{"id":195125,"date":"2025-12-21T17:13:07","date_gmt":"2025-12-21T17:13:07","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/195125\/"},"modified":"2025-12-21T17:13:07","modified_gmt":"2025-12-21T17:13:07","slug":"2025s-dubious-achievement-awards-nz-herald","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/195125\/","title":{"rendered":"2025\u2019s Dubious Achievement Awards – NZ Herald"},"content":{"rendered":"

The Diseased Lung in a Jar for services to the tobacco industry goes to film-maker TAIKA WAITITI for celebrating his 50th birthday in Ibiza in August with platters and bowls of cigarettes and \u201cTaika\u201d branded matches.<\/p>\n

\n We know fan favourite Waititi\u2019s preferred mode combines broad winks, his tongue in both
\n cheeks, virtual air quotes, insouciant shrugs and ceaseless deadpannery, but still. Those things kill people! Can\u2019t wait until some ambitious local acting luvvies with Hollywood dreams call him out on it.\n <\/p>\n

\"CigaretteCigarette daydreams: Taika Waititi was the host with the most at his 50th birthday bash. Photos \/ Getty Images<\/p>\n

The Apocalypse Now Platinum Rotorblade for Services to PTSD goes to Neighbours of the Year ALI WILLIAMS and ANNA MOWBRAY, who won approval in June for their helipad in residential Westmere.<\/p>\n

Thwap, thwap, thwap, thwap, thwap, thwap, thwap, thwap, thwap \u2026 We come to you live from the formerly peaceful water-side streets of Westmere to present the award for \u2026 What? I SAID WE COME TO YOU LIVE FROM \u2026 thwap, thwap, thwap \u2026 No good? Maybe we could do it with sign language? \u2026 thwap, thwap, thwap \u2026 Like those neighbours over there. They\u2019re waving, but not using all their fingers \u2026<\/p>\n

The Gilt-Edged Certificate for, er, Certificates goes to the NCEA SYSTEM for lasting more than two decades without us ever really understanding it.<\/p>\n

Excellence! As they almost used to say on Wayne\u2019s World. The government\u2019s ditching the system that replaced School Cert, Sixth Form Certificate and Bursary, ushering out an era of grades \u2012 Excellence (yay!), Merit (good for you!) and Achieved (Mmm \u2026) \u2012 along with a confusing jumble of levels, credits, unit standards, achievement standards, specified criteria, endorsements and much, much more. Education Minister Erica Stanford reckons the thing has been \u201cgamed\u201d, with ad hoc credits dished out for empty achievements. Despite that sounding like pretty good preparation for how the real world works, a proposed new system is on its way, with new certificates (shock!), marks out of 100 and grades from A to \u2013 oof \u2013 E that will make better sense to parents, even those who got only Achieved. Let the gaming begin.<\/p>\n

The Compulsory Counselling Certificate and Testosterone Top-Up for Aggressive Mouthiness by Stale, Pale Males is awarded to Hutt Valley yob and cabinet minister CHRIS BISHOP and fiery redhead and euphonium player DON MCGLASHAN for their row at the Aotearoa Music Awards in May.<\/p>\n

Quiet flows the Don? Not on this night, when McGlashan and Bishop went toe-to-toe like a couple of embarrassing uncles rehearsing old grievances during a family celebration. To be fair, Stan Walker has to carry some of the blame: Toit\u016b Te Tiriti flag wavers prominent during his big number seemed to trigger Bishop, who called the performance \u201cperformative\u201d (say what?). That kicked off this scintillating exchange (as best as we can recreate it from what the duelling duo later told RNZ):<\/p>\n

Bishop: \u201cWhat a load of crap.\u201d<\/p>\n

McGlashan: \u201cAh, shut up you dickhead.\u201d<\/p>\n

B: \u201cWhat did you say to me?\u201d<\/p>\n

M: \u201cShut up you dickhead.\u201d<\/p>\n

B: \u201cI could say the same to you.\u201d<\/p>\n

M: \u201cWell, I wasn\u2019t talking and you were.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sparkling repartee? No, just confirmation that prickly old blokes never miss a chance to make it all about them.<\/p>\n

\"StanStan Walker’s performance at the Aotearoa Music Awards proudly displayed his M\u0101ori heritage, to Chris Bishop’s chagrin. Photos \/ Getty Images<\/p>\n

