Still, your feelings of anger and unease are understandable. While the doll is artificial, the fantasy that surrounds it is real. Most of us would find it hard not to feel threatened in comparison; replaced by something that seems designed to deliver “perfect sex with a perfect body” on demand. Unlike pornography, which you can close out with a click, the doll has a physical presence. It sits in your shared space and becomes a silent third party in the marriage.
I wonder if some of your feelings might also include misplaced guilt: the thought that if your sexual interest matched his, he wouldn’t have needed his plastic paramour. While the mismatch in sexual interest is important to address, no one makes someone buy a doll any more than they “make” their partner have an affair.
It’s also worth asking how open your husband feels to expressing his needs more generally. People sometimes stop voicing preferences when they expect rejection or criticism. His secrecy may reflect conflict avoidance rather than pure deception. Still, avoiding conflict is its own form of dishonesty – and can be just as damaging over time.
Culturally, you’re far from alone in this situation. The market for sex dolls is booming, especially for men. They’re becoming cheaper, more realistic and increasingly customizable, with a global industry projected to approach US$50 billion ($87b) by the end of the decade. In one study, men who were shy or reserved were more likely to be interested in purchasing them. Your husband buying a sex doll may not reflect on your marriage alone, but on broader dynamics around desire and the difficulty many people feel in voicing it.
An opening for a talk
So where does this leave you? First, acknowledge that your feelings are understandable. Second, treat this not just as a crisis but as an opening to talk about your sex life, honesty and how both of you want to be in the marriage. Is he content with less frequent sex with you and more with the doll? Are you? Would couples or sex therapy help? What would make you feel less blindsided and more secure?
Some couples make peace with things like fantasy, pornography and sex toys – even sex outside the marriage as long as the terms are mutual and transparent. Others can’t or won’t agree to any of it. What matters most is whether the two of you can negotiate an understanding that feels honest and fair to both of you.
That’s because resilience in long-term partnerships depends less on avoiding conflict than on learning to work through it. The real test is not the form desire takes, but whether both partners can meet it with openness, respect and collaboration.
Joshua Coleman, PhD, is a clinical psychologist in California’s Bay Area, a speaker and a senior fellow with the Council on Contemporary Families. His newest book is Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict. His Substack is Family Troubles.