Let us know your favourite absurdities in the comments below.<\/p>\n
Led Zeppelin \u2013 Stairway to Heaven (1971)\u2018And did you know\/ Your stairway lies on the whispering wind?\u2019<\/p>\n
Tap\u2019s masterpiece is, of course, Stonehenge. But they weren\u2019t the first band to major in quasi-mystical bulls–t. The 1970s were awash with this nonsense, from Ronnie James Dio\u2019s paeans to wizards and temples in Rainbow to Black Sabbath\u2019s fairies wearing boots.<\/p>\n
But you\u2019ve got to hand it to this lot, who married sub-Tolkien fantasy with occultism and came up with one for the ages. \u201cAnd it\u2019s whispered that soon if we all call the tune\/ Then the piper will lead us to reason\u201d. Really? Yep, Stairway to Heaven deservedly kicks off this list. \u201cAnd did you know\/ Your stairway lies on the whispering wind?\u201d Oh. Nowhere near Dudley, then.<\/p>\n
Elton John \u2013 I Am Your Robot (1982)\u2018I\u2019ve been beaming aboard her for a light year\u2019<\/p>\n
One of the highlights of Spinal Tap II is when Elton John gives his all to an arena-stage rendition of Stonehenge \u2013 finding (deeply) hidden depths in the lyrics of the song. Not altogether surprising, when you consider what Elton has been prepared to put his heart and soul into in the past.<\/p>\n
Take this number from the tail-end of his late 1970s\/early 1980s doldrums. It had been five and a half long years since John and lyricist Bernie Taupin had written Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word when they came up with this one. \u201cI\u2019ve been beaming aboard her for a light year\/ From a strange craft\/ She\u2019s got a subtle touch on the silver key\/ To a clockwork heart\u201d, sings Elton and somehow \u2013 somehow \u2013 makes it sound good. Just listen to the way he sings \u201cstraaaange craft\u201d \u2013 now that\u2019s commitment to a lost cause. Or maybe just a brazen attempt to divert our attention from \u201cbeaming aboard her\u201d.<\/p>\n
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Elton John gives his all to an arena-stage rendition of Stonehenge in Spinal Tap II<\/p>\n
AC\/DC \u2013 Big Balls (1976)\u2018It\u2019s my belief that my big balls should be held every night\u2019<\/p>\n
Yes, it\u2019s tongue in cheek, but still worth a spin. \u201cI always fill my ballroom, the event is never small\/ The social pages say I\u2019ve got the biggest balls of all. [Chorus] I\u2019ve got big balls, I\u2019ve got big balls\/ They\u2019re such big balls, and they\u2019re dirty big balls\u201d.<\/p>\n
OK, we get the idea. \u201cMy balls are always bouncing to the left and to the right\u201d. Yes, we get it. \u201cIt\u2019s my belief that my big balls should be held every night\u201d. Enough. Blame Angus Young, Malcolm Young and Bon Scott for this one. And Benny Hill. \u201cI\u2019m just itching to tell you about them.\u201d Stop.<\/p>\n
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Australian hard rock band AC\/DC pictured in 1976 – Michael Putland\/Getty Images<\/p>\n
U2 \u2013 Get On Your Boots (2009)\u2018Hold the big revelations\/ I got a submarine\/ You got gasoline\/ I don\u2019t want to talk about wars between nations\u2019<\/p>\n
For some, Bono has been channelling his inner Tap for decades, but he surpassed himself here. Borrowing a little musical something from Elvis Costello\u2019s Pump It Up, the song sadly takes nothing from Costello\u2019s lyrical genius.<\/p>\n
Where the latter wrote: \u201cShe said that\u2019s that, I don\u2019t wanna chitter-chat\/ Turn it down a little bit or turn it down flat\u201d. Bono essays, \u201cThat\u2019s someone\u2019s stuff they\u2019re blowing up\/ We\u2019re into growing up\/ Women of the future\/ Hold the big revelations\/ I got a submarine\/ You got gasoline\/ I don\u2019t want to talk about wars between nations\u201d. Tap that.<\/p>\n
Toto \u2013 Africa (1982)\u2018I know that I must do what\u2019s right\/ Sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti\u2019<\/p>\n
Proof that reaching for profundity can easily lead to doing yourself a mischief. This abiding soft rock classic lifts its eyes to the gods \u2013 and ends up awkwardly doing the splits. The lyrics were written by the band\u2019s keyboardist and principal songwriter David Paich.<\/p>\n
Blessing \u201cthe rains down in Africa\u201d and musing that it\u2019s gonna take a lot to drag him away from the object of his passion \u2013 either the love interest arriving by plane that night or the continent itself \u2013 Paich leans too far into a metaphor to express the immovability of his conviction: \u201cI know that I must do what\u2019s right\/ Sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti\u201d.<\/p>\n
