\u201cYeah,\u201d I said. \u201cI have no idea how many there have been. Multiple.\u201d The attempts blur together in my mind. <\/p>\n
Tim reached for my hand. I clutched his. The resident\u2019s steel eyes seemed to saw through my skull. \u201cHave you ever had strong beliefs that other people said didn\u2019t make sense?\u201d <\/p>\n
\u201cFive years ago,\u201d I replied. \u201cI\u2019d stopped my antipsychotic cold turkey because I hated the weight gain.\u201d I did my best to describe the delusions that had traumatized me. <\/p>\n
\u201cYou thought you were being recruited by the CIA?\u201d the resident asked. \u201cAnd your dad was a criminal mastermind trying to kill you?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d I sound batshit crazy. <\/p>\n
I\u2019d been shattered by psychosis\u2014 how could I ever be whole enough to bring a child into the world? <\/p>\n
The supervising psychiatrist entered. We discussed how I\u2019d resumed the antipsychotic medication, how it had stabilized me and made my happy, healthy life possible. <\/p>\n
\u201cMa\u2019am, I have a duty to say this,\u201d the doctor said, his brown eyes gentle in a way the resident\u2019s hadn\u2019t been. \u201cVery little is known about this medication in pregnancy.\u201d But, he added, \u201cIt seems to cause miscarriages in rats.\u201d<\/p>\n
Like many antipsychotics, my medication, one of the second generation of atypical antipsychotics developed after the initial discovery of Haldol and Thorazine in the 1950s, hadn\u2019t been well studied in pregnancy, he said. Some research<\/a> links atypical antipsychotics to miscarriage; other studies<\/a> find no risk. <\/p>\n For me \u2014 as for so many women \u2014 the dangers of stopping the medication outweighed any potential risk to a baby, he told us. Pregnancy with a psychotic disorder isn\u2019t just complicated by the illness itself, but by the gaps in care and the lifestyle challenges that so often come with it. I faced heightened odds <\/a>of developing gestational diabetes, having a preterm birth or delivering an infant with low birth weight. More research was desperately needed, the doctor continued, especially since women with schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder become mothers at roughly the same rate as everyone else<\/a>.<\/p>\n Tears began to run down my cheeks. Tim rubbed my back. His touch couldn\u2019t comfort me.<\/p>\n The psychiatrist threw his hands wide. \u201cSo many women in our hospital who are on these medications have beautiful babies. But there\u2019s a risk.\u201d<\/p>\n I developed mental illness as a teenager and attempted suicide for the first time when I was 21. In the following years, I suffered breakdown after breakdown, until, at age 30, when I stopped my antipsychotic and spiraled into delusions, I received a new diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder. My parents sought guardianship and moved me to a group home.<\/p>\n But I was resilient. I became medication compliant, moved home and found volunteer work that transitioned into a job. I started running and competed in 5Ks. Seeing my progress, my parents eventually terminated the guardianship. Later, I earned a master\u2019s degree and bought my first home. <\/p>\n I met Tim when I was 34. He was intelligent and funny, gentle and stable \u2014 and we fell head over heels for each other. With him, I hoped to start a family. <\/p>\n During our engagement, on a bright spring day, the daffodils\u2019 yellow stars strewn profusely across the lawn, I told my dad that Tim would make a good father. <\/p>\n \u201cAnd you\u2019d make a wonderful mom, honey,\u201d he told me. \u201cI wouldn\u2019t have said that even two or three years ago, but you\u2019ve proven me wrong. I couldn\u2019t be happier.\u201d<\/p>\n Of course, I worried about passing on my illness. Children of parents with severe mental illnesses have a 1 in 3 chance<\/a> of developing a psychotic or major mood disorder by adulthood. Schizoaffective disorder manifests in late adolescence, so I wouldn\u2019t know for nearly two decades whether I had passed on my condition. <\/p>\n Tim and I discussed the possibility that sleep deprivation and stress might cause me to destabilize. We also talked about the long-term implications if I required hospitalization during our child\u2019s formative years. Tim once said to me, \u201cI\u2019m scared I\u2019ll have to take care of two people \u2014 you and a baby.\u201d <\/p>\n I knew support would be crucial. I investigated doulas and child care and enlisted a commitment to help from my parents. I planned to leave my full-time job and work part-time from home. I also took comfort from the examples of friends with mental and physical disabilities who were wonderful parents. They told me that parenting was both the hardest thing they\u2019d ever done and the most rewarding. <\/p>\n Research demonstrates that even people with conditions as serious as mine can make great parents. An eight-year study<\/a> cited by the American Psychological Association found that the adult children of parents with various disabilities generally showed high self-esteem and had positive childhood experiences. <\/p>\n At the clinic, the specialist outlined a plan: I\u2019d gradually taper off several of my medications to prepare my body for pregnancy, while remaining on the vital antipsychotic.<\/p>\n Later, back in our apartment, Tim and I talked and talked, weighing the potential risk to my mental health, as well as the risk of miscarriage. We decided to go for it. <\/p>\n In April 2020, after the first taper had begun, I found myself sobbing over the sweet potatoes I was slicing for dinner. I could only think of lying down and letting an overdose-induced sleep close over my head forever. <\/p>\n Once again, I willed my own death. But this time, I fought. In what has been my only hospitalization in the past nine years, I checked myself into a local behavioral health unit and sobbed myself to sleep. Knowing that I desperately needed to stabilize, I resumed the medication. At that point, I was in no shape to become a mom. <\/p>\n \u201cTim once said to me, \u2018I\u2019m scared I\u2019ll have to take care of two people \u2014 you and a baby.