{"id":111285,"date":"2025-10-31T21:07:08","date_gmt":"2025-10-31T21:07:08","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/111285\/"},"modified":"2025-10-31T21:07:08","modified_gmt":"2025-10-31T21:07:08","slug":"many-women-shoulder-an-invisible-stress-at-work-one-small-habit-makes-a-difference","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/111285\/","title":{"rendered":"Many women shoulder an invisible stress at work. One small habit makes a difference."},"content":{"rendered":"

Each week, Prudence\u00a0asks readers for their thoughts<\/a>\u00a0on the letters she\u2019s received. Her reply will be available every Friday only for\u00a0Slate Plus members<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Hey Prudence,<\/p>\n

Re Guilty and Bored:<\/a> Something that\u2019s very common in professional settings\u2014especially for women\u2014is the need to put on a specific mask at work: the peacekeeper, the problem-solver, the one who keeps her own emotions in check. When the letter writer\u2019s wife comes home and talks about her day, she\u2019s probably not just recounting events; she\u2019s unmasking. Masking is exhausting, and venting is part of how she decompresses. There\u2019s one habit I would suggest implementing at home.<\/p>\n

I\u2019d suggest shifting your focus when you listen. Instead of tuning into the specifics (which you find boring), listen for the emotions underneath. She probably cares less that you remember the details and more that you\u2019re tuned in to how she feels. Is she frustrated? Annoyed? Amused? After a long day of keeping herself buttoned up, she wants to shake it off and finally relax\u2014mask-free. Matching her emotional energy, even in small ways, can make her feel seen and understood.<\/p>\n

\u2014Former Chaplain<\/p>\n

This is wonderful advice that could probably be useful beyond this situation, for the lives of many people who are regularly getting talked to death by loved ones. Of course, I\u2019ll add that it is possible for a woman to come home from work and just really want to discuss the widgets and the supply chain for the widgets. But even if that\u2019s the case, the letter writer could steer the conversation in a more meaningful direction by focusing on the feelings.<\/p>\n

Hey Prudence,<\/p>\n

Re Guilty and Bored:<\/a> I get it. My husband is an attorney in a business field, and although I wanted to encourage him to talk about his work, my mind would start to wander once he got into the technical details. I think he noticed and stopped sharing that part. But even now, years later, he still loops me in on the juicy bits of the human drama!<\/p>\n

\u2014Mandy P.<\/p>\n

An interest in human drama can really make even the most boring things in life more enjoyable. I hope the LW is as into it as you and I.<\/p>\n

\n Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don\u2018t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.\n <\/p>\n

Hey Prudence,<\/p>\n

Re Candy Isn\u2019t a Crime:<\/a> I work at a busy general dental practice, and you would not believe the number of specialists who try to woo us into sending referrals with cakes, cookies, candy\u2014you name it. Give the little gremlins some candy and a toothbrush, and rest easy knowing you\u2019re following in the proud tradition of the entire dental profession.<\/p>\n

\u2014Our Office Eats Very Well<\/p>\n

Offering both is a good plan. I didn\u2019t realize it would align with the practices of actual dentists, but even kids who really love candy are eventually going to need a replacement toothbrush.<\/p>\n

Hey Prudence,<\/p>\n

Re Double Trouble:<\/a> I\u2019m going to guess the root of the problem is that the kids are BORED\u2014and probably the only kids in the family.<\/p>\n

As families get smaller, there are fewer kids at family events. I\u2019m one of 17 grandkids on my mom\u2019s side, but I\u2019m eight years older than the next oldest cousin.\u00a0 I have two kids who, between them, have a grand total of two cousins. If my sister isn\u2019t around, my kids are the only kids there. My husband is an only child, so on his side, they\u2019re always the only ones.<\/p>\n

Maybe the LW doesn\u2019t realize how exhausting family events can be for parents of young kids. It used to be that you could throw all the cousins in a room and they\u2019d entertain each other. Now, my kids are bored because the only person they can talk to is the same person they live with and spend every waking minute with. I don\u2019t actually get to enjoy holidays or family gatherings, because I\u2019m usually the one entertaining them. If I were actually enjoying myself, it would mean my kids were running amok.<\/p>\n

So here\u2019s my holiday PSA: Please interact with the kids in your extended family! Odds are, there are only a couple of them. They\u2019re bored out of their minds and would love some attention from people they don\u2019t see often. Bonus: their parents get a break.<\/p>\n

\u2014There Are No Kids in Families Anymore<\/p>\n

Every family should have at least one person in this role. It\u2019s great when there\u2019s someone who would much rather be off somewhere with the kids than hanging out with the adults. In my family, it\u2019s my mom, and it\u2019s a win-win. The children get attention, she gets to talk to her preferred age group, and everyone else gets to have adult conversations without interruptions\u2014or hearing things breaking in the other room.<\/p>\n

