{"id":139465,"date":"2025-11-17T12:35:06","date_gmt":"2025-11-17T12:35:06","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/139465\/"},"modified":"2025-11-17T12:35:06","modified_gmt":"2025-11-17T12:35:06","slug":"i-was-on-track-financially-then-my-husband-left-me-and-our-twins","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/139465\/","title":{"rendered":"I Was on Track Financially. Then My Husband Left Me and Our Twins."},"content":{"rendered":"

Pay Dirt is Slate\u2019s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here<\/a>. (It\u2019s anonymous!)<\/p>\n

Dear Pay Dirt,<\/p>\n

I am 45 years old. In my late 20s, I got my life together, went to nursing school, and got my bachelor\u2019s degree. When I was 37, I got married to \u201cJeremy.\u201d A couple years ago we had twins. I then took a night job, and he was planning to stay home with the kids. Then he left me.<\/p>\n

We had bought a house about a year and a half prior. I do not love this house. It\u2019s what was available, and he wanted it so we bought it. But it\u2019s fine, and I\u2019d rather keep it than look for something new. Currently, I have a good interest rate. We used his VA loan and our interest rate is about 3.8 percent. In the divorce agreement, I get the house, but if I sell it, I pay him something crazy like $25,000.<\/p>\n

Since he left, the kids have lived with me and I have been the sole financial support since then. He\u2019s been unemployed\u2014questionable if it\u2019s been on purpose, though he is now on disability. For a year-and-a-half, until he got on disability, I had to pay him $1,000 a month. He seemed to think I was freaking rich and I\u2019m not. I only bring home post-tax $6,000 a month. My mortgage is $2,100. Bills $1,000. You see where this is going.<\/p>\n

Before he left, I had amazing credit and no other debt other than student loans. (I have about $55,000 in student loan debt thanks to interest. I\u2019ve been on income-driven repayment and aiming for public service loan forgiveness, but who knows with the current situation politically. Student loans were paused for years, but now student loans have resumed which are almost $1,000 for me\u2014even on income-driven repayment.) But now I am $20,000 in debt\u2014I\u2019ve had to open a Costco credit card, a Target credit card etc. I have a 12-year-old car, and I\u2019m still solely responsible for paying for the kids.<\/p>\n

It is really important to me to maintain an amicable relationship with my ex because of how I grew up, and I know asking for child support would blow all that out of the water. Basically I feel like I bought my kids by paying him so much, but I don\u2019t know how to get out of the hole I am now. On top of that I\u2019ve had health issues, so I have not even had income coming in many months.<\/p>\n

\u2014My Financial Life Fell Apart<\/p>\n

Dear My Financial Life Fell Apart,<\/p>\n

I may be quibbling, but I don\u2019t think you\u2019re falling apart\u2014you\u2019re being systematically drained by someone who abandoned you and your children. But calling this situation \u201camicable\u201d is confusing keeping the peace with being a doormat. And the fact that you\u2019re afraid to ask for child support suggests there\u2019s more going on here than you\u2019re saying.<\/p>\n

So, let\u2019s start with that: Your children are legally entitled to financial support from their father, even if he\u2019s on disability. Disability income can be garnished for child support. What did your divorce attorney say about this? If you didn\u2019t have one before, you probably need one now. Many divorce attorneys offer payment plans or sliding scale fees. Find free or low-cost legal help through the Legal Services Corporation<\/a> or your local bar association. You can also contact your state child support enforcement office<\/a> for help filing.<\/p>\n

Your fear that filing for support will \u201cblow everything up\u201d concerns me. Are you afraid of your ex-husband? If so, that\u2019s not co-parenting\u2014that\u2019s ongoing control and intimidation. Document everything: his lack of contribution, any threatening or manipulative communication, his unemployment history.<\/p>\n

Next, you mentioned health issues severe enough that you\u2019ve had no income for months. Your twins need a healthy mom. Have you applied for short-term or long-term disability benefits through your employer or the Social Security Administration<\/a>? As a nurse, you may have disability insurance through your workplace. File those claims immediately if you haven\u2019t already.<\/p>\n

About those student loans: If you\u2019re not earning income due to health issues, contact your loan servicer immediately about economic hardship deferment or forbearance (start at StudentAid.gov<\/a>). This can pause your payments temporarily without damaging your progress toward PSLF. Don\u2019t keep paying $1,000\/month when you have no income\u2014that\u2019s what deferment is for.<\/p>\n

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Next, tap into your support system. Who in your life can help? Family? Friends? Does your house of worship have benevolence funds or support groups for single parents? Many faith communities have resources specifically for situations like yours. Your hospital or healthcare system may have employee assistance programs offering financial counseling, mental health support, or emergency funds. You can call United Way\u2019s 211 helpline (dial 211 on your cell phone or go to 211.org<\/a>) to connect with local resources including food banks, utility assistance, and childcare help.<\/p>\n

The last step is to tackle your debt. Once child support is in place, you\u2019ve tapped into other resources, and you\u2019re back on your feet, attack that $20,000 with either the avalanche method (paying off the highest interest-carrying debt first, then rolling those funds into the next highest-interest debt) or snowball method (paying off the smallest balance first, then rolling extra money into the next smallest debt).<\/p>\n

At the end of the day, your financial life has challenges, sure, but they\u2019re not insurmountable. You can, and will, rebuild. But you have to stop protecting someone who won\u2019t protect his own children. Right now, focus on your health and your children. They\u2019re watching how you handle this. Show them that standing up for yourself, and them, is what real strength looks like.<\/p>\n

\u2014Ilyce<\/p>\n

More Money Advice From Slate<\/p>\n

My immigrant parents\u00a0lived frugally and also were very lucky financially\u2014making me an heiress with a large safety net, which I dip into occasionally. Since high school I\u2019ve worked in the arts, saved, and lived largely within my means. I find joy in my work and value sustainability (buying secondhand, not wasting food, etc). What I love doing with my money is treating my friends to dinners and concerts and trips, and donating to Go Fund Me campaigns. But over the course of some relationships, friends discover there\u2019s more to me than just my frugal side and start to take advantage.<\/a><\/p>\n

Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays.\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Pay Dirt is Slate\u2019s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It\u2019s…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":139466,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[14],"tags":[1665,138,246,111,139,69,244,245,479,1666],"class_list":{"0":"post-139465","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-personal-finance","8":"tag-advice","9":"tag-business","10":"tag-finance","11":"tag-new-zealand","12":"tag-newzealand","13":"tag-nz","14":"tag-personal-finance","15":"tag-personalfinance","16":"tag-relationships","17":"tag-slate-plus"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/139465","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=139465"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/139465\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/139466"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=139465"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=139465"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=139465"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}