Oh boy. Tonight\u2019s nightmare is proudly brought to you by Glade.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ve got a \u2026 tummy ache,\u201d groans Steven as he arrives at the accommodation with new wife Rachel. \u201cIt\u2019s a bit of a concern. It\u2019s really bad timing.\u201d<\/p>\n
Rachel\u2019s eyes dart from the bed to the nearby toilet.<\/p>\n
\u201cDefinitely not soundproof,\u201d she concludes.<\/p>\n
The decision to install a curtain instead of a door spikes Steven\u2019s anxiety and his stomach begins gurgling even more.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe bathroom is \u2026 not really private. It\u2019s not so much the view that\u2019s the issue but the \u2026 sound. We\u2019re all human and we make sounds. And it\u2019s early in the relationship. I don\u2019t want Rachel hearing my bowel movements.\u201d<\/p>\n
But then, in an uncharacteristically sympathetic act, the producers decide to leave Steven alone and not check back in with him. They don\u2019t even hide a secret GoPro in the bathroom to catch the humiliating debacle. How does it end? You can\u2019t introduce such a compelling plot and then ditch it. We\u2019re already deeply invested!<\/p>\n
It\u2019s the ultimate betrayal. Australia is left guessing over the MAFS diarrhoea drama.<\/p>\n
Just like 10 News+, at news.com.au the truth comes first. So we submitted a comprehensive list of questions to Channel 9 and production house Endemol Shine Australia in order to get to the, er \u2026 bottom of it. If I have to personally file a Freedom Of Information request about Steven\u2019s bowel movements, I will.<\/p>\n
We\u2019ll be waiting with bated breath (and scrunched noses) to see if Steven and Rachel will now be taking over the Metamucil ambassadorship contract that was previously held by MAFS alum Cam and Jules.<\/p>\n
That toilet curtain has seen some things. Photo \/ Nine AU<\/p>\n
Speaking of things that should be flushed down a toilet: please welcome Chris!<\/p>\n
He\u2019s an overly opinionated tradie who has come on Married At First Sight purely to troll Australia with abrasive remarks about hot-button issues, presumably in the hope of launching a brocast.<\/p>\n
His turn-offs? \u201cFake tan, needy and fat people.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf I turn around and see a short, overweight blonde girl with fake tan, and caked-on little pink cheeks, and orange hands \u2026 I\u2019m gone,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n
It seems appropriate to note Chris has an involuntary habit of punctuating these edgy observations with inhaled snorting sounds that resemble a pig.<\/p>\n
Chris talks a lot about all the types of chicks he\u2019s not into. But \u2013 and here\u2019s a crazy thought \u2013 what if his match isn\u2019t into him?<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat? If \u2026 if SHE doesn\u2019t like MY physical looks? Pffft. Please.\u201d<\/p>\n
It\u2019s a classic MAFS set-up and we know exactly where things are heading.<\/p>\n
The gal he\u2019s paired with?<\/p>\n
\u201cMy name\u2019s Brooke and I\u2019m a model,\u201d purrs the sun-kissed Gold Coast gal, who looks like she has jumped off the pages of a Seafolly commercial and on to our TV screens.<\/p>\n
On the wedding day, she strides her long legs down the aisle and arrives at the altar, towering over her groom.<\/p>\n
Despite Chris\u2019 claims of being 6ft tall, he appears to have left a few centimetres at home.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhere are the inches?\u201d Brooke remarks, looking him up and down.<\/p>\n
Chris thought he was the only one obsessed with a potential partner\u2019s measurements. Photo \/ Nine AU<\/p>\n
Chris puffs out his chest and tries to ignore the dig by channelling his bad attitude into his vows.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m pretty sceptical about this whole experiment. Statistically, the numbers don\u2019t look great. At times I feel the experts got their degree from a cereal box,\u201d he scoffs at his bride. \u201cLet\u2019s try and be the 0.00001% that works from this experiment.\u201d<\/p>\n
Chris seems to be committed to his \u201ctreat \u2018em mean, keep \u2018em keen\u201d dating strategy. Is it working on you, Brooke?<\/p>\n
\u201cLike \u2026 what are you doing here?\u201d she cringes.<\/p>\n
When the wedding celebrant trumpets that the moment has come for the first kiss, Brooke declines \u2013 rejecting the smooch. Instead, she offers a quick hug.<\/p>\n
Chris\u2019 mates are fuming.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe\u2019s taking the piss, right?\u201d one bloke grunts.<\/p>\n
They all can\u2019t believe that Brooke isn\u2019t falling head over heels for Chris\u2019 rude behaviour.<\/p>\n