The Dorian Gray Award for Best Nickname Revealed in a High Court Hearing goes to TVNZ\u2019s THOMAS \u201cBABY-FACED ASSASSIN\u201d MEAD. Grizzled veterans of print journalism would struggle to recall any colleague who could go by \u201cBaby face\u201d. Ferret-faced, yes. Hatchet-faced? Definitely. Not to mention slack-jawed, pot-bellied, rheumy-eyed and jug-eared. But Mead, from the more appearance-conscious world of television, definitely qualifies. Even under intense cross-examination by a Talley\u2019s Group KC during a defamation trial over his reporting, when texts using the \u201cBaby face\u201d soubriquet were revealed, Mead\u2019s countenance remained that of a precocious 12-year-old. And we really didn\u2019t want to give this award to \u201cPolky\u201d Polkinghorne.<\/p>\n

The Ray Winstone Fake Knuckle Dusters for Pretending To Be Well-Hard Pommy Geezers go to the mob of AUCKLAND FC ultras who surrounded a Wellington Phoenix team bus, delaying its arrival ahead of a February derby at Mt Smart.<\/p>\n

Okay, it hasn\u2019t always been easy being a soccer \u2013 sorry, football \u2013 fan in New Zealand. All those hours alone in their bedrooms engaging in long-distance bantz about English teams (\u201cNo, you\u2019re a plastic!\u201d) clearly took a toll. But with two Kiwi teams in the A-League, here they come, streaming into the daylight, cosplaying their long-incubated fever dreams of pwopa, leery, knuckle-dragging fanaticism. One of them even had a blue flare. Bless.<\/p>\n

\"AucklandAuckland FC fans were perhaps a touch too spirited when it came to the opposing team. Photo \/ Getty Images<\/p>\n

The Back to the Future Award for Unashamed Regression goes to FONTERRA for its brave new focus on the commodity business.<\/p>\n

It seems like only yesterday that all the business johnnies were banging on about the primacy of brands and the wonderful world of gate-to-plate. So pardon our confusion over Fonterra\u2019s decision, confirmed in October, to sell off its global consumer businesses \u2013 including brands such as Anchor, Mainland and K\u0101piti \u2013 to French giant Lactalis. No surprise that Fonterra\u2019s perspective (that switching focus will bring in more moolah) has been expertly and copiously presented across all platforms. Who needs brands when you\u2019ve got commodities and the very best comms all that milk powder can buy?<\/p>\n

The Ian Foster-New Zealand Rugby Deadly Nightshade Bouquet for Industrial Relations goes to NETBALL NEW ZEALAND and DAME NOELINE TAURUA in recognition of their 51-day stand-off.<\/p>\n

Hard to blame this one on the stale males! Even though one or two men were drawn into the row that led to national coach Taurua being stood down and later reinstated, the key figures were surely the coach herself, her players and Netball NZ chief executive Jennie Wyllie. Between them, their guarded utterances contributed to swirling speculation and scatter-shot scapegoating on the socials, not to mention an atmosphere that seemed to range from Kafkaesque to Orwellian and back again. But never mind, they\u2019re all going to play happy families next year \u2013 promise.<\/p>\n

The Waxed Paper Bag for Services to Nausea is awarded to the INTER-ISLAND FERRY ARATERE at the end of a chequered career.<\/p>\n

Even as she was recently farewelled, destined to be broken up for scrap in India, mention of the Aratere\u2019s name made us feel a bit queasy. Not really her fault, but many an Aratere pie was consumed in sheltered waters only to reappear in Cook Strait proper. She also had her share of engine failures and other incidents over the years (being dubbed \u201cEl Lemon\u201d early on in reference to her Spanish construction). She once dropped a propeller mid-strait and last year suffered the indignity of running aground shortly after leaving Picton. Now, after much political argy-bargy, she and her stablemates are to be replaced by a pair of new vessels built in a Chinese military shipyard. What could possibly go wrong?<\/p>\n

\"NothingNothing but problems: The Inter-Islander ferry Aratere returned to port in Aotea Quay, 2014, after undergoing multi-million dollar repairs for a lost propeller. Photo \/ Getty Images<\/p>\n

The Plain Old Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor Disappearing Medal for a Foolish Foray into TV goes to the NEW ZEALAND POLICE for giving documentary crews behind-the-scenes access to the hunt for Tom Phillips and his children.<\/p>\n

Much worse was to come regarding the rot at police headquarters, of course, but this one also went down like an Aratere pie. The police, remember, failed to find Phillips and his children for nearly four years, leaving the latter in the care of a man their minister later described as \u201ca monster\u201d. And they\u2019re engaged in vanity projects? The police apparently retained final approval over what would be screened, which only adds to the impression of a hierarchy obsessed with the \u201coptics\u201d ahead of your actual policing. When an inquiry was announced looking at whether all practical steps were taken to protect the children, an acting deputy commissioner was moved to declare, \u201cWe recognise the significant public interest in this matter \u2026\u201d No shit, Sherlock.<\/p>\n

The Strictly Ballroom Mirror Ball for Services to Heritage Dance Moves goes to Crusaders\u2019 coach ROB PENNEY for cutting a rug in the dressing room after his side\u2019s Super Rugby Pacific triumph in June.<\/p>\n

