Over time, the compounded lost sleep caused my appetite to weaken. I felt worn down after just a few hours at work, and I became more easily irritated by things that usually didn\u2019t bother me at all. That I couldn\u2019t predict when a panic attack would occur was the hardest part. I stopped taking naps. I dreaded falling asleep at night. I tried meditation apps, a sleep diet, restricting caffeine and calming apps. None of it worked, and the attacks continued. I was a single mom of three kids, balancing parenting young children with a full-time job as a speech pathologist. Sleep was already difficult to come by, but now the sleeplessness felt relentless. I began to think I might have a heart condition. Finally I made a doctor appointment. After several months and dozens of tests, I was diagnosed with nocturnal panic attacks (which I\u2019d never heard of). I was surprised to find out that such a physiological experience could be caused by a psychological diagnosis.\u00a0<\/p>\n
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Panic attacks<\/a>, characterized by primarily physical symptoms\u2014racing heart, chest pain, shortness of breath, sweating\u2014don\u2019t usually happen when the body is in dream sleep, Robert Cuyler, a psychologist who specializes in panic and PTSD, told me. But for some people\u2014like me\u2014they do. Nocturnal panic attacks are rare, but common among people who already experience regular panic attacks. Of the approximately 5% of U.S. adults<\/a> who have panic disorder (or recurrent panic attacks), 18-45%<\/a> of them have nocturnal attacks as well. (I didn\u2019t have panic attacks as a teen, but I did in adulthood.) And in the same way that people who experience daytime panic attacks sometimes come to fear whatever triggered them\u2014claustrophobia, or anxiety around bridges, for example\u2014people who experience nocturnal panic attacks can begin to fear sleep. \u201cWhen this sudden, bodily terror happens at night, it becomes a vicious cycle. Falling asleep doesn\u2019t feel safe,\u201d Cuyler said.\u00a0<\/p>\n My road to diagnosis took many months and research shows that I\u2019m not alone: Panic attack disorder\u2014whether it happens during the day or at night\u2014is often misdiagnosed.<\/a> Because\u00a0 symptoms like chest pain and shortness of breath could indicate other serious illnesses, patients like me often undergo several tests to rule out heart, respiratory, neurological or digestive system problems before even consulting a psychiatrist, research<\/a> shows.<\/p>\n Once I had a name for what I was experiencing at night, figuring out treatment was the next challenge. The strategies I\u2019d used for daytime anxiety and panic attacks\u2014naming objects in the room, smelling herbs or essential oils, breathwork\u2014required something I didn\u2019t have at night: consciousness.\u00a0<\/p>\n It wasn\u2019t until my therapist suggested EMDR\u2014eye movement desensitization and reprocessing, a therapy that uses guided eye movements to heal trauma\u2014that something finally shifted. I had been using EMDR to soothe some difficult experiences from childhood, but I didn\u2019t think it could be used to help with panic attacks. The therapy requires patients to revisit traumatic memories. But with the sleep attacks, no memories came to mind for me because nothing traumatic had happened during them. But it turns out that EMDR isn\u2019t limited to single events.\u00a0<\/p>\n Read MoreMy Turn<\/p>\n \u201cEMDR helps regulate the nervous system, which often makes it easier to fall asleep and stay asleep,\u201d said Lauren Borkowski, a certified EMDR therapist (not mine) in Colorado, describing how targeting the fear of dozing off could preemptively resolve the panic response.<\/p>\n While EMDR had helped me immensely with soothing disturbing memories from my childhood, I was skeptical of its ability to help me sleep again. But I craved that sense of safety during rest, so I decided to try.<\/p>\n After just two sessions, I started to see a shift. I woke up in the night less frequently. As the episodes reduced over time, so did my fear of falling asleep. About six months later, I accidentally fell asleep in the middle of the day for about an hour. I woke up with a jolt\u2014not from experiencing a panic attack, but from realizing that I could have had one. My partner was next to me and asked if I was OK, assuming I was working my way out of anxiety. \u201cI\u2019m actually fine,\u201d I said, relieved that I\u2019d finally been able to recharge without consequences.<\/p>\n For years, nighttime was the most vulnerable, frightening part of my life. I used to resist sleep, powering through drowsiness to a fault. I was unable to even rest during the day because I didn\u2019t want to accidentally snooze and wake up feeling worse.\u00a0<\/p>\n After a few months of EMDR, the nocturnal panic attacks almost disappeared. Now, I experience one a couple times a year, if that. They are much milder when they do happen.\u00a0<\/p>\n Over time, being able to control my energy has allowed me to be more present with my kids, more thoughtful at work, and, when it comes to vacation, power naps are my best flex. I love planning a wild, joyful day at a theme park, knowing we\u2019ll all be able to zonk out for a while after lunch and truly enjoy the evening festivities. It\u2019s easy to take good sleep for granted, but for me, having control over this part of my life again feels like nothing short of a miracle.\u00a0<\/p>\n Asha Dore is a journalist and illustrator working on a book about crime and class in Florida. Find her on Instagram <\/a>or www.AshaDore.net<\/a>.<\/p>\n All views expressed in this article are the author’s own.<\/p>\n Do you have a personal essay you want to share with Newsweek? Send your story to MyTurn@newsweek.com.<\/p>\n