Despite shrugging it off and insisting he doesn\u2019t care, Chris secretly vents to a producer and doesn\u2019t seem to realise there\u2019s a cameraman hiding in a nearby shrub.<\/p>\n
\u201cLike, at least kiss me on the f*****\u2019 wedding stand,\u201d he spews. \u201cI\u2019m sure she\u2019s kissed f*****\u2019 that many people. It just annoys me \u2013 I have to work for it. I f*****\u2019 hate workin\u2019 for it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Turns out, Brooke\u2019s standards are high. Higher than the 6 feet that Chris claims to be. But at the reception, everyone insists to her that he\u2019s actually a great guy (y\u2019know, as long as you weigh less than 70kg). So Brooke decides to give him a chance. She\u2019s got nothing to lose. And she has already cut him down to size \u2013 which means he\u2019s now, at best, 4 foot tall.<\/p>\n
It doesn\u2019t matter if you\u2019re in the bathroom or in a random garden \u2014 on MAFS, you\u2019re always being recorded. Photo \/ Nine AU<\/p>\n
The only thing more embarrassing than a fatphobic tradie getting rejected by a supermodel? Thinking you\u2019ve just had amazing sex with your new husband, only for him to tell you it was terrible. That\u2019s what\u2019s goin\u2019 on in Fiji when we bust into Bec and Danny\u2019s honeymoon cabana following their wedding tonight.<\/p>\n
\u201cI saw Daniel\u2019s anaconda \u2026 it did not disappoint!\u201d Bec giggles. \u201cGood shower, good sleep, good shag. Imagine not having sexual chemistry with your husband!\u201d<\/p>\n
Cue the disappointment in five, four, three, two \u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cWith sexual chemistry it\u2019s either there or it\u2019s not,\u201d Danny hesitantly sighs to us. \u201cIt\u2019s sorta just \u2026 not there.\u201d<\/p>\n
He\u2019s outside on the beach, isolating. Being in the villa with his new wife comes with too much pressure and too many expectations \u2013 feeling as if he has to match the affection and playfulness when he really doesn\u2019t want to. Danny and his anaconda have recoiled.<\/p>\n
\u201cI am attracted to Bec. But I\u2019m here to find love \u2026 and I\u2019m just concerned there\u2019s not enough chemistry between me and Bec for it to be that,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n
As the hours pass, a knot forms in Bec\u2019s stomach as she realises her husband seems to be avoiding her. Her fears are realised when he tells her they\u2019re probably just good mates.<\/p>\n
\u201cI feel unattractive. It makes me feel \u2026 ugly!\u201d Bec sobs.<\/p>\n
His anaconda don\u2019t want none… Photo \/ Nine AU<\/p>\n
Ouch. We really don\u2019t know what to say to make you feel better, Bec.<\/p>\n
\u2026 At least you didn\u2019t get diarrhoea in the open-plan honeymoon suite?<\/p>\n
Married At First Sight Australia screens tonight, then Sundays-Wednesdays from February 15 on Three and Three Now.<\/p>\n
Sign up to Herald Premium Editor\u2019s Picks<\/a>, delivered straight to your inbox every Friday. Editor-in-Chief Murray Kirkness picks the week\u2019s best features, interviews and investigations. Sign up for Herald Premium here<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Oh boy. Tonight\u2019s nightmare is proudly brought to you by Glade. \u201cI\u2019ve got a \u2026 tummy ache,\u201d groans…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":279350,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8],"tags":[2246,25490,1975,85,3595,40177,132735,156,21039,156760,1888,156761,6276,100699,68588,57910,14054,19652,9610,1432,4505,130,111,139,69,70012,8138,1679,38606,18916,131,112306],"class_list":["post-279349","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-entertainment","tag-2246","tag-25490","tag-at","tag-australia","tag-by","tag-diarrhoea","tag-embarrassing","tag-entertainment","tag-episode","tag-fatphobic","tag-first","tag-forcefed","tag-gets","tag-groom","tag-honeymoon","tag-humble","tag-james","tag-mafs","tag-married","tag-model","tag-moment","tag-more","tag-new-zealand","tag-newzealand","tag-nz","tag-pie","tag-recap","tag-recaps","tag-rejected","tag-sight","tag-than","tag-weir"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/279349","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=279349"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/279349\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/279350"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=279349"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=279349"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/nz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=279349"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}