I am going to be livid if/when something happens to Mysaria.
Photo: Ollie Upton/HBO
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The House of the Dragon Scorecard is an accounting of the events of this week’s episode, “Tumbleton,” in which points are awarded to characters on a scale of 0 to 10. Points will be awarded for any or no reason.
We have reached the halfway point of the third season, and a number of things are coming into focus. Rhaenyra got what she wanted and sits on the Iron Throne, but is still inexperienced enough at ruling that she’s making sloppy mistakes. There’s a fun new villain in town, Ormund Hightower, a pompous prick with a sensitive nose and a secret prince he’s hiding away. Daemon is still doing Daemon things, this time involving a disembodied charbroiled head he’s attempting to pass off as the person responsible for another prince’s death.
All of which means the stage appears to be set for… something. A lot of plates are spinning, man. Rhaenryra’s going to find out it was Rhaena on Sheepstealer and that Daemon lied to her about it. Alys the Witch is up to something. Helaena might be pregnant. Ulf found out he can’t go to taverns anymore and it’s ruining his entire life. Everyone on this show is a little incompetent in their own special way and it’s kind of fun to try to figure out whose flaws are going to eat them alive first. It’s even more fun when that person has a dragon.
Let’s get to the points.
Rhaenyra’s crash course on the difference between “wanting to be queen” and “attempting to rule a kingdom” continues apace. She’s already spending kind of a lot of time sighing and gazing longingly at the model city her father died dreaming about, which can’t be a great sign. One of the members of her council quit and left town on a horse. Her two most trusted advisors can’t stop snipping at each other. One of them brought her a flambeed skull and plopped it on the conference table. It could be going better.
There’s also the thing where, amid all of the small and large frustrations, people in town did some graffiti about her and she reacted by sending armed guards into the streets to tear apart some homes and bash some teens in the head in front of their friends and loved ones. Really undoing that goodwill she built up mighty fast.
Two great faces this week from Alicent, a woman who has spent the entire first half of the season contorting her visage into a range of horrified emotions:
1) When Rhaenyra is talking to her about Daeron and says, “You know I would have spared him,” which is a heck of a thing to say to someone after you just decapitated their dad.
2) When she was with Helaena in their chambers and noticed something that looked suspiciously like a baby bump under her daughter’s shirt.
Her eyes are gonna pop straight out of her head and roll around on the floor one of these days.
See, this is what I mean about Daemon needing a task. You want some gold? No problem, he’ll swoop over to the Vale and get you some gold. Need to engage in a ruse to trick the Queen into believing someone else hijacked a wild dragon and got her son killed? All good, just let him roast some guy with his dragon real quick and return to the castle with an unrecognizable head to pin the blame on. Bingo bango, problem solved.
Errrrr, maybe not “solved.” That might be a little strong, especially with Rhaena still out there terrorizing the Realm’s livestock on her dragon. I suspect that’s the kind of thing that will come up again. Let’s go with “problem addressed.” But that’s an issue for Future Daemon, a man Current Daemon rarely thinks about.
There’s “wrong place, wrong time,” and then there’s “minding your business below the cave where a father just learned his estranged daughter caused the prince’s death with her unruly dragon and the aforementioned father concocts a plan to return home with an unrelated charred head to blame.”
I’m giving him two points. The guy deserves… something.
Between all the bathing and troop-quartering and c-word shouting, we learned a few things about Ormund this week:
1) He’s been raising Daeron for many years and, with Aemond and Vhagar MIA, is now scheming up a plot to make the poor kid king.
2) He’s a real pompous weasel who doesn’t especially love the idea of a woman in charge.
3) He has “a sensitivity to odors,” per Alicent, which is one of the funnier villain-related weaknesses.
It is my belief that this last factoid will result in him being undone by a smell so foul it renders him incapacitated. Call it Chekhov’s Stink.
I am still very mad at him for killing Simon but I am also, now, becoming very curious about what’s going on in that leaky castle. The last time we saw him, he was bleeding out and begging Alys for help. Now, Vhagar is nowhere to be seen and Alys is slinking around the castle answering gentlemen callers and he’s basically a ghost. The possibilities here are almost limitless. I assume we’ll find out soon. Whatever is happening, I just hope Alys is having fun.
He’s a sweet boy.
Is… is Rhaena becoming a supervillain? She’s hiding out in a lair. She’s saying lots of things about how she’s been overlooked and forgotten and is getting angry about it. She’s altered her appearance significantly. She has a weapon of mass destruction that allows her to finally feel power — or at least control — over a world that never seemed to value her.
If she starts cackling maniacally next week, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Sometimes I forget that Helaena is already a mother. Something about her screams “little kid” to me, whether it’s the innocent love of animals or the way Alicent babies her. I think that’s why, when Alicent went to help her with the little shawl and noticed what appeared to be a baby bump, my first instinct was to shout “YOUNG LADY!” like I was her dad or something.
