DEAR ERIC: My daughter will be 37 in a month but has never been able to completely support herself. She has a degree from a good university but is unable to keep a job for more than a year or so.<\/p>\n
She presently works as a restaurant hostess at a high-end restaurant. She has lived with her younger boyfriend for five years with no plans to marry. She has bipolar mental issues and has had substantial financial assistance from us all her adult life.<\/p>\n
When and how should we cut her off?<\/p>\n
Her boyfriend doesn\u2019t help her financially. We fear she will fall apart and become homeless. What should we do or not do? We have had years of discussions with her about becoming financially responsible.<\/p>\n
\u2013 A Worried Mom<\/p>\n
DEAR MOM: Cutting her off can look different depending on your goals and her goals. For instance, if your financial circumstances have changed and you simply can\u2019t afford it, that process is going to be a lot faster than, say, weaning her off your financial assistance so as to help her get on her feet.<\/p>\n
Hopefully, she has medical and psychological support for her bipolar disorder. This is a good place to start. Talk to her and her medical team about strategies for independent living. It\u2019s important to clearly articulate what her goals are and what your goals are and acknowledge places where they might not overlap. Your goals should be focused on what you can control, namely your finances.<\/p>\n
Your hopes for her include her taking control of her own finances, but in terms of goals that has to be something that she owns. Because her version of taking responsibility for her financial situation may look different from what you imagine. That\u2019s why it\u2019s important to enlist the help and guidance of her care team, who can also point her to other resources that will build her skills and provide a social safety net. These can be resources to which she returns throughout life.<\/p>\n
Similarly, dealing with the boyfriend\u2019s lack of support has to be a goal she owns. But by showing that you respect her autonomy and you\u2019re not the only option available to help her, you may make it easier for her to hear your guidance about this relationship.<\/p>\n
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com<\/a> or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram<\/a> and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com<\/a>.)<\/p>\n \u00a92025 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.<\/p>\n