Parakiore is nearly as big as Ikea. Image: Christchurch City Council<\/p>\n
From my glamorous media pen smack bang in the middle of the Parakiore show courts, soon to be home to the Tactix and the Rams, I watched as glitzy celebrities like Gerry Brownlee and Matt Doocey worked the room. Two-time Olympic swimmer Anna Simsic was there, as was aerobics titan Rob Bone. MC champion of the world Stacey Morrison generously led the crowd through the meaning and pronunciation of Pah-rah-kee-aw-reh, although her valiant efforts were not enough to stop an unnamed mayor giving it the old \u201cParakeyoree\u201d mere moments later.\u00a0<\/p>\n
I caught up with Phil Mauger after proceedings, where he confirmed a vicious rumour that he had already had a private hoon on all the Parakiore hydroslides. His favourite? The trap door slide that drops you vertically into the darkness. \u201cOnce they shut the door you go \u2018is this a clever thing to be doing?\u2019\u201d he said. \u201cBut when there\u2019s a 12-year-old kid who\u2019s just done it in front of you, you think \u2018I\u2019m not going to cark out now\u2019.\u201d He also survived jumping off the five-metre diving board. \u201cThe good thing about it is, if something had gone wrong, the hospital\u2019s right across the road.\u201d<\/p>\n
The ribbon is cut several times. (Image: Alex Casey)<\/p>\n
On that note, it was time for the most fearless news outlets, aka The Spinoff and The Press, to test out the hydroslides for themselves. Had I anticipated the awkwardness of swanning about in togs in a room full of fully-clothed professionals? Of course not. The Press\u2019s Elsie Williams was savvier than I, opting for leggings and a singlet. When I am dead, please remember this: I was the only journalist in the country brave enough to get their flat pancake ass out the day the biggest indoor aquatic centre in the Southern Hemisphere opened.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Here are my rankings of the hydroslides at Parakiore. <\/p>\n
6. Kiddie slides<\/p>\n
I\u2019m not a damn baby, I\u2019m a serious adult who ate three free cupcakes before 10am, has two more in her bag, and wants a thrill goddamnit (we were not allowed to test the kiddie slides).\u00a0<\/p>\n
Don\u2019t make me LAUGH (Image: Alex Casey)
\n5. Medium speed hydroslide<\/p>\n
Here you throw yourself into a black gaping maw that eventually gives way to buzzy black and white stripes, as if one is careening at moderate speed through a zebra\u2019s colon. I counted four pretty dramatic twists, including one very long, slightly dizzying curve. Did I love every second? Yes. Are there more memorable thrills and spills to come? You bet your pancake ass there are.<\/p>\n
4. Slow speed hydroslide<\/p>\n
Perhaps controversial to rank slow higher than medium, but this was the first hydroslide I tested and I let an involuntary \u201cwoohoo\u201d almost immediately. Testing it again later in the experiment, I realised that I enjoyed the languid, contemplative pace of this one. Lie down and ponder the importance of childlike joy in your everyday life, only for the shock splash landing to leave you bedraggled and gasping. A perfect metaphor for the human experience.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n
Before and after the hydroslides
\n3. Tube slide<\/p>\n
This one would be higher if not for the indignity I suffered in the bowels of the tube slide, where you ride an inflatable ring into a turbulent, pitch black whirlpool and just have to hope you get spat out somewhere near the Pacific Ocean. I went down solo and was promptly turned around in the darkness, ejected backwards down the rest of the slide. As a result, I not only emerged in a humiliating breach position, but got stuck at the very end of the slide and was about five seconds away from the lifeguards needing to fetch a very large pair of forceps.\u00a0<\/p>\n
(Later, in a high-powered newsroom merger that not even the Media Insider himself could see coming, The Spinoff and The Press tackled the slide together in a duo tube and the experience proved to be much better shared. Probably a metaphor in that too.)\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n
An indignity, caught on camera
\n2. Fast speed hydroslide<\/p>\n
Begins with a phenomenally steep drop, not unlike the end of the log flume at Rainbow\u2019s End, which really sets a powerful pace for the rest of the slide. In fact, this is the first time I was going too fast to even muster my signature \u201cwoohoo\u201d on the journey, left to just sort of hum and smile with my eyes crossed as the zebra stripes whizzed by. The fast slide also features sections which are a calming translucent light blue, right on time for the new Avatar movie (Parakiore opens December 17, Avatar opens December 18. Coincidence?)<\/p>\n
1. Trapdoor slide<\/p>\n
Just call me the mayor of Christchurch, because this slide is MAJOR. You get a tease of it on the walk up the stairs as its near-vertical tube whizzes through a hole in the ceiling, which will make for hilarious viewing as kid after kid hurtles past at lightning speed in a reverse Augustus Gloop scenario. The entry to the slide itself finally answers the question: how did Mike Myers feel to step inside Austin Powers\u2019 cryogenic mojo chamber?\u00a0<\/p>\n
Before and after the trap door of doom.<\/p>\n
Once you step inside the giant lava lamp, the door is sealed shut and a foreboding robot voice counts you down from five. At \u201cone\u201d the trap door floor opens and you drop into the darkness, making a strained noise usually reserved for ancient mummies<\/a>. Fall into the void, let gravity take you away, and emerge reborn at the other end, gurgling at everyone to look away because you have sustained the world\u2019s worst wedgie. Perfection.\u00a0<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Alex Casey spends a morning testing the many hydroslides at Parakiore, New Zealand\u2019s new largest recreation and aquatic…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":176430,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[9],"tags":[4487,17578,492,111,139,69,113060,113061,2935,213],"class_list":["post-176429","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-sports","tag-christchurch","tag-christchurch-city-council","tag-comments-enabled","tag-new-zealand","tag-newzealand","tag-nz","tag-otautahi","tag-parakiore","tag-society","tag-sports"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/176429","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=176429"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/176429\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/176430"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=176429"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=176429"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=176429"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}