In his fortnightly advice column, Viva’s resident Dining Out editor answers reader questions, sharing his expert recommendations and insider advice.
There’s a girl in my class at university who I really like. We’ve hung out a bit and it’s never really been clear whether there’s anything
going on or not. But today I asked her out to dinner and she said yes! I’ve already decided I’m taking her to Gilt, in the city. Do you have any advice?
Otis, my friend, thank you for this email.
I have dreamed of the day a young man would ask me for some dating advice and I genuinely thought I’d have to wait until my sons (currently 10 and 7) entered university before it happened. But here you are, a surrogate son, showing up fresh-faced and eager for some Daddy Mulligan wisdom. Please, take a seat while I light my cigar.
First of all, congratulations on your choice of restaurant, for which you also (perhaps unknowingly) took my advice. Gilt won “Best restaurant for a date” in our Top 50 awards last year, and it really is exactly what you want for a romantic evening for two.
Still, you are a man. There is a good chance that no matter how good the room is, you will still find a way to stuff it up. So here, for you, are my five golden rules of dating.
1. Offer her the comfy seat
More and more often in Auckland restaurants you’ll be sitting at a table with a wooden chair on one side and a lush leather booth with cushions on the other. Historically there’s been a belief that men should sit with their back to the wall, as a nod to our ancient job of looking out for threats. That’s okay if the seating is equally comfortable but when there’s an obvious disparity between the two spots on offer, the best one must go to her.
Gilt. Photo / Babiche Martens
2. When the waiter asks if you’d like still or sparkling water, say to your date “I’m happy with tap, but would you like a bottle?”
Say it with genuine curiosity; don’t say it like she’d have to be some sort of weirdo diva to say yes. If she really loves bottled water, great. But most New Zealanders are happy with tap, they just get exceptionally awkward at this moment in the meal because they worry about looking cheap. But you aren’t cheap, Otis, you’re an environmentally conscious gentleman who doesn’t judge ladies with a taste for Antipodes.
The only thing better than being interesting, is being interested. You will be tempted, I’m sure, to impress her with the many things you know about … Lord of the Rings. But you should instead focus on the epic fantasy trilogy she wants to talk about. Even better, ask about her experiences and opinions. “Where did you grow up?” is a question of fact. “In what ways is Auckland different from your hometown?” is a question of judgment. Show that you trust her judgment – after all, she’s already demonstrated exquisite judgment deciding to go out to dinner with you.
4. When she gets up to go to the bathroom, you should stand up too.
This rule has a bit of an “extra-for-experts” feel, but I promise you it’s worth it. Stand when she departs the table, and stand when she returns. You don’t need to make a big fuss, you’re just showing respect in a charmingly old-fashioned way. Still not sure? Otis, I’ve been doing this for 25 years and it’s only ever been received with delight. And actually, it has two great benefits: 1) she will think you’re a gentleman; and 2) you’ll make every other guy in the room look like a dirtbag. I’m sure you’ll agree that’s a fantastic result.
5. When the waiter asks if you’d like to see the dessert menu, answer “yes” without hesitation.
It doesn’t matter if you don’t have a sweet tooth, or you’re full, or you’re hoping to skip this course and save some money. Looking at the menu doesn’t commit you to anything, and by emphatically asking for it, you get to both demonstrate your decisiveness (attractive) and save your partner from feeling like she’s being indulgent. Guys don’t order food on behalf of their dates any more, and that’s a good thing. But this isn’t that. You’re just a generous man, saying yes to the world.
Good luck son, I’ll be there with you! Not literally, that would be weird.
What you’ve asked, and what he’s shared.