{"id":196591,"date":"2025-12-22T15:57:10","date_gmt":"2025-12-22T15:57:10","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/196591\/"},"modified":"2025-12-22T15:57:10","modified_gmt":"2025-12-22T15:57:10","slug":"gaslighting-can-mar-holiday-gatherings-heres-how-to-identify-avoid-it","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/196591\/","title":{"rendered":"Gaslighting can mar holiday gatherings. Here\u2019s how to identify, avoid it"},"content":{"rendered":"

Gaslighting in your family can be disguised with loving and caring messages that seem to demonstrate warmth and interest. Your aunt may ask: \u201cDid you find that special someone yet? You know, you could talk to a professional about how to date,\u201d leaving you feeling insecure and second-guessing yourself.<\/p>\n

Gaslighting can also be overtly aggressive and intimidating. For instance, your dad may say: \u201cStop pretending you don\u2019t know what a disaster your life choices have been. How many times do you need to be reminded of all the mistakes you\u2019ve made?\u201d<\/p>\n

What triggers gaslighting<\/p>\n

Before letting this psychological manipulation turn a festive dinner into a battlefield of emotions, stop to consider the possible triggers that might bring out the gaslighting within your family.<\/p>\n

In families, there are often years \u2013 if not decades \u2013 of context constantly informing interpersonal dynamics, and specific situations expose gaslighting behaviours more than others.<\/p>\n

Disagreements tend to bring out a gaslighter\u2019s certainty and need for superiority. They will insist that their reality is the way the world works, the way people should behave and the way you should think and feel.Disappointments may also lead gaslighters to guilt or shame to control your behaviour or choices. They will deflect responsibility \u2013 \u201cIf you hadn\u2019t done X, I wouldn\u2019t have reacted that way\u201d \u2013 and create an emotional imbalance because it is easier to blame you than\u200b to take responsibility for their own actions.In families with established hierarchies, some members may resort to gaslighting to regain a sense of control when they feel anxious or threatened.Cultural factors such as loyalty to family can surface these behaviours, too. A gaslighter may resort to manipulation to enforce familial expectations.<\/p>\n

While you cannot control how others show up for the holidays, you can control your response to them. Take stock of the context and factors before rushing to reply in contentious conversations with a gaslighter. Be present, listen\u200b and extend grace, but also give yourself permission to pivot conversations as needed. In doing so, you can better centre curiosity and compassion \u2013 for yourself and other witnesses \u2013 in how you choose to respond or not respond.<\/p>\n

How to counteract gaslighting<\/p>\n

Here are some suggestions that have helped our patients.<\/p>\n

Be proactive<\/p>\n

Think about the cast of characters before you attend a gathering. Identify possible triggering interactions or topics of conversation, and limit your contact with those who may foster negative interactions.Think ahead about who you want to spend time with. You don\u2019t have to interact with those who activate you. A simple, \u201cgreat to see you\u201d might be enough.Identify your go-to strategies. Meditate on your best self as you picture how you\u2019ll manage difficult moments. Remember, you can always opt out of the gaslighting or a combative conversation.Accept that you may need to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Some interactions may leave you feeling unmoored and destabilised for the moment \u2013 or more.<\/p>\n

Modify in the moment<\/p>\n

In the moment, call up your best self and a touch more grace and understanding.If things get hot or overly emotional, shift the conversation to more neutral territory.If someone activates a guilt complex in you, remind yourself that their behaviour is their problem, not yours.Remember it\u2019s okay to end the conversation altogether, pivot to a separate conversation or walk away if it is heading into a gaslighting vortex.If you feel you can\u2019t opt out, lean in and attempt to lead the conversation. Be curious about your could-be gaslighter.<\/p>\n

Reflect and learn<\/p>\n

Afterward, take some time to reflect on how the day went. The former patient who had asked how to enjoy the holidays with their family in the face of gaslighting found that planning contributed to a better experience than they expected.If certain strategies or tactics proved particularly helpful for you, then these insights can serve as valuable lessons to apply in future family interactions.<\/p>\n

Gaslighting can overshadow the warmth and joy of family get-togethers, but with awareness and effort, we can nurture healthy interactions and opt out of unhealthy ones. We can approach this holiday season with gratitude for the opportunity to invest in and nourish relationships.<\/p>\n

Robin Stern, PhD, is the co-founder and senior adviser to the director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, a psychoanalyst in private practice, the author of The Gaslight Effect and the host of The Gaslight Effect podcast.<\/p>\n

Marc Brackett, PhD, is the founding director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, a professor in the Child Study Center at Yale, lead developer of RULER, an evidence-based approach to social and emotional learning, and the author of Permission to Feel.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Gaslighting in your family can be disguised with loving and caring messages that seem to demonstrate warmth and…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":196592,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8],"tags":[17094,121483,9218,3021,198,23788,3185,156,8231,2109,75618,6437,121482,26098,189,221,33491,296,702,63004,121481,5978,111,139,69,1361,61,90807,664,10119,1959],"class_list":["post-196591","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-entertainment","tag-avoid","tag-battlefield","tag-before","tag-bring","tag-can","tag-consider","tag-emotions","tag-entertainment","tag-event","tag-family","tag-festive","tag-gaslighting","tag-gatherings","tag-heres","tag-holiday","tag-how","tag-identify","tag-into","tag-it","tag-letting","tag-mar","tag-might","tag-new-zealand","tag-newzealand","tag-nz","tag-that","tag-to","tag-triggers","tag-turn","tag-within","tag-your"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/196591","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=196591"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/196591\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/196592"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=196591"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=196591"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=196591"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}