Yes, the Crusaders won again after a rare dud year in 2024, but for the non-Cantabs unenthusiastic about that storyline, residual interest centred on whether Penney would attempt a celebratory breakdance in the style of his predecessor, Razor Robertson. As raucous revelry erupted and a soundtrack was provided by the beating of wheelie bins, the spotlight eventually fell on the coach. Would he spin on his head? Do the splits? At least try a kangaroo hop like Australian Olympian Raygun? Nope, nope and nope. Caressing the trophy with convincing ardour, he proceeded to foxtrot it around the room like some 1930s gigolo, before throwing in a dip with strong tango vibes. This wasn\u2019t what anyone was expecting. Much like that time he called Baby face Mead a c—.<\/p>\n

\"HeadHead Coach Rob Penny and players celebrate the win over the Chief’s in the dressing room. Photo \/ Getty Images<\/p>\n

The Run It Straight Commemorative Brainscan for Gratuitous Violence goes to the short-fused TAKAH\u0112 and bad-tempered TUATARA who went at it on Tiritiri Matangi sanctuary.<\/p>\n

Can\u2019t we all just get along? Conservationists might be big fans of Kumbaya and hugging it out but it seems some of the fauna they love so much can be right nasty bastards. In a stoush captured on a Department of Conservation ranger\u2019s phone, a takah\u0113 attacked a tuatara\u2019s tail, setting off a scrap in which the reptile \u201cgot a couple of bites in\u201d before the bird retreated. Ominously, the ranger reckoned it \u201cshows what\u2019s possible in the future if we \u2026 bring more of our native wildlife back\u201d. Oh, great, nature red in tooth and claw surging out of the bush for bloody exchanges on every street corner. And you thought the Queen St homeless were putting a dampener on tourism?<\/p>\n

The World\u2019s Smallest Gong for Non-Joined-up Thinking By a Bureaucracy goes to the bellends at the MINISTRY FOR CULTURE AND HERITAGE, which oversaw $10 million in repairs to the national war memorial bell tower in Wellington but plans to lay off the only person who plays the bells.<\/p>\n

Ask not for whom the bell tolls but for who the hell decided that the carillonist (it\u2019s a thing), Timothy Hurd \u2013 40-year veteran player of the tower\u2019s 74 bells \u2013 should be lined up for the heave-ho the same week they are due back in service next year. Will Anzac Day have to be marked by the sound of heads being knocked together?<\/p>\n

The George Harrison All Things Must Pass Philosophy Prize goes to THE MAN who swallowed a $33,000 pendant in central Auckland\u2019s Partridge Jewellers in late November.<\/p>\n

\u201cMerry Christmas, Darling! I got you this Faberg\u00e9 James Bond Octopussy Egg locket. Smells like Dettol? We might need to discuss the provenance \u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

The Special Edition Octopussy Vaginal Egg for Random Cultural Cherry-picking goes to Hollywood actress and Goop magnate GWYNETH PALTROW. <\/p>\n

Paltrow claimed in a recent podcast that she and Chris Martin (singer, not cricketer, apparently) had a \u201cM\u0101ori divorce ceremony thing\u201d to formalise their separation after 11 years of marriage. \u201cIt was weird,\u201d she added, with not quite the degree of solemn respect we might have expected in the circumstances. She would know \u201cweird\u201d, of course, having sold a few vaginal eggs in her time, but isn\u2019t it just a bit strange the \u201cM\u0101ori divorce\u201d didn\u2019t get a mention when the pair announced their famous \u201cconscious uncoupling\u201d back in 2014? Must have been keeping it classy.<\/p>\n

\"GwynethGwyneth Paltrow, left, and Chris Martin pictured in 2014 prior to their ‘conscious uncoupling’. Photo \/ Getty Images<\/p>\n

The Dish Best Served Cold Silver Platter goes to beacon of economic positivity CHRISTCHURCH, for allegedly outshining sad old Auckland.<\/p>\n

Talk about a tale of two cities. Christchurch is booming, its population swelling with hordes of refugees from up north, while flash-Harry Auckland has this year languished in the economic doldrums. Has anyone warned the southerners about developing dangerously high levels of smugness in the bloodstream?<\/p>\n

The Rocket Lab Prize for Dangerous Levels of Ingenuity in the Bloodstream goes to the YOUNGSTERS IN AUCKLAND\u2019S AVONDALE seen transporting a couch on two Lime scooters.<\/p>\n

Affordable, low-carbon emissions, entertaining for onlookers \u2013 this ticks so many boxes. We can\u2019t believe one of the Auckland business incubators hasn\u2019t recruited this pair already. Your move, Christchurch. <\/p>\n

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