Hey Prudence,<\/p>\n

I disagree with the response to Child At Heart<\/a>. I\u2019m sorry the LW didn\u2019t have trick-or-treating experiences as a kid\u2014that is truly such a bummer! But I think this is an experience for children.<\/p>\n

Adults can still enjoy Halloween in plenty of ways: go to a costume party, join a parade, host a horror movie marathon. But don\u2019t take candy your neighbors bought for kids in cute costumes. (And if you do it anyway, at least follow Prudie\u2019s advice about minimizing how much space you take up.)<\/p>\n

You can celebrate Christmas without sitting on Santa\u2019s lap; you can celebrate Halloween like a young adult, too. I\u2019m sorry that you missed out, but it\u2019s time to move on.<\/p>\n

\u2014Ella<\/p>\n

It is true that there are other options. An adult party where everyone brings candy and guests can do something approximating trick or treating would be a cute idea.<\/p>\n

Hey Prudence,<\/p>\n

Re Worried Mother:<\/a> Your advice is spot on, Prudie. I also want to add that if you reestablish contact with Patrick solely because you want him to provide financial support for Elise, it will likely confirm his worst fears. You don\u2019t say how long you\u2019ve been estranged, but it sounds like it\u2019s been a long time\u2014and during that time, it doesn\u2019t seem like you\u2019ve reached out to reconnect for the sake of your relationship with him alone.<\/p>\n

I have some experience with this, though not nearly as extreme. I worry that one day I\u2019ll be asked to support my brother, who\u2019s capable of working but doesn\u2019t, and I simply don\u2019t earn enough to support both of us. It\u2019s a painful feeling when your family looks at your finances and starts calculating what you can do for them\u2014or for their kids. Your situation is obviously more complicated, since Elise can\u2019t care for herself, but that still doesn\u2019t make it Patrick\u2019s responsibility. Just because he can afford gifts for Jamie doesn\u2019t mean he\u2019s able\u2014or obligated\u2014to support Elise indefinitely. That\u2019s an enormous ask of anyone, especially someone who\u2019s chosen distance.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Help! I Have a Dark Fantasy About My Mother-in-Law That Keeps Me Up at Night.
\n <\/a><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

My Mom Really Thinks My Kids Need Something Specific in Their Bedrooms. It\u2019s Just Not Possible, But She Won\u2019t Let It Go.
\n <\/a><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

My New Co-Workers Want to \u201cBreak the Ice\u201d With Stories About the Past. I Don\u2019t Think They Want to Hear Mine.
\n <\/a><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Help! My Wife Wants to Help the Less Fortunate on Thanksgiving. What an Awful Idea.
\n <\/a><\/p>\n

If you want to rebuild your relationship with Patrick because he\u2019s also your child, then maybe that\u2019s worth pursuing\u2014but Elise can\u2019t be part of that conversation, now or ever. Any attempt to reconnect would need to be entirely for Patrick\u2019s sake, and for yours. Otherwise, it will only reinforce the feeling that Elise\u2019s needs always come first, and that your interest in him is conditional.<\/p>\n

\u2014Struggling Sister<\/p>\n

I completely agree with this. And I do think the LW should consider trying to reconnect with Patrick, but after she has at least something approaching a plan for Elise\u2019s care.<\/p>\n

Classic Prudie<\/p>\n

I need advice on how to handle a problem that has been occurring throughout my 30-year marriage! Basically, my husband and I have very different sleeping habits. I go to bed, get 8 hours, and get up. My husband goes to bed, gets five-six hours and then catnaps throughout the day. The problem is that when he gets up at 5 or 6 a.m., he likes to return to bed with a cup of coffee, the dog, some reading material \u2026 and I can\u2019t sleep through it. He thinks I am the problem because I can\u2019t return to sleep. Today he did it again and then got really mad at me about it. He says he is exiled from his own bed. Who \u201cgets the bed,\u201d the person who is trying to sleep or the person who wishes to lie down for coffee and a book? What is the solution, as there is no extra bedroom?<\/a><\/p>\n

Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays.\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Each week, Prudence\u00a0asks readers for their thoughts\u00a0on the letters she\u2019s received. Her reply will be available every Friday…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":111286,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[35],"tags":[1665,79653,134,554,555,111,139,69,1666],"class_list":{"0":"post-111285","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-mental-health","8":"tag-advice","9":"tag-dear-prudence","10":"tag-health","11":"tag-mental-health","12":"tag-mentalhealth","13":"tag-new-zealand","14":"tag-newzealand","15":"tag-nz","16":"tag-slate-plus"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/111285","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=111285"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/111285\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/111286"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=111285"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=111285"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=111285"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}