Estrangement is not unique to the rich and famous, however. Amanda Cox, registered psychotherapist at Auckland City Therapy, says she\u2019s seen many examples of it in her decades-long career.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ve worked with a lot of estrangement over the years in various forms. It has become much more of a thing [in] the last five to 10 years,\u201d she tells the Herald.<\/p>\n
That might be because there is now \u201cmuch more visibility\u201d for this issue.<\/p>\n
\u201cPerhaps there\u2019s been more validating or legitimising of separation, but it\u2019s no easy path for anybody, any party involved. There\u2019s so much shame in there and so much loss and so much anger.\u201d<\/p>\n
There are different ways of describing types of estrangement, she says.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe lingo out there is \u2018no contact\u2019, \u2018low contact\u2019, which basically describes how much communication there is.<\/p>\n
\u201cFamilial estrangement is when it happens in families and it\u2019s often between parents and children, but it\u2019s also between siblings.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cox says there are two main reasons people cut off contact from a parent or child. One may be that the adult child doesn\u2019t feel safe with their parent.<\/p>\n
\u2018I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders\u2019<\/p>\n
Alex* is estranged from her father since realising, through therapy, that he is a \u201ctrademark narcissist and sociopath\u201d.<\/p>\n
\u201cMy childhood was full of manipulation, fear, verbal and, at times, physical abuse,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n
\u201cI grew up long before I should have had to as I tried to protect my mother and my siblings. But I remember even as a really young child being hellbent on never letting him \u2018break\u2019 me.\u201d<\/p>\n
In her 20s, Alex says she saw a therapist who helped her process these experiences, and eventually broke contact with her father. <\/p>\n
\u201cMessages from my father or visits would still send me into a spin that I would spend days bouncing back from. I cut him off at various points in my 20s and finally for good in my early 30s. <\/p>\n
\u201cI felt a weight lifted off my shoulders, not having to worry about contact from him or what he was going to do to throw turmoil into my life.\u201d<\/p>\n
When she became a mother, this became even more important to her, she says.<\/p>\n
\u201cI had an opportunity to be the person I wish I had looking out for me as a child. By cutting him off, as hard as that\u2019s been at times, I make sure that the cycle ends with me and my child\u2019s childhood will be a happy and safe one.\u201d<\/p>\n
Empathy and understanding<\/p>\n
Another reason for estrangement is simply that the adult child feels that their relationship with their parent \u201cisn\u2019t okay for one reason or another\u201d, Cox says.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe inability to communicate that and work it out is where the main problem lies.\u201d <\/p>\n
In the case of Prince Harry and King Charles, \u201cif you can\u2019t really listen and really empathise with someone when they\u2019re challenging you or they\u2019re upset with you, then it\u2019s really hard to repair\u201d, she says.<\/p>\n
\u201cI suspect it\u2019s difficult for them to talk, for each to be listening without being defensive.\u201d <\/p>\n
Auckland City Therapy offers counselling specifically for estrangement, which Cox says is \u201calong the same lines\u201d as other forms of therapy. <\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s about empathy and understanding. I will see parents that have been estranged from their children. I see children that want to estrange adult children. And the same things apply \u2013 empathy is really needed, empathy and understanding, in that relationship that\u2019s struggling.\u201d <\/p>\n
She often sees people who are wanting to estrange because they feel they have tried everything to repair the relationship, but the other party isn\u2019t able to listen or self-reflect.<\/p>\n
\u201cOr maybe both aren\u2019t. I suspect it doesn\u2019t start at a certain moment. I think it goes right back to, how does this family communicate through challenges and conflict and difficulty?<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd if that\u2019s never really been worked out, of course there\u2019ll be problems when the big stuff happens. It\u2019s just difficult. So therapists can be really helpful around that.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cox wants to offer people a chance to be listened to and validated. <\/p>\n
\u201cI often meet siblings together. I will often encourage, \u2018let\u2019s see if we can get this other person in. Let\u2019s make time to meet individually and then together and see if we can try and understand and get each of you to hear each other\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2018Grief and shame are the two biggest things\u2019<\/p>\n