“Whose head was that?”
I am going to be livid if/when something bad happens to her.
Aegon — I’m sorry, “Gregor” — is getting a series of lessons in humility, between cleaning toilets and getting called “Mangleface” and being forced to kiss the most disgusting shoe you’ve ever seen. A wise woman once said, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” but I don’t know if that applies to kissing gross footwear a couple days after finding the remains of your beloved dragon have been turned into a roadside attraction. Ask Kelly Clarkson if you see her.
This guy’s just throwing around pennies and lies to try to keep Aegon alive long enough that he can live in a castle again. I bet, if you got Larys drunk enough to be a little honest, he’d tell you he’s kind of having a blast right now.
So far this season, Corlys has:
— Almost died
— Watched his family home burn down
— Shouted loudly at the Queen who refused to legitimize his sons
To quote Jason Statham in the wildly underrated 2016 comedy Spy, “Sometimes a man needs to go to sea.”
When Alyn was talking to Rhaenyra as she looked at the model city, with the two of them bonding over dealing with the legacy of a strong but distant father, in the moments after Alyn half-jokingly suggested solving the city’s rat problem by introducing cats, a little voice in my head started whispering kissssssssssss.
I suspect it will only get louder.
Leading his men on a death mission because he’s got nowhere to go if he’s not fighting. I suppose I could find a more charitable way to characterize his actions this week. But, like, what’s the fun in that?
Okay, go back and watch the scene where Alys informs Gwayne and Criston that Rhaenyra took King’s Landing. Pay close attention. Look at the face Gwayne makes in that moment. It’s honestly incredible. I might watch it again now.
The countdown to Ulf doing something extremely stupid continues, this week aided by Rhaenyra telling him he’s not allowed to go to taverns anymore. He is going to pout and sulk and be a little boy about it and then, maybe, he’s going to remember he has a dragon and get an idea.
It’s not going to be a good idea.
Tick-boom… tick-boom… tick-boom…
ON ONE HAND: It is kind of nice that Hugh wants to watch over Tumbletown on his dragon, knowing his wife is there and the town is under siege.
ON THE OTHER HAND: I suspect he’s going to see another soldier make creepy eyes at her and burn down everything in sight, which is… not ideal, diplomatically.
I really enjoyed that Orwyle, fresh off retaining his title and back to providing counsel to Rhaenyra, more or less advocated for assassinating the High Septon. I’m fascinated by him. Give me a little web series that just follows him around the castle all day. I’m barely joking.
The good news for him is that he’s been elevated to the Small Council.
The bad news for him is that Mysaria is going to eat him for lunch.
Checking in with Alys:
— Got to break the news to Criston and Gwayne that Rhaenyra took King’s Landing
— Is probably hatching a secret plan involving Daemon and Vhagar
— Appears to be having the time of her life
Alys is thriving. We love to see it.
We all see where this is going, yes? They release a bunch of cats to control the rat population. The cats become too powerful, so they release a bunch of dogs to control the cats. The dogs take over the city. One of them claims a dragon. Now we’ve got a dog soaring above the city on a winged hellbeast, refusing to reason with anyone and laying waste to all of his real and perceived enemies. He’s savvy, too, this one. He knows how to play the game. The humans around him continue to flail and embarrass themselves, leaving the door ajar for a well-timed strike. Maybe his name is Dodger and he has a little spot of black fur on his nose. All hail King Dodger, First of His Name.
It’s a slippery slope. That’s my point.
Mysaria: 25
Alyn of Hull: 25
Alicent Hightower: 25
Alys the Witch: 23
Helaena Targaryen: 23
Hugh Hammer: 21
Corlys “The Sea Snake” Velaryon: 20
Rhaenyra Targaryen: 20
Ulf the White: 18
Daemon Targaryen: 17
Grand Maester Orwyle: 17
The Rats of King’s Landing: 17
Addam of Hull: 15
Larys Strong: 15
Rhaena Targaryen: 15
Baela Targaryen: 12
Ormund Hightower: 11
Ser Torrhen Manderly: 10
Ser Simon Strong: 10
Gwayne Hightower: 9
Sylvi: 9
Admiral Sharako Lohar: 9
The One Guy at Harrenhal Who Saw a Massive Fire-Breathing Dragon Swoop Toward the Castle and Reacted by Shouting “DRAGON”: 9
Daeron Targaryen: 6
The High Septon: 5
Aegon II Targaryen: 5
Fake Daeron Targaryen: 4
Otto Hightower: 2
The Poor Shepherd Daemon Torched And Said Was Sheepstealer’s Rider: 2 points
Jacaerys “Jace” Velaryon: 1
Ser Lorent Marbrand: 1
Lord Jasper: 0
Ser Criston Cole: 0
Aemond Targaryen: -100
This post has been updated to correct the name of Sheepstealer’s rider.
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