{"id":198414,"date":"2025-12-23T18:29:07","date_gmt":"2025-12-23T18:29:07","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/198414\/"},"modified":"2025-12-23T18:29:07","modified_gmt":"2025-12-23T18:29:07","slug":"a-psychologists-guide-to-navigating-a-new-zealand-family-christmas","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/198414\/","title":{"rendered":"A psychologist\u2019s guide to navigating a New Zealand family Christmas"},"content":{"rendered":"

We asked Dr Kate MacKrill, health psychologist and University of Auckland lecturer in health psychology<\/a>, how to handle some of these common dilemmas around the holidays. Here are her tips for navigating your family Christmas.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m juggling work and travel and can\u2019t spend a lot of time with my family this Christmas. How can I manage their expectations?<\/p>\n

The key here is prioritising the quality over quantity of time with family. Clear communication is important for setting expectations, including your own. These conversations need to be had before Christmas Day, so you\u2019re not walking through the door with your laptop already saying, \u201cI can\u2019t stay long\u201d.<\/p>\n

Explain you\u2019ll be arriving or leaving on particular dates\/times, or that you will need to block out some hours for work while you\u2019re there. <\/p>\n

Think about how you can spend your time in the most meaningful way, such as prioritising a particularly important family tradition. Maybe you can\u2019t see family at all and instead want to pencil in a proper catch-up at a less-hectic time.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s the first Christmas since a major life change in our family. How can we navigate this?<\/p>\n

There will be a lot of these \u201cfirsts\u201d after a major loss, a personal or life-changing event. I remember the first Christmas after the deaths of two family members in the year. We kept expecting them to walk through the door at family lunch saying, \u201cSorry I\u2019m late\u201d. Also, because this is considered the \u201cfun and festive\u201d time of the year, people think they can\u2019t mention a person who has died, and that doesn\u2019t help.<\/p>\n

This time of year can bring a lot of painful reminders, but also reflection. It\u2019s helpful to acknowledge this Christmas won\u2019t feel \u201cnormal\u201d and that\u2019s okay. Don\u2019t force it to be normal and you could even lean into the non-normalcy.<\/p>\n

If someone has died, how would you like to include them in the day? Maybe lighting a candle or displaying their photo. Or you might want to change the Christmas tradition completely. Maybe the idea of the usual sit-down dinner with an empty chair is too painful, so switch to a casual event instead.<\/p>\n

If there\u2019s been a falling out in the family, try to focus on the people who are there and why you\u2019re there. Or if there\u2019s a risk of something kicking off, there need to be some non-negotiable ground rules for the Christmas ceasefire.<\/p>\n

\"DrDr Kate MacKrill is a health psychologist and University of Auckland lecturer in health psychology. Photo \/ Supplied<\/p>\n

Some of my extended family members have different political views from me and are vocal about it. How can we spend time together without arguing?<\/p>\n

No one is going to come out the winner in a political argument on Christmas Day. You can\u2019t control what people say, but you can control how you respond. Maybe your sign of victory is keeping a sense of calm and control or de-escalating any tension.<\/p>\n

If you have vocal family members, have some neutralising responses ready that show you\u2019ve heard them, even if you don\u2019t agree, like \u201cHmm, that\u2019s a thought\u201d, and then pivot to a non-controversial yet engaging topic: \u201cWhat do you think about \u2026” or \u201cWhere\u2019s your favourite beach or holiday spot\u201d?<\/p>\n

I\u2019m worried about the mental health of a friend or family member I\u2019m seeing this Christmas. How can I support them?<\/p>\n

Christmas can be overwhelming and isolating, and the stress can really exacerbate mental health<\/a> struggles. If you\u2019re concerned about a friend or family member, the best thing they can know is you\u2019re an open and non-judgmental support.<\/p>\n

Gently reach out and acknowledge the situation. Not with a vague \u201cHow are you?\u201d that lets people reply with \u201cGood\u201d. Instead, something that lets them feel understood: \u201cI know things have been tough and Christmas can be stressful, so I was wondering how you were feeling?\u201d<\/p>\n

When it\u2019s someone we really care about, we have a tendency to put our \u201cfix-it\u201d hat on. Instead, the most helpful thing can be to listen.<\/p>\n

How can I stop myself from reverting to my teenage self or embracing old family dynamics when I arrive home for the holidays?<\/p>\n

The first and most helpful step is often simply being aware of old patterns and recognising when they\u2019re playing out. What role do you always fall into? The peacemaker? The angsty teen?<\/p>\n

By knowing your triggers and noticing when you\u2019re falling into these roles, you have more ability to consciously decide not to play into them. For this, and lots of confronting Christmas situations, try the STOPP strategy:<\/p>\n

Stop \u2013 pause what you\u2019re doingTake a breathObserve \u2013 pay attention to your thoughts and feelingsPull back \u2013 consider the situation from a broader viewpointProceed \u2013 decide on the most appropriate response\"YourYour in-laws may have different traditions when it comes to gifting at Christmastime.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m bringing my new partner along to their first Christmas with my family. How can I help them navigate it?<\/p>\n

All families have quirks and these are apparent to a new partner at their first family Christmas! <\/p>\n

Explain the general vibe of the Christmas event \u2013 is your family talkative or reserved, is there an unspoken dress code, what\u2019s the gifting situation, are there any specific traditions. <\/p>\n

