Enter alt-folk-pop artist Role Model, aka Tucker Pilsbury. Even if you couldn\u2019t pick him in a police line-up, you will likely have heard his song \u2018Sally, When The Wine Runs Out\u2019, a gooey country singalong about a fleeting fling with a vino-downing heartbreaker named Sally. What began as a chance to brings his fans onstage for a boogie \u2013 always summoned by the utterance \u201cwhere\u2019s my Sally tonight?\u201d \u2013 has now morphed into a star-studded phenomenon of extremely famous dancing Sallys<\/a>, including Charli xcx, Natalie Portman, Kate Hudson and Olivia Rodrigo.\u00a0<\/p>\n With Role Model set to play Auckland\u2019s Laneway festival at 5.30pm on February 5, the countdown is now on to discover who, or what, Tucker Pilsbury has planned for his Sally attack on New Zealand fans. While he could take the coward\u2019s way out and steal a Sally from elsewhere in the lineup (my money would be on Benee for this \u2013 The Dare has already done it<\/a>, Lucy Dacus seems too cool for it and Chappell would surely be too much of a spoiler), we must dare to dream that will get a special \u2018Sally\u2019 cameo from a homegrown or homegrown adjacent star.\u00a0<\/p>\n Here are the most viable Sally options.\u00a0<\/p>\n Lorde<\/p>\n Lorde will likely be back in Aotearoa right on time for Sally o\u2019clock, with her Ultrasound tour kicking off in Auckland less than a week after Laneway. Could be good promo, could also be an affront to good taste and decency for her to front up as a \u2018Sally\u2019 after she failed to appear during the \u2018girl, so confusing\u2019 remix at Laneway last year. I will not forget Charli xcx warbling \u201cshe\u2019s not heeeeeEEErrree\u201d into her autotune mic as long as I bitch walk<\/a> this Earth.\u00a0<\/p>\n Christopher Luxon<\/p>\n As seen in this grim attempt to invite Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce to get married in New Zealand<\/a>, our prime minister is not afraid to chase after a viral moment or trend, especially one he has absolutely no business being involved in<\/a>. One eagle-eyed reader pointed out that Christopher Luxon is clearly using his 2026 Summer Playlist on Spotify to send a powerful bat signal straight to Tucker Pilsbury. The message? Fix the basics and make me the Sally.\u00a0<\/p>\n Suzanne Paul<\/p>\n I\u2019ve got two words to say to you: Blue Monkey<\/a>.\u00a0<\/p>\n Suzy Cato<\/p>\n I\u2019ve got eight words to say to you: Dancing With The Stars 2018 cast announcement video<\/a>.\u00a0<\/p>\n Jacinda Ardern<\/p>\n She doesn\u2019t have to prep for the Adelaide Writers Festival<\/a> anymore, plus we know that Jacinda Ardern already has a history with the festival. It was 12 years ago that she DJed for Laneway crowds as their Chucks sizzled into the Silo Park concrete, her cover-heavy set<\/a> including Beyonce & Andre 3000 doing \u2018Back to Black\u2019 and The Mint Chicks tackling \u2018She\u2019s a Mod\u2019. We also know that she can do a little dance, as per when she reportedly \u201cdid a little dance<\/a>\u201d.<\/p>\n As the face of the New Zealand summer for so many years, the former supermodel would be a thrilling addition to the Sally line-up. We know that she can move thanks to her unforgettable turn as Stacy\u2019s Mom<\/a>, and she\u2019s also back in the public consciousness after being cast in I\u2019m A Celebrity\u2026 Get Me Out of Here<\/a> across the ditch. Just don\u2019t give her the microphone, otherwise we will be doing breathing exercises<\/a> until the wine well and truly does run out.\u00a0<\/p>\n Rita Ora\u00a0<\/p>\n And sadly she thinks she is once again performing at the final of the Rugby World Cup<\/a>.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n The Dancing Ikea Meatball<\/p>\n Ikea is under the pump in Aotearoa with customer support centres closing down<\/a>, issues with delivery delays<\/a>, and fears around their terrifying flammable pine forests<\/a>. What the flatpack giant really needs right now is to bring the narrative back to what we all love about Ikea, which is their enormous velour meatball mascot dancing to \u2018Lil Boo Thing\u2019 or, in this case, \u2018Sally When the Meatballs Run Out\u2019.\u00a0<\/p>\n Tina from Turners<\/p>\n It\u2019s not just that Tina from Turners can dance<\/a>, but her arrival onstage would basically be like the second coming of Christ for all those Gen Z\u2019s in the crowd who still believe she is dead<\/a>.\u00a0<\/p>\n James Cameron<\/p>\n The Laneway crowd roars as James Cameron excitedly rips off his Fox jersey to reveal another Fox jersey<\/a>. He then rips that Fox jersey off to reveal a morph suit which, thanks to cutting edge Augmented Reality Na\u2019vi technology, reveals itself to be yet another Fox jersey. Oh shit, here we go again, indeed.\u00a0<\/p>\n Jason Momoa<\/p>\n You ever get the feeling that Jason Momoa is just\u2026 lurking behind you at all times? It\u2019s because he basically is. \u201cI\u2019m just waiting for you guys to let me in,\u201d Momoa told 1News<\/a> last year of his obsession with Aotearoa. \u201cI saw in one of your newspapers we brought in like $1.3 billion in the last year and a half so like, well! If that doesn\u2019t get you citizenship, I don\u2019t know what does!\u201d Could dancing to Sally be what seals Momoa\u2019s billion dollar ticket to residency? With Minecraft 2 set to start filming in April, and Momoa talking up a storm about New Zealand again just last week<\/a>, I will be keeping my eyes peeled for an unregistered droptop<\/a> outside the VIP tent for sure.\u00a0<\/p>\n Desiree the sensual potato lady<\/p>\n As Tara Ward so astutely observed in 2023, the most glamorous New Zealander of them all is a 40-year-old potato named Desiree<\/a>. \u201cHer lashes are long and her brows thick, but most unusually for a potato, she has two arms draped in long black opera gloves \u2013 because tatties are nothing if not classy,\u201d she wrote. \u201cOne elegant limb is raised in a genial greeting, while the other rests seductively on her sweet potato rump.\u201d Please don\u2019t go falling in love, indeed.\u00a0<\/p>\n Chl\u00f6e Swarbrick\u00a0<\/p>\n Western Springs Park is right on the boundary of Auckland Central, which makes it the domain of electorate MP and Green co-leader Chl\u00f6e Swarbrick. If the number of brat green \u201cWoke Lesbo\u201d T-shirts in the crowd last year<\/a> were anything to go by, a Swarbrick Sally coming out onstage and doing a hectic number of dabs<\/a> would likely bring the house down.\u00a0<\/p>\n Sally Ridge<\/p>\n The one, the only\u2026 SALLY!!!!!!<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
DJ Jacinda Ardern at the Laneway Festival on 27 January 2014 in Auckland, New Zealand (Photo: Fiona Goodall\/Getty Images)
\nRachel Hunter<\/p>\n<\/p>\n