Which, given that the mountain\u2019s mighty peak can only be seen from the far eastern end of the Serengeti on the clearest of days, doesn\u2019t sound that certain. And that\u2019s the divine Olympus, with its palaces shining above the clouds, is it? Oh, we know what he means.<\/p>\n
Oasis \u2013 Champagne Supernova (1995)\u2018Slowly walking down the hall, faster than a cannonball\u2019<\/p>\n
\u201cSlowly walking down the hall, faster than a cannonball\u201d. What\u2019s to be said? Written by Noel Gallagher and sung aloud by roughly 1.4 million people \u2013 and a guy in a parka and desert boots \u2013 on the band\u2019s recent reunion tour, the simplicity of this can hardly be bettered.<\/p>\n
As TS Eliot wrote in a 1929 essay about Dante: \u201cGenuine poetry can communicate before it is understood.\u201d Which is just well, because in this case, that\u2019s almost certainly going to be never. Perfection.<\/p>\n
Van Halen \u2013 Why Can\u2019t This Be Love (1986)\u2018Only time will tell if we can stand the test of time\u2019<\/p>\n
Spinal Tap may have given us the sublime Tonight I\u2019m Gonna Rock You Tonight, but even they must have cocked an envious eye at this wordplay from 1980s rock giants Van Halen. The American rockers truly knocked it out of the park with their first single to feature new singer Sammy Hagar, as he belts out: \u201cOnly time will tell if we can stand the test of time\u201d.<\/p>\n
Hagar put voice to it, but the whole band shared the songwriting credit for this one, and it doesn\u2019t get much better from there. \u201cNo, I can\u2019t recall\/ Anything at all\u201d, roars Hagar later. Just as well Sammy, just as well.<\/p>\n
Rainbow \u2013 Man on the Silver Mountain (1975)\u2018I\u2019m a wheel, I\u2019m a wheel\/ I can roll, I can feel\u2019<\/p>\n
Anyone who loves the Ronnie James Dio-era Rainbow will know that the former singer from American rock band Elf (and future replacement for Ozzy in Black Sabbath) can make any old guff sound profound.<\/p>\n
And he starts as he means to go on with the opening lines of track one, side one, of debut album Ritchie Blackmore\u2019s Rainbow, the band\u2019s first single. \u201cI\u2019m a wheel, I\u2019m a wheel\/ I can roll, I can feel\/ And you can\u2019t stop me turning\u201d, he bellows. Never intended to, Ronnie, but hey, roll on, man. Eat your heart out, Tufnel and St Hubbins.<\/p>\n
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The original line-up of British rock group Rainbow in Los Angeles in 1975 – Fin Costello\/Redferns\/Getty Images<\/p>\n
The Beatles \u2013 She\u2019s a Woman (1964)\u2018My love don\u2019t give me presents\/ I know that she\u2019s no peasant\u2019<\/p>\n
No wonder the members of Spinal Tap panic about whether to salute Paul McCartney like a head of state when they are joined by the Beatle for a rendition of their early number Cups and Cakes in Spinal Tap II. (\u201cCups and cakes\/ Cups and cakes\/ I\u2019m so full my tummy aches\u201d).<\/p>\n
The flourish that McCartney airs on the B-side of I Feel Fine, \u201cMy love don\u2019t give me presents\/ I know that she\u2019s no peasant\u201d is exactly the sort of thing that must have inspired Tap to their lyrical heights. For the writer of Eleanor Rigby, though, it might simply be seen as preparation for a lifetime of bringing forth lines like \u201cThe choir of children sing their song\/ Ding dong, ding dong, ding dong, ding\u201d.<\/p>\n
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Paul McCartney makes a cameo in the highly anticipated sequel to 1984\u2019s cult classic Spinal Tap<\/p>\n
Yes \u2013 Close to the Edge (1972)\u2018Don\u2019t surround yourself with yourself\u2019<\/p>\n
Oh yes. Yes. How about \u201cMountains come out of the sky \u2013 and they stand there\u201d? Or \u201cDon\u2019t surround yourself with yourself\u201d? Or even: \u201cA seasoned witch could call you from the depths of your disgrace\/ And rearrange your liver to the solid mental grace.\u201d<\/p>\n
If you were going there \u2013 and I am \u2013 you might go as far as to say that pretty much every line Yes singer Jon Anderson ever wrote would have graced Spinal Tap\u2019s undocumented prog era. That last one\u2019s just the opening couplet of an 18-minute wonder. Jon\u2019s barely getting started.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe time between the notes relates the colour to the scenes\/ A constant vogue of triumphs dislocate man, so it seems\u201d, he sings in the \u201cSeasons of Man\u201d section. \u201cAnd space between the focus shape ascend knowledge of love \/ As song and chance develop time, lost social temperance rules above\u201d. Aah, well, it rhymes. Magnificent.<\/p>\n