You don\u2019t need to create a full dossier on every family member, but a brief background can be helpful. Are there any similar interests between your family members and partner that could be a good icebreaker and conversation starter on the day? <\/p>\n

Also, act as the conduit between family and a new guest to avoid initial awkwardness and make it enjoyable for everyone.<\/p>\n

My in-laws\u2019 Christmas is different from my family\u2019s. How do I deal with that?<\/p>\n

Variety is the spice of life! Your in-laws\u2019 Christmas traditions aren\u2019t \u201cwrong\u201d, they\u2019re just different. That\u2019s a helpful mindset to take in and be open to the experiences, respectful and ideally, appreciative.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m experiencing financial stress in the lead-up to Christmas. How can I manage people\u2019s expectations on gifts and contributions to costs?<\/p>\n

Christmas is an expensive time of year and, coupled this year with a financially tough time, that makes for a lot of stress. <\/p>\n

I\u2019m not saying get rid of presents, Christmas dinner or your usual celebrations, but it\u2019s important to discuss with your family about how you can keep the Christmas magic without perhaps having to buy a gift for 20 family members; or it falling to one person to buy and prepare the feast. <\/p>\n

For example, lots of families have switched to a Secret Santa and potluck meal. Once again, communication is key, so agree in advance what you\u2019ll do this year, so there are no surprises or embarrassment on the day.<\/p>\n

I struggle with my relationship with food and\/or alcohol at Christmastime \u2013 how can I prepare for the season?<\/p>\n

If you struggle with your relationship with alcohol or food, then Christmas is the perfect storm. It\u2019s not called the silly season for no reason when there\u2019s a general theme of indulgence. <\/p>\n

An important thing is to show yourself some kindness. The goal isn\u2019t to be perfect \u2013 that would probably be setting yourself up for failure and disappointment. Instead, aim to get through with your self-esteem intact. <\/p>\n

Focus on what you want out of the festive season \u2013 to connect with family or friends, to wind down with colleagues after the year \u2013 and hold this at the centre of what you do. And if you feel stressed, use the STOPP strategy above.<\/p>\n

More practically, be prepared to be a broken record when you\u2019re asked if you want more food or another drink \u2013 people stop asking if they\u2019re constantly met with \u201cno thanks, I\u2019m good\u201d. <\/p>\n

Statistics show New Zealanders have really embraced the move to lower and non-alcoholic beverages, so mix these into your celebrations and summer events. Having a few activities or games also takes the focus off eating and drinking, and you\u2019re sure to feel better the next day.<\/p>\n

Have a plan for what you are going to drink or eat, but also savour it. When we slow down and pay more attention to what we\u2019re putting into our body, we enjoy it more, it tastes better, and we get satisfied faster, compared with mindlessly eating and drinking.<\/p>\n

\"ChristmasChristmas can be tricky to navigate if you’re not drinking alcohol.<\/p>\n

How can I look after my mental health and avoid overwhelm during the holidays?<\/p>\n

We often put a lot of pressure on ourselves at Christmas. We\u2019re not usually the \u201cperfect\u201d version of ourselves at the best of times, but for some reason we expect this of ourselves at Christmas \u2013 that we\u2019ll be a super-host, amazing chef, social butterfly, Santa\u2019s elf, all while wrapping up the work and school year when everything suddenly becomes urgent, plus squeezing in a summer holiday. <\/p>\n

And then we come out the other side and wonder why we feel stressed, exhausted, and like the festive season was a blur.<\/p>\n

You don\u2019t need to turn into a Zen Buddhist monk doing an hour-long meditation three times a day. Instead, practise what\u2019s called informal mindfulness \u2013 rather than constantly being on autopilot, bring your attention back to the present moment without judgment. This can be as small as making a cup of tea and instead of letting your mind wander to your to-do list, using all your senses to notice the smell, colour, temperature and, eventually, taste of your tea. <\/p>\n

I guarantee you\u2019ll feel calmer and it will be the best cup of tea you\u2019ve had.<\/p>\n

Gratitude is another helpful practice. Our brain has a tendency to focus on the negatives in life (evolutionarily, it helps keep us safe) and sometimes we have to consciously remind ourselves of the positives. <\/p>\n

At the end of a stressful day, note down three things you\u2019re grateful for \u2013 friends or family, your partner, the sunshine, your pet, the funny joke you heard, the good coffee you had \u2026 anything big or small. It\u2019s a perfect little reset to do in the holidays.<\/p>\n

Bethany Reitsma is a lifestyle writer who has been with the NZ Herald since 2019. She specialises in all things health and wellbeing and is passionate about telling Kiwis\u2019 real-life stories.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"We asked Dr Kate MacKrill, health psychologist and University of Auckland lecturer in health psychology, how to handle…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":198415,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[32758,5432,18399,832,2109,4522,228,2956,5829,97679,117,111,43,139,69,5353,55114,20501,61,379,80],"class_list":["post-198414","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-new-zealand","tag-anything","tag-between","tag-christmas","tag-countdown","tag-family","tag-feel","tag-guide","tag-holidays","tag-many","tag-navigating","tag-new","tag-new-zealand","tag-news","tag-newzealand","tag-nz","tag-period","tag-psychologists","tag-relaxing","tag-to","tag-year","tag-zealand"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/198414","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=198414"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/198414\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/198415"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=198414"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=198414"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=198414"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}