\u201cIf she\u2019s a woke person, I don\u2019t really stand for any of that s**t.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201c \u2026 Does that come with cheese?\u201d<\/p>\n
Okay, fine \u2014 that last quote isn\u2019t real. It\u2019s just a question I ask every day.<\/p>\n
As tradition dictates, the premiere launches with the hens\u2019 and bucks\u2019 nights, where we induct all the freaks into this year\u2019s circus. There\u2019s more vanity, ego, desperation and body augmentation than The Substance.<\/p>\n
The bucks\u2019 night is always a dick-measuring contest. Or, more accurately, a veneer-measuring contest.<\/p>\n
In the near-future, all MAFS contestants will be manufactured by a 3D printer. Photo \/ Nine AU<\/p>\n
Cue the \u201cbad boy\u201d music. Annnnd enter Chris.<\/p>\n
\u201cPeople really love me or hate me,\u201d he tells us.<\/p>\n
Hot tip: If someone says this, the truth is everyone hates them.<\/p>\n
He begins listing his turn-offs: \u201cFake tan, needy and fat people\u201d.<\/p>\n
Huh. A little rude. Who would go on national television and say that? Eh, maybe we misheard him.<\/p>\n
\u2026 Or maybe not.<\/p>\n
\u201cOverweight, for me,\u201d he begins to double down on the fatphobia. <\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t walk down the street callin\u2019 someone fat, but if I have a general interest in someone they\u2019ve generally gotta be fit and healthy.\u201d<\/p>\n
As the old adage goes: If you don\u2019t have anything nice to say, go on prime time TV and say it repeatedly.<\/p>\n
\u201cFat people, no-go,\u201d he declares, just to ensure we all understand his point.<\/p>\n
Of course, all of this is a ruse to rage bait the masses and build a following so he can launch a brocast filled with antagonistic generalisations.<\/p>\n
Can\u2019t wait to see Chris stand at the altar with a set of scales and a measuring tape to weigh-in his new wife, like she\u2019s on The Biggest Loser.<\/p>\n
Meanwhile, across Sydney Harbour at the hens\u2019 night, we\u2019re introduced to some of the ladies entering the experiment. Please meet Julia!<\/p>\n
Julia is a \u2026 ah \u2026 well \u2026<\/p>\n
Okay, lemme try typing this with a straight face.<\/p>\n
Julia is a Confidence and Charisma Consultant.<\/p>\n
Of course, we all take her career incredibly seriously and we don\u2019t think it\u2019s at all ridiculous.<\/p>\n
Everyone who works in the healthcare industry should be shown respect. Rumour has it, Julia even trained under the tutelage of Lucinda Light.<\/p>\n
Julia, under which category would your services fall in our private health extras cover?<\/p>\n
Someone who will not be needing Julia\u2019s tips on confidence and charisma is Gia.<\/p>\n
\u201cWith men, I always get my way. And it\u2019s easy to know why: beautiful fake tits,\u201d she states.<\/p>\n
Viewer warning: Gia has boobs \u2014 and she\u2019s not afraid to use \u2019em.<\/p>\n
\u2018Mirror mirror on the wall, who has the most beautiful body of them all?\u2019 Photo \/ Nine AU<\/p>\n
Producers then find it necessary to play b-roll close-up footage of Gia\u2019s breasts bouncing as she drains San Remo pasta in a plastic strainer.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m not here to live ordinary \u2013 I wanna be remembered. I\u2019m not a basic b***h, ya know?\u201d<\/p>\n
She enters the hens\u2019 night and quickly establishes her position in the hierarchy.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m seeing some sweet girls. Like \u2026 they\u2019re pretty \u2026 But I\u2019m not, like, \u2018Wow! She\u2019s f*****\u2019 hot\u2019, ya know?\u201d<\/p>\n
As all the other ladies trade war stories about heartbreak and being dumped, Gia issues an assessment of her new peers: \u201cThey\u2019re just so basic\u201d.<\/p>\n
While one lady drones on about her past relationship trauma, Gia decides to interrupt with a more interesting story.<\/p>\n
\u201cI moved to LA in my early 20s. I did Playboy. I was at the Playboy mansion every weekend!\u201d she regales. <\/p>\n
\u201cEvery Sunday we\u2019d have the buffet with Hef.\u201d<\/p>\n
Bec \u2013 a bride with a goofy girl-next-door temperament \u2013 can\u2019t help but react with a strange look.<\/p>\n
Gia can\u2019t believe her exceptional tale about eating room-temperature deli meats at a decrepit sex mansion would be met with such contempt. <\/p>\n
In retaliation, she issues some words of wisdom to Bec: \u201cYou\u2019re a five-out-of-10, so f*****\u2019 chill\u201d.<\/p>\n
Then the oldest bride in the room \u2013 Rebecca, 51 \u2013 decides to shift the mood of the party by making a speech to empower all the ladies. She ends it with a warning to them all: don\u2019t steal my husband.<\/p>\n
This prompts Gia to serve an insult that whacks Rebecca all the way back to the olden days of 1975 when she was born.<\/p>\n