There is a grieving process with estrangement, regardless of who initiated it, Cox says.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s definitely tough on both sides. There\u2019s a huge amount of grief. Getting in touch with that is difficult, because there can often be a lot of anger and resentment. <\/p>\n
\u201cGrief and shame are the two biggest things. Maybe it\u2019s getting easier now because there\u2019s more conversation about [estrangement], but a lot of people don\u2019t understand. They\u2019re like, \u2018come on, she\u2019s your mother\u2019, or \u2018come on, she\u2019s your daughter, why can\u2019t you just …\u2019 It\u2019s not as easy as that, it\u2019s complex.\u201d<\/p>\n
In the Beckhams\u2019 situation, there is the added element of a shift in the family dynamic that comes with a new relationship or marriage, and the introduction of an in-law.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s that time where we naturally start to differentiate,\u201d Cox says. <\/p>\n
\u201cThat idea of \u2018to be myself, I had to step away\u2019. It\u2019s often around marriage, it\u2019s around children, it\u2019s around those two things, often, when you start to see your family from a distance as well. <\/p>\n
\u201cBut you need to understand why, otherwise it often recreates in the next generation. It often follows through generations of estrangements.\u201d<\/p>\n
That\u2019s why in some situations, she will encourage people not to completely close the door to any form of contact in future.<\/p>\n
\u201cNot because I think that there\u2019s a need to repair at some point, but you just don\u2019t know how the future is going to end up. You don\u2019t know when you might need each other or when you might see things from a different angle, so I think it\u2019s good not to burn all the bridges. But I can totally understand just having to look after yourself.\u201d <\/p>\n
When to get help<\/p>\n
For someone struggling with that parent-child dynamic, when should they seek some outside help? <\/p>\n
\u201cWhen they know it\u2019s a problem, I would be looking at getting some help around it and some understanding,\u201d Cox says.<\/p>\n
She advises looking for a therapist who has experience with estrangement to ensure you\u2019re on the same page. <\/p>\n
\u201cI think it\u2019s always good to check [and ask] \u2018do you work with estrangement? What\u2019s your take on it?\u2019 before you settle in with a therapist.\u201d<\/p>\n
For a parent facing estrangement from a child, she says it\u2019s helpful to understand what might be getting in the way of trying to repair the relationship.<\/p>\n
\u201cIs it that they\u2019re being defensive? Is it that they\u2019re not listening? Maybe they\u2019ve never known really how to do that, to listen empathically and non-defensively. <\/p>\n
\u201cAnd the same with the child too \u2013 maybe they\u2019re not listening. Maybe they\u2019re wrangling with that same issue that their parents are themselves. Maybe they\u2019re feeling like they don\u2019t fit in the world or maybe it\u2019s a bit of a projection.\u201d <\/p>\n
Most importantly, each party needs support and understanding so they don\u2019t feel alone in what they\u2019re going through, she says.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt is really, really hard. It can be excruciatingly painful for people, and I would encourage therapy with people that have an idea of what that\u2019s about.\u201d<\/p>\n
*Name has been changed.<\/p>\n
Bethany Reitsma is a lifestyle writer who has been with the NZ Herald since 2019. She specialises in all things health and wellbeing and is passionate about telling Kiwis\u2019 real-life stories.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Estrangement is not unique to the rich and famous, however. Amanda Cox, registered psychotherapist at Auckland City Therapy,…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":250124,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8],"tags":[1443,95,38017,27126,22061,198,2223,66419,6284,6309,6097,156,36927,2109,42,702,1362,111,139,69,145433,3766,479,38630,24602,1961,61,2821,686,6923,1316,4276,102],"class_list":["post-250123","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-entertainment","tag-about","tag-and","tag-beckham","tag-break","tag-brooklyn","tag-can","tag-confirmed","tag-controlling","tag-david","tag-do","tag-down","tag-entertainment","tag-estrangement","tag-family","tag-headlines","tag-it","tag-made","tag-new-zealand","tag-newzealand","tag-nz","tag-parentchild","tag-parents","tag-relationships","tag-rift","tag-rumours","tag-this","tag-to","tag-victoria","tag-week","tag-what","tag-when","tag-why","tag-with"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/250123","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=250123"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/250123\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/250124"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=250123"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=250123"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=250123"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}