Deep Purple \u2013 Highway Star (1972)\u2018Ooh, she\u2019s a killing machine\/ She\u2019s got everything\/ Like a moving mouth\/ Body control and everything\u2019<\/p>\n
Tap have never been shy of a sexual metaphor \u2013 the cruder the better, as in Sex Farm: \u201cWorking on a sex farm\/ Trying to raise some hard love\/ Getting out my pitch fork\/ Poking your hay\u201d. But let\u2019s face it, rock music is full of this stuff. And not just rock, either. Check out Katy Perry\u2019s \u201cSay the right thing, maybe you can be\/ Crawlin\u2019 on mе like a centipedе\u201d. (I know, I know, it\u2019s a simile.) Some of the crudest are too crass for this list, but others are tilling precisely the sort of fertile ground that Tap were harvesting.<\/p>\n
Take this one, from the mighty Deep Purple, in a song that starts with a panegyric to a car. A car, right \u2013 got it? Then it slip-shifts to this, \u201cNobody gonna have my girl\/ She stays close on every bend\/ Ooh, she\u2019s a killing machine\/ She\u2019s got everything\/ Like a moving mouth\/ Body control and everything\u201d. It\u2019s not a car.<\/p>\n
Judas Priest \u2013 Turbo Lover (1986)\u2018I\u2019m your turbo lover\u2019<\/p>\n
It didn\u2019t stop there with the cars and motorbikes and sex, either, as Judas Priest were at pains to make clear. \u201cThen we race together, we can ride forever\/ Wrapped in horsepower, driving into fury\/ Changing gear I pull you tighter to me\/ I\u2019m your turbo lover\u201d. It\u2019s not a motorbike.<\/p>\n
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Turbo lovers: Judas Priest performing in 1986 – Paul Natkin\/Getty Images<\/p>\n
Marillion \u2013 Charting the Single (1988)\u2018Plastered in Paris\/ I\u2019ve had an Eiffel\u2019<\/p>\n
Reliably Tap-like at times, but especially so on this under-appreciated B-side, Marillion\u2019s lead singer Fish unashamedly takes a run at lines that are a sort of Interrail trip through the very worst puns that Europe has to offer. Before making an escape from his first city break destination on the midnight train, Fish sings of \u201cSlow French kissing with the dauphin\u2019s daughter\/ If I fall in love now I\u2019ll be floating in Seine\/ Plastered in Paris\/ I\u2019ve had an Eiffel\u201d. That\u2019s how you do it.<\/p>\n
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Marillion\u2019s lyrics can be reliably Tap-like at times: Fish and the band performing in 1988 – Pete Still\/Redferns<\/p>\n
Mot\u00f6rhead \u2013 Killed by Death (1984)\u2018The only time I\u2019m going to be easy\u2019s when I\u2019m\/ Killed by death\/ Killed by death\/ Killed by death\u2019<\/p>\n
There\u2019s a straightforward allusion to \u201cmy snake\u201d earlier in the song, and a less straightforward one to \u201cmy lizard\u201d in this stone-cold Mot\u00f6rhead classic but the triumph is the chorus, in which Lemmy snarls that he ain\u2019t gonna be \u201ceasy\u201d, oh no. \u201cThe only time I\u2019m going to be easy\u2019s when I\u2019m\/ Killed by death\/ Killed by death\/ Killed by death\u201d. And by easy, he means\u2026 oh god, I don\u2019t know. The Tap themselves couldn\u2019t have topped it. Killed by death? No chance. Immortal.<\/p>\n
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Killed by death? The Tap themselves couldn\u2019t have topped Mot\u00f6rhead\u2019s lyrics – Fin Costello\/Redferns<\/p>\n
Iron Maiden \u2013 The Rime of the Ancient Mariner (1984)\u2018The Mariner kills the bird of good omen\/ His shipmates cry against what he\u2019s done\u2019<\/p>\n
Samuel Taylor Coleridge\u2019s majestic long-form ballad is condensed into the form of a 13-minute heavy metal epic, but there\u2019s just a faint suspicion that some of the poetry has been lost.<\/p>\n
Take this: \u201cThe Mariner kills the bird of good omen\/ His shipmates cry against what he\u2019s done\/ But when the fog clears, they justify him\/ And make themselves a part of the crime\u201d, which sounds suspiciously as if bassist Steve Harris had been clearing out his old bedroom and come across a slowly yellowing pile of Third Year homework. Still, only another 12 minutes and seven verses to go\u2026<\/p>\n
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Dave Murray and Adrian Smith of Iron Maiden rocking on stage in 1984 – Paul Natkin\/Getty Images<\/p>\n
Spinal Tap II: The End Continues is in cinemas now<\/p>\n