditional. You easily find this out when you change jobs and suddenly your mutual hatred of your boss isn’t your bonding factor.
If your job becomes your only social life outside of the house, you rob yourself of a place to vent, decompress, and let go. You must ringfence time for people. Nobody else will do it for you.
Mistake 5: I’ll see them when I see them
Scheduling difficulties. Increased introversion. The desire for sleep. These small, seemingly harmless habits of our 30s lead to a lonely place. They call it the “friend recession”. According to surveys, 15% of men now have no close friends, and the percentage of men with at least six close friends has fallen by half since the 1990s, from 55 to 27%.
A few years ago, I’d let most of my close male friendships die because I decided, “I’d see them when I see them”. I thought shared history was enough to keep mates together through time and space. The result? We all stop making actual plans, and our friendships become theoretical rather than practical.
The fix: Do the work
I started putting effort back into friendships. While my school friends have largely disappeared, I’m turning gym bros into real bros by asking them to join me at the pub. I’m posting selfies on Instagram now and again, which always sparks a flurry of replies. That digital spark means real-life plans get initiated and committed to, whether they be a sauna after work or a trip to someone’s bach.
Be online and interactive. Build banter. Find ways to bond. Be brave and go on a few friend dates. Suggest a time, follow through, repeat. It’s the accumulation of effort that makes a real dent. Emotional self-sufficiency isn’t toughness. It’s avoidance. At 40, nobody is going to build new friendships for you. You either put yourself on the line, time and time again, or you quietly end up friendless.
Lee Seabrook-Suckling is an Auckland-based freelance journalist with 10 years’ experience writing for the Herald. He has a Master of Journalism in health reporting and expertise in men’s health, social change, and leadership.