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n In the years that followed, I researched adoption from foster care and domestic infant adoption. Tim and I attended orientations, and I made endless cold calls to adoption agencies to ask if they would consider facilitating an adoption by a woman with a history of psychiatric hospitalization. Receptionists hung up. I became more strategic. They still hung up. <\/p>\n Finally, on a late autumn afternoon in 2024, a social worker leveled with me: My severe psychiatric history meant that no agency would adopt to us, despite my years of stability. <\/p>\n The reproductive health needs of women with severe mental illnesses are complex and still largely go unmet<\/a>. But we\u2019re not the only ones for whom the need for reproductive psychiatry is pressing. In pregnancy or postpartum, 1 in 5 women<\/a> will experience a psychological disorder. More than 13%<\/a> of all pregnant women take psychotropic medication, and about 1 in every 100 pregnancies<\/a> is exposed to atypical antipsychotics. <\/p>\n In winter 2025, Tim and I returned to the university\u2019s perinatal psychiatry clinic, where the specialists gave us good news: None of my medications were clearly contraindicated. Not even the antipsychotic, though its effects on pregnancy remained mysterious. I made an appointment to get my IUD removed. <\/p>\n By early spring, I felt nauseous. My stomach cramped so badly I clutched a heating pad. My breasts grew larger, and the nipples changed color. <\/p>\n It was too soon for a pregnancy test. Still, my primary care doctor said it was possible to have all these symptoms at such an early stage of pregnancy. I was excited. At home, I smiled into Tim\u2019s eyes: \u201cI think you\u2019re going to become a dad.\u201d<\/p>\n Days later, my period started. <\/p>\n I was sure I had been pregnant. But as the days passed, I worried how I would react if I miscarried again. Could I handle more loss? Or would I spiral until I lost myself? <\/p>\n Throughout that winter and early spring, I\u2019d had nightmares that I gave birth to a child with a psychotic disorder or landed myself back in a psychiatric inpatient unit. I wanted to be brave enough to go out and grab the beautiful life I craved, but deep down, I was terrified.<\/p>\n I reflected on the miracle that Tim and I already shared a happy, stable home. And I was healthy. My mom said to me, during one of the long phone conversations we had that spring, \u201cMeggie, you can choose wellness.\u201d <\/p>\n I valued my health even more than my dream of motherhood, I realized. I could choose my own wellness \u2014 and wellness would make attaining other dreams possible. Tim and I held each other as I told him I didn\u2019t want to put myself through another try. <\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s all right, Meggie,\u201d he whispered back, smoothing my hair. <\/p>\n Photo courtesy of Meg LeDuc<\/p>\n There are other ways to nurture besides motherhood. On a recent family vacation, I stacked alphabet blocks with my 4-year-old niece, my twin brother\u2019s daughter, into words she read aloud: \u201ccar,\u201d \u201cballoon,\u201d \u201cbanana.\u201d Her 18-month-old brother bumped a toy truck against my shin. Vroom, vroom. I smiled down at my tiny niece and ruffled her hair. <\/p>\n \u201cIt spells \u2018girl\u2019!\u201d she crowed. <\/p>\n Looking at her, my heart breaks. But it also sings. Most times, I take joy in my gorgeously good little life: me, my husband, our brood of rescue kitties. As time goes on, its goodness only grows. Where I once wished for death, I found a desire to live. I gave up my hope of having a baby, but still created the beautiful life I\u2019d dreamed.<\/p>\n If you or someone you know needs help, call or text 988 or chat 988lifeline.org<\/a> for mental health support. Additionally, you can find local mental health and crisis resources at dontcallthepolice.com<\/a>. Outside of the U.S., please visit the International Association for Suicide Prevention<\/a>.<\/p>\n Do you have a compelling personal story you\u2019d like to see published on HuffPost? Find out what we\u2019re looking for here<\/a> and send us a pitch at pitch@huffpost.com.<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"The interview started out gently, with a mutual \u201cHow are you?\u201d But it turned probing when the medical…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":248207,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[35],"tags":[23568,1054,134,554,555,111,139,69,1581],"class_list":{"0":"post-248206","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-mental-health","8":"tag-adoption","9":"tag-disability","10":"tag-health","11":"tag-mental-health","12":"tag-mentalhealth","13":"tag-new-zealand","14":"tag-newzealand","15":"tag-nz","16":"tag-psychosis"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/248206","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=248206"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/248206\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/248207"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=248206"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=248206"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=248206"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}![\"The](\"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/01\/696133cf1400006835791613.jpeg\")
The author and her husband pictured during their engagement in 2018.<\/p>\n![\"The](\"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/01\/696133651400006435791611.jpeg\")
The author relaxes with her cat Zooey at home in 2021.<\/p>\n