\u201cOld Rebecca, do you think any of us hot b*****s at 30 and 20 are gonna f*****\u2019 try and take ya 50-year-old, babe?\u201d she mocks. \u201cRelax.\u201d<\/p>\n
Gia! Show some respect. You can\u2019t go around talking about elderly people like that. That\u2019s not the kind of class we\u2019d expect from someone who spent every Sunday with a horny 100-year-old reptilian man in a threadbare satin robe and boat captain\u2019s hat.<\/p>\n
The following day, it\u2019s time for the first two weddings: an unhinged wedding, and a wholesome wedding. As a public service to all readers of this recap, the latter has been excluded.<\/p>\n
Please meet Alissa. Her job? \u201cNurse and social media manager\u201d. Her duties include streaming all your colonoscopies on Instagram Live.<\/p>\n
She\u2019s paired with David.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m an e-commerce product manager,\u201d he explains. \u201cBut I was a rap artist for 10 years.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ah yes. Tupac embarked on a similar trajectory. A lot of people think he died. But the truth is he got out of the hip hop game to pursue a lifelong passion for digital data entry.<\/p>\n
How many more talented lyricists are we gonna lose to e-com? Photo \/ Nine AU<\/p>\n
At the altar, David falls in lust with Alissa immediately. But how does Alissa feel?<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m really sorry. I don\u2019t think I can marry you,\u201d she snips.<\/p>\n
This girl knows how to make the weekly promos. Photo \/ Nine AU<\/p>\n
Her stern face then gradually softens and her pursed lips rise into a smirk.<\/p>\n
Psych!<\/p>\n
It\u2019s just a prank. Well \u2026 sorta.<\/p>\n
\u201cNot until you get on your knees and propose to me first,\u201d she stipulates.<\/p>\n
David doesn\u2019t want to. After all, hasn\u2019t he endured enough embarrassment for today?<\/p>\n
It\u2019s always fun to play with people\u2019s vulnerabilities! Photo \/ Nine AU<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m not gonna marry you until you get on one knee and ask me to marry you,\u201d she warns.<\/p>\n
He eventually submits and drops to a knee. It\u2019s the most humiliating moment in Married At First Sight\u2019s 12-year history \u2013 and that\u2019s including the toilet toothbrush scandal.<\/p>\n
Alissa\u2019s demanding, high-maintenance ways get David\u2019s friends off-side. They feel like they\u2019ve just met a woman who possesses all the worst qualities of every Reese Witherspoon character.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t think Alissa\u2019s the one for David,\u201d one mutters.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo. Nup. I agree,\u201d another whispers. \u201cLooks only get you so far.\u201d<\/p>\n
They pledge to destroy her at the wedding reception.<\/p>\n
But before they can, Alissa attempts to backtrack on her domineering behaviour.<\/p>\n
\u201cI wanna say sorry. I didn\u2019t mean to put you on the spot,\u201d she tells her new husband later that night. \u201cI\u2019m not a mean girl. It was just something that I needed to know you\u2019re all in. So, sorry if it came off the wrong way.\u201d<\/p>\n
He accepts her apology. And, as punishment, Alissa is summoned to a lifetime of listening to her new husband\u2019s unreleased rap demos.<\/p>\n
Married At First Sight Australia screens tonight, Wednesday and Thursday this week, then Sundays-Wednesdays from February 15 on Three and Three Now.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"\u201cIf she\u2019s a woke person, I don\u2019t really stand for any of that s**t.\u201d \u201c \u2026 Does that…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":275648,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8],"tags":[2246,12617,1975,85,17517,35943,35142,6131,156,1872,31442,6204,1888,100699,28159,14648,302,5511,9610,9878,3556,13631,111,139,11550,7805,69,384,16083,762,18916,26106,417,140206,437,13797],"class_list":["post-276633","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-entertainment","tag-2246","tag-absolute","tag-at","tag-australia","tag-because","tag-contestants","tag-debut","tag-declare","tag-entertainment","tag-face","tag-fat","tag-fine","tag-first","tag-groom","tag-gross","tag-hed","tag-its","tag-just","tag-married","tag-monday","tag-national","tag-never","tag-new-zealand","tag-newzealand","tag-nights","tag-no","tag-nz","tag-people","tag-premiere","tag-review","tag-sight","tag-someones","tag-television","tag-turnoff","tag-tv","tag-used"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/276633","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=276633"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/276633\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/275648"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=276633"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=276633"